Random Magazine

I Have Nothing to Lose

By Alka Narula @narulaalka
I have nothing to lose I got really moved by the mail i received from a friend who is a loner like me ,it got me thinking we all have a way of pouring out our hearts out in one form or the other.Some of us take refuge in nature,sometimes we talk to ourselves which i do quite often and some of us have a company of imaginary friends .But loneliness , i feel is one of the gifts conferred by the god. Such people are blessed with expression. They are able to communicate feelings through their words pretty well . No matter how lonely i feel at times , but yet i am a very happy person focused on what i want in life , as i have no distractions .My time belongs to me,i am not answerable to any one except myself.I am fearless,not scared of dark,nor scared of losing any thing as i have nothing to lose.I strongly believe we all come naked and alone and thats how we are going to go so have no attachments .I have my own set of friends and those are my plants , my love for dogs and nature , my inquisitive mind which is always searching and what ever little knowledge i gain , i share on my blogs . My blogger friends,though i may not know them personally but they sure would wonder of my disappearance when i am gone.And with time the memories fade away,so will mine.Ireally don't know if there is life after death but like every one i do desire to know how does one feel when one takes his last breath and the final destination of our soul , if it really exists.and here are the excerpts of the mail which made me write this post.
Got up quite late (was about 7 am) and by 8.30 was on the treadmill.
I was sweating as hell by now and had covered about 6 km. It was at that moment that I understood the meaning of God is in everything and everything is in God.
What happened at this moment? As I ran across the treadmill I felt a vibration. A movement. Everything was in focus and was clear. I was a part of the treadmill, of the walls around me. Of all the animate and inanimate things around me. I was them and they were me. I was a part of God.
Because of my restricted intellect I had to give God a name...a form. I imagined the entire universe....the entire cosmos...almost like from the outside...but then there is no outside....because God encompasses everything. But I still needed to see him. I visualised him as Krishna. The blue skinned prince. Reclining. Consisting of all the billions of stars and suns and black holes and gas and dust and rock and me and you. There I was in God's loving embrace. In his lap as he nurtured me. Fed me the milk of life from his breast. I was he and he was me. I learnt that I needed to love myself because I am a part of him and if I love myself then in turn I love him.
I needed to nurture the fields that belong to him, because they are him and if I nurture them I will be doing my duty towards him. I must make a beautiful garden this year. My only duty towards him is to love him. He does not want me to pray nor enact any rituals. What duty am I talking about? All I need to do is to love myself and that is all.
Who am I? What is my life? The 50 long years that I have lived what do they mean. Will my soul survive my body?
My soul will survive my body. In God. He will have seen me and seen through me and experienced me and experienced through me because he is a part of me and I of him. My soul will continue to be with him. After my body has gone. In what form? That I don't know. Maybe in his memories or as a part of his eternal vibration. A part of his OM. I don't know and probably won't understand.
My 50 years are not even a tick on his watch. Because he is eternal.
I visualised him again. Serene, calm, smiling. He caressed my hair.
How am I to communicate with him? I needed something. I decided to use a sound...OM. I imagined it to be the sound of celestial vibration. The sound of God at work.
I lay in his lap for quite some time. I forgot my hate and my loathing for her. She was no longer my God. I had found my true God. I gave myself up to him. I took responsibility for all my actions and for whatever had happened in my life. I decided to live and be a part of what I believe is true.
I am in control again. Of my life, of my destiny. I don't need to blame anyone for my misfortunes. It was God's way of giving me a whack on my butt and letting me know who the real boss is.
God is life itself and life is God.
photo credit photo bucket.com

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