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(PND) Post-natal depression its something we all hear about or know about even before we are pregnant and embarking on motherhood. You see it on TV, you see it with friends, family, you see it on leaflets at the doctors BUT you never really understand it until its you that its affecting.
After the birth of my 1st child I never got the rush of love or the gooey feeling when he was born although I told people I did as that’s what they expect you to say. He was a very difficult baby he suffered with colic and even though born at over 8lbs he was a very very poor eater and sleeper and this took its toll on me. He would cry and cry and cry nothing would console him in anyway. I tried my hardest to get him to breastfeed but he just point blank refused to feed from me and because of this I blamed my self and felt like a failure.
One night I recall I had put him down to sleep at 7pm., it was such a long day as it started before the sun had risen and the night before was a very interrupted with a maximum of 2 hours sleep, anyway he woke with in minute of me putting him down… he was not hungry, had a clean bum, was not hot nor cold, no temperature there was nothing I could figure out that could be wrong with him. I tried and tried to stop him crying, my husband was out at work and it was just me and my baby. I could feel my anger building, I could not stop it from bubbling inside then I pick him up and felt the urge to give him a bloody good shake. From somewhere I though I forced all the anger in to arms and tensed them up so he was not shaken. He still was crying as was I at this point.
I felt terrible and again guilt and failure poured over me, I wanted to kill my self, I felt very little love for this baby and if I was honest I wanted him gone and out of my life but yet I still did the things that people expect you to do with a new baby like toddler groups, meeting with other mums etc. I was dying to scream out that I was lost inside my self and didn’t want to do it any more but as they all gushed over their babies I just copied and pretended to agree with everything they said.
My family lives 100s of miles away and my husbands family were all working or to far to help me also. I had little or no close friends I could really talk to about this and even though I did not really know why I was feeling the way I was I went to the doctor who suggested that I may be suffering from PND – Post-natal depression and prescribed me some anti-depressants but with all the stigma of anti-depressants I chose not to take them.
By the time my son was 8 months old I had discovered I was pregnant again… it was not planned, I was devastated and heartbroken as I was so scared that again I would feel like I do/did with my son. I struggled with my pregnancy as my husband was never around as he was always working or out doing his part time job.
I had SPD and could do very little for my self. Still my family were miles and miles away and his family in the same situation. In time I gave birth and as soon as she was born I had that gush of love and gooey feeling I was besotted with her and my bond with my son grew and grew until at 4 months old a very close family member died and shortly after that another close family member died also then another 3 people I cared about died all with in a matter of months, I was all over the shop, I started to reject my family and friends. I stayed in bed as much as I could and sent my kids to the child minder so I didn’t have to care for them.
Again I wanted to die, I lined up pills on my kitchen table I looked at effects of taking overdoses on the internet. I remember traveling in a car on a motorway and thinking if I open this door and throw my self out I wonder if it will kill me??? We live near a train station and I seemed to become obsessed with the train times as I considered throwing my self in the path of a 90mph train. Depression was well and truly all over me at this point I knew it but I did not want to tell anyone. I cried at silly little things and my husband noticed eventually that all was not well and that I needed help.
Again I went to the doctor and he again prescribed me some anti-depressants this time I took them, after a week or so I felt no different in fact if I’m honest I felt worse but then some thing lifted and I started to feel more normal and spent less time in bed and wanted to socialise more and spend more time with my kids.
Im still on anti-depressants and I have had another baby again depression still has a hold over me and I am fighting back this time but occasionally I will drop my guard and it overcomes me and it will take me a while to get back to fighting form but I would say that with tablets and support I am definitely on the road to getting my self back to how I once was. It’s a bloody long road though.
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