My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "there's not enough straws" and I'm like "share" and they're like "gross"
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) February 8, 2015
@batkaren why isn't there an appropriate emoji for smegma
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 8, 2015
The "email sent" swoosh sound but when you shove someone down a well.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 7, 2015
Tip: When I'm having a rough day at work, I just pop on a Spotify "Chill" playlist and slowly put a cigarette out on my arm.
— Ryan Patricks (@Ryan_Patricks) February 6, 2015
Things I always keep in my pocket:
• keys
• phone
• intact chili dog with all the fixins'
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) February 5, 2015
