I went back to college & was allowed to start a childcare course even though I had no GCSE’s. They put me in the lowest set & everyone was really nice. It was a small group so I got the attention that I desperately craved from the teachers. A few weeks in they gave us some tests. After they saw my results & realised I was far above the others in my class they decided to move me to a higher one. Things went downhill yet again as I really didn’t fit in with the girls in the new class. It was much larger than the previous one & I hated it. The bullying started yet again. So I did what I was getting good at, I left.
Not long after that my dad was seeing a new woman who lived in Stoke on Trent. It wasn’t long before he decided to move in with her & her son. They didn’t have room for me to come too. She offered to get a caravan for me to live in on her drive way. I refused and instead went to live with my bf of only a few weeks in Leeds at the age of 16. Things started okay.
Although he didn’t work, I was always having to call my dad for extra money. Then he got violent. I blocked most of the incidents out apart from the last one. I was sat at the pc in the dining room and because I was talking to another guy he hit me so hard that I fell backwards off my chair and hit my head on the fridge freezer. I rang my dad and told him I needed to leave but refused to tell him why. I didn’t want him making things worse by confronting him.
I stayed at my dad’s girlfriend’s house for a little while. I knew it was only temporary as I had to share a room with her son. While I was there I got really ill. I couldn’t get and every time I moved I was in absolute agony. I told my dad and his girlfriend but they said it was probably nothing and to see how it was the following day. The next day I was in a car accident. My boyfriend at the time crashed us into a tree at 70mph. So I ended up in hospital anyway. I was lucky, other than bruises I was unharmed from the crash.
While I was there I told them about the pain and they scanned me. It turned out I had a cyst on my ovary. The cyst had been left so long it had grown to 7cm x 5cm and the force of the crash along with the weight of the cyst it had caused my fallopian tube to twist on itself, cutting off the blood supply to the ovary. They had to operate to remove the ovary, tube & cyst. I was so scared this would mean I wouldn’t be able to have babies.
At this point I didn’t have any other choice but to move back to Milton Keynes and back to my Mam. Even if it did mean sleeping on her living room floor. By this time I was 17 and I realised I really needed to sort myself out. I got my place back on the GCSE course at college and even though I was bullied yet again and hated being there about 90% of the time, I managed to make two friends who got me though it and I finished the course.
Although the teachers messed up and refused to put me in for the higher papers. I was predicted A’s in 2 subjects, a B in 1 and a E in the other. In the end, down to only being put in for the lower papers I got all Cs which I was still proud of. I couldn’t wait to shove it in my Maths teachers face and say look at that “E”. Just before my exams things got worse between myself and my Mam. She decided I couldn’t live with her any longer. So I got myself a flat through the council just after my exams finished. After moving out from my mam’s things picked up between us. We got on a lot better. We realised we just couldn’t live together. We now get on great and talk a lot on the phone & I go visit her as well.
After my GCSE course I decided I wanted to go back to college again. I enrolled on a child care course as I’ve always wanted to work with children (or animals, they’re close enough) Yet again the bullying started and I didn’t have the friends to help me get through things. To make it worse I went on a night out with a guy I’d been talking to online. He seemed really nice and we got on pretty well. He plied me with champagne and I had way more to drink than I should have done.
That night I was raped. It took me a little while to admit it to anyone but I eventually told the college councillor who persuaded me to let her call the police. I had to go to the police station and they took photos of the bit marks and bruises and they also did some sort of internal to check for DNA. They took my statement and then went to his place of work to arrest him.
I thought they would do some good by getting him away from other girls and being able to do it again. I was wrong. He said I consented to everything and they had no proof either way. It was his word against mine so the charges were dropped. This and the on-going bullying made college unbearable so again I left.
A while later I made the mistake of getting back with the ex from Leeds. We didn’t move in together but he came to Milton Keynes every weekend. We decided to try for a baby and I was happy about it. I really thought he’d changed. I fell pregnant really quickly and was over the moon. It was then he threw me across my living room, causing me to hit my back on the sofa. We spilt up after that I was glad he was gone, after all I still had my baby.
The morning of my 12 week scan came and I’d stayed at my mam’s the night before so we could go together. I went for a wee and noticed the tissue was slightly pink. I was naive and thought everything would be okay. Off we went for my scan. It didn’t take long for me to realize something wasn’t quite right. You can tell by the sonographer’s face. I was told my baby had no heart beat and by the looks of it, it had stopped growing at around 6 weeks.
Around the time the ex threw me causing me to hit my back. I was told to wait a while and come back for another scan but things didn’t get that far. That night I was still at my mam’s and I was getting what I now know to be contractions. It was early in the morning and the pain was so bad my crying woke my Mam up from the other room. She came in and saw the state I was in so called an ambulance.
When I stood up I was covered in blood and then I felt my waters break. I was inconsolable. All I did was cry in between breaths of gas and air in the ambulance. Being in the hospital was a total daze. I remember being cleaned up by a nurse who was trying to wipe away my birthmark thinking it was blood. I also remember being taken into a room for an internal. They didn’t tell me what they were doing or what was going on, they just did it.
A day or so later I was left to go home. I blame myself as I should have known it was a mistake getting back with that horrid excuse for a man. What makes things worse is I’ve since found out he was seeing another girl at the same time. Who he also got pregnant around the same time as I was. It makes me think, why was it me who lost my baby. Why couldn’t she?! Horrible, I know. He’s since married her and had another baby. It was around this time that I was first put on anti-depressants.
I went back to drinking way more than I should. Going out as much as I could. Sleeping with who ever I wanted without a care in the world. That ended up coming back and biting me on the ass. I was out with a guy I worked with and some of his friends. We got on well but I didn’t fancy him. He kept asking if he could come back to mine and I ended up agreeing. We left the club and just before I was about to get into a car with a drunk driver a fight broke out and they all got involved. I didn’t want any part of it as I knew the police were around as well.
So I left and walked home. I got home and got into my pjs and later my door buzzer went. I was daft enough to let my co-worker and his friend in. They were coming on to me a lot and wouldn’t listen when I said I wasn’t interested. I just wanted them to leave so I could go to bed. They agreed to go and I told them to let themselves out. I walked them to the door and turned into my bedroom.
I was just turning around to get into bed and they were both there. They forced themselves onto me and I was raped for a second time. This time I didn’t see the point in going to the police. After the last time, I knew it would probably turn out the same and they would say I wanted it. I wasn’t about to go through all the stuff at the station I’d already been put through for nothing.
I Was Raped But Never Went To The Police; There Was No Point
I tried to get over it. Put it behind me and move on, although it took me a while to trust men again. When I was 20 I met someone I decided to put my trust in. We started seeing each other quite a bit. We were only together for about 6 weeks or so. Not long after we split up I found of I was pregnant again. I told him straight away but he thought I was only saying it to get him back and he doubted he was the baby’s dad.
I tried to forget about him and concentrate on my baby. I was so paranoid because of losing my other baby. Every little thing scared the hell out of me & I was always in and out of the Drs/midwives or hospital. To top it off I had major SPD and my depression was even worse than before. I was staying at my mam’s a lot. This time I had a mattress on the floor. I was finally induced at 41weeks. My gorgeous girl came into the world at 41weeks and 2 days. It was love at first sight.
A few weeks later I put in a claim with the CSA for her dad to pay maintenance. When he received the letter from them he got in touch and said he wanted a DNA test before he paid a penny. I agreed to as long as he paid for it. He also said he wanted to see her if he was going to be paying. We agreed to meet up when she was about 7 weeks so we could talk things through. He knew straight away that a DNA test wasn’t needed as she was the spitting image of him.
We agreed to him coming to mine every Monday to spend time with her until I was comfortable for him to take her out without me. That one day a week turned into most days of the week. Even when he’d finished work he would come over, even though she would be in bed. By the end of the week were back together and it just seemed perfect. As he always seemed to be at mine I gave him a key and we agreed it was a waste for him to be renting a room in a shared house that he was hardly ever at.
When our little girl was around a year old we decided to try for another baby and we fell pregnant after 2 months. The pregnancy was even worse than the last one but thankfully I had my other half to help me through this time. Although I was severely depressed and had major SPD again, to the point I was in a wheel chair for about half of the pregnancy we made it through.
After having major battles with the doctors about it I was induced again at 37 weeks. 3 days later our second little girl was born. I can’t believe she will be 2 in only a few months.
I’m still with the girl’s dad and although we have our ups and downs, like all couples, we know we’ll get through things. I’m also still on anti-depressants. We’re currently trying for our 3rd baby and hoping for a boy this time.
It’s hard to think at the time but if you’re going through a rough time, please know that it won’t last forever. Things do get better and my story proves there will be a happy ending
