If Trump Were My Kid: 17 Bits of Fatherly Advice for the New President

As Donald Trump takes office, I’m struck by many things: fear, anger, frustration, waves of nausea. I’m also reminded (almost daily for the past year) just how childlike America’s new leader is. Not in a wide-eyed, full-of-wonder kind of way, but more of a throwing-himself-on-the-ground-and-holding-his-breath-till-he-gets-his-way kind of way.

One of Trump’s most infantile characteristics is his apparent inability to accept advice. Not from former presidents or members of his own political party. Not from career military generals or the entire intelligence community.

Since there’s little hope for our new president behaving like a rational adult (much less, presidentially) I thought I’d appeal to Trump’s childishness with some fatherly wisdom.

So I went through all the lunch notes I’ve made for my son, and pulled together a few I thought might help Donald in his new job. Keep in mind these were originally created for a little boy between the ages of 4 and 6. Also keep in mind how scarily appropriate they are for the new Leader of the Free World.

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1. WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

If Donald Trump Were My Kid: Fatherly Advice for the New President

What it doesn’t come with is the right to be mean to someone because of their gender, race, orientation, religion, or disability. Or any reason, really.

2. GET A HAIRCUT!

Your entire adult life has been one, long bad hair day. Please. Cut. Your. Hair. You’ll be happier, more focused, and less likely to accidentally launch some nukes trying to brush that rabid Tribble from your face.

3. SOMEONE IS ALWAYS WATCHING.

While you’ve enjoyed (even craved) this in the past, you’ve a much larger audience now — and we’re watching your every move. But more importantly, so are our children. So please behave.

4. RESPECT OTHERS’ PERSONAL SPACE.

Classroom rule: you will receive a time out* whenever you attempt to grab, talk about grabbing, or inspire someone to grab a pussy or any other part of a woman’s body.

*time out = lawsuit/impeachment/jail

5. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN.

In the words of your replacement Celebrity Apprentice host, CHILL. You seriously need to CTFD with the Twitter tirades. I’m sure it’s not easy being the most universally loathed and utterly unqualified president in U.S. history. But you’ve got to pace yourself with the cyber battles or you’ll implode within your first week.

6. SHARING IS CARING.

Sharing is Childhood 101. Share your wealth and your privilege. Share the limelight with the host of the show you produce. And share your taxes, for chrissakes. And no — going Dutch with Putin on some prostitutes doesn’t count.

7. NERDS RULE, BULLIES DROOL.

As you don’t seem to value intelligence reports, polling data, scientific research, or English grammar, let me speak to where your true passions lie. Without nerds, there’d be no Twitter, no TV, and no skyscrapers. Which means you’d pretty much cease to exist, too.

8. IF YOU CAN’T SAY ANYTHING NICE…

Stop talking about your daughter or former pageant contestants or breastfeeding or abortion… Okay, just keep your mouth shut when it comes to women.

9. SORRY, NO BIKINI MODELS AT THE SCIENCE FAIR.

You disregard science and technology when it comes to things like climate change, abortion, vaccines, and “the cyber.” But you do realize, don’t you, that both your garish buildings and your 70-year-old penis require STEM to stay erect?

10. RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU NEED TO GO.

Please stop pissing all over our democracy… or appointing others to do it for you.

11. GIRLS DON’T HAVE COOTIES.

What they do have are things in which you have been found lacking: intelligence, bravery, wisdom, maturity, selflessness, common sense, and the popular vote.

12. “TEAMWORK” ISN’T A DIRTY WORD.

Instead of calling our southern neighbors “criminals and rapists,” splitting up their families, and building a wall to separate our countries, why not try a little fucken diplomacy?

13. LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

More like a raging inferno jumpsuit. You have a very interesting psychotic non-existent relationship with the truth. Please know this: the truth always comes out, and it always wins. I’m looking at you, Russia, the election, your taxes, Syrian refugees, ISIS, inner cities, black people, the media, immigrants, voter fraud, the Clinton Foundation, Google, the 2^nd amendment, and the size of your penis.

14. TRY IT, YOU’LL LIKE IT.

You say you’re a president for the people, a Washington outsider. Then prove it — mix things up and think outside your gilded box. Admit when you’re wrong. Treat a woman with respect. Treat a Muslim with respect. Treat a trans person with respect. Treat an immigrant with respect. Definitively denounce the KKK. Allow a Black Lives Matter protest on the White House lawn. Plant a tree. Turn off the TV and unplug the Twitter. Shut your mouth and listen. And learn.

15. NO, IT DOESN’T SAY, “GREED IS GOOD.”

While I’m sure you can recite Gordon Gecko’s Wall Street speech by heart, please re-read this note and consider the planet on which you were supposedly born (check his birth certificate). Blizzards don’t mean global warming isn’t a thing. Climate change is not a Chinese hoax. And while your pick to head the EPA may undo the progress made under Obama, you’ll find your hairspray’s damage to the ozone layer irreversible.

16. “THERE ARE NO BAD PICTURES; THAT’S JUST HOW YOUR FACE LOOKS SOMETIMES.”*

Putting aside the fact that your face is perpetually Tang-stained, it’s also often grumpy-looking. Other frequent expressions include smug, smarmy, squinty and enraged — none of which instill confidence in the people you now govern. (No, we don’t like you when you’re angry.) Might I suggest you hire (yes, actually pay them) one of your former beauty queens to coach you in the art of “faking” a sincere smile? Or better yet, take a prolonged vacation on a remote island somewhere to relax and work on your tan(gerine). We’ll let you know when we need you to come back.

*Fake quote by Abraham Lincoln.

17. REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE.*

You obviously could have used a few encouraging notes in your solid gold lunch box as a child — hence this list. However, I realize just admonishing you to “be good” or “treat people with respect” has zero effect. You’re motivated by greed, ratings and shock value. So if you really want to blow all our minds, show some genuine, human compassion every once in a while.

*Does not involve showers. Sorry, I couldn’t resist one last pee-pee joke.