I Don’t Want a Lot for Christmas

 By Ashley Lister
 Call me a grumpy old sod if you like but I’m relieved that Christmas is over for another six months.Please don’t misunderstand. I love the idea of giving gifts. I adore the idea of receiving gifts. I enjoy eating to excess. I relish the pleasure of drinking until my liver starts to sob. I live to not work for a fortnight. But I despise Christmas songs. If I never hear another Christmas song it will be too damned soon. In no particular order I loathe the following songs:
I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day. What a stupid f***ing sentiment! All the shops would be shut (apart from Tesco Express, which is only ever used for last minute milk runs). Who the hell could live in a world like that? Society would collapse and anarchy would reign supreme.
Fairytale of New YorkHow the hell is this meant to represent the spirit of Christmas? A drunken Irishman being verbally abused by his mouthy, ungrateful spouse? Admittedly, Christmas is a time when incidents of spousal abuse increase, but should we really be commemorating this hateful statistic with a bloody song?
Rudolph the Red-nosed ReindeerOstracised by elitist reindeer in Santa’s SS squadron of reindeer (because he doesn’t fit into the template of Aryan/Reindeer perfection) Rudolph is eventually accepted by these snobs because his physical deformity proves useful on a single occasion. Notice how there is no contrition from the other reindeer. None of them apologize for the emotional hardship, trauma and cruelty they made him endure. Personally, if I’d been Rudolph, I would have told all the reindeer, and Santa, to go and do one.
Santa Claus is Coming to TownThis song contains the line, “He sees you when you’re sleeping.” The only people who see you when you’re sleeping are stalkers, serial killers and people who want to touch you inappropriately on public transport. This line horrifies me.
Jingle Bell RockThis has always struck me as a form of sing-along-autism. I can imagine Dustin Hoffman’s character from Rain Man arbitrarily putting the words ‘Jingle Bell’ in front of a variety of seasonal nouns, (Jingle Bell chime and Jingle Bell time) to create this sort of uncomfortable auditory melange. I can also imagine his counselor suggesting an increase in his meds to address this sort of behavior.
Rockin’ Around the Christmas TreeThis one terrifies me. Brenda Lee has tried to paint a picture of benign festive domesticity. There’s mistletoe. There’s music. There’s singing. There’s food.But there’s only one type of food – pumpkin f***ing pie. There’s only one song we’re allowed to sing – Deck the f***ing halls. And we’re meant to sing it in perpetuity – like a purgatory of Christmas where we have to sing it, go carolling so we can sing it some more, and then eat more of that f**k awful pumpkin pie. Apparently, everyone is dancing with forced merriness in a style that’s described as the “new old fashioned way.” I don’t know what sort of mental mindf**k this “new old fashioned way” thing might be but I do know that The Shining wasn’t this scary.
There are others – so many others – but I’ve said enough for now. I’ll just end for this year by wishing every reader all the best for 2013.