I’m a retired escort who, like you, married her favorite client. From the beginning I made it clear that sleeping with other women was okay, but secrecy, lies, and emotional engagements were not; I also requested that any sex outside of our relationship be with professionals rather than amateurs. We have a very active sex life, and every few months I’ve reminded him that he could see escorts if he wished as long as he told me about it (just the fact that he did, not the details). He’s always said that he hasn’t, but recently I accidentally stumbled across evidence that he’s had many appointments since we’ve been together; I also found email exchanges with his ex including plans to get together. I feel terrible for bringing this all on, but I also feel betrayed, hurt, and upset that he would lie to me. Am I wrong for feeling this way when I gave him permission to see escorts? Is it worth talking to him about? Am I being naive or silly?
First of all, feelings are never “wrong” or “silly”. Humans are emotional creatures, and can’t help what we feel; we can only control how we act upon those feelings. Nor do I think you were being naive; in fact, quite the opposite. As a sex worker yourself you know how men are, and you did everything you could to circumvent the possibility that he would hurt you by deception; not only did you give him permission to see others, you were even careful to re-iterate that permission a number of times. The fact that he completely ignored your very simple and reasonable requirement – that he let you know whenever he did see another lady – is, I think, more than adequate reason to feel betrayed and hurt. You gave him an outlet to be physical with other women, but instead he chose to act in a way that feels to you like emotional infidelity; I’m sure I would feel just as betrayed and hurt if I were in your situation.
There are several reasons why a man might cheat on his wife, and as I discussed in “Preventative Measures” only some of them can be prevented by things the wife might do (such as taking care of him at home and allowing him “strange” in controlled circumstances). I suspect this passage applies to your husband: “if it’s the illicit nature of trysts with hookers which turns him on, that’s going to present a problem; if he craves sneaking around behind his wife’s back, he’s not likely to be satisfied with activities she attends, arranges or even simply condones.” Think back to when he was your client; did it seem that “sneaking around” to see you turned him on? Because that’s what his behavior seems to point to. Only he can say whether he has emotional feelings for anyone he’s seen (like his ex), but secrecy? Check. Lies? Check. Amateurs? Check. It’s as though he was purposefully breaking as many of the rules you set as possible; perhaps that in itself gives him a thrill.
I definitely think you need to talk to him about this; try to remain as calm and reasonable as you can manage, and explain to him how you found out and why you’re hurt. Don’t let him derail you by accusing you of spying on him; you were acting in good faith and even if it what you did were wrong, his sins are far greater. Also, don’t let him pretend he really believed his behavior was OK; unless he’s remarkably stupid I think it’s pretty clear that he knew he was breaking the rules. Unfortunately, I can’t give you any advice about what happens next; there’s no way to know how he will react, what he will say, and how you will feel about his reactions. I also can’t tell you whether it would be “right” to stay with a man who behaved like this, or whether you “should” leave him. But I will say this: I can virtually guarantee that this will happen again, probably repeatedly, no matter what he tells you. So your decision about the future of the relationship needs to take that into account.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
