Humor Magazine

I Could Out-Lazy You

By Dmroughton
I routinely call bullshit on students for their laziness, excuses, and general apathy towards their college work. The reason I am so good at calling them out is because, brother, I did it all before you ever even  thought about it.
In high school, I was the master procrastinator. My friend Angela loves to tell a story from high school, and recently my friend Kevin wrote me about the same thing:
It's funny when I read your posts about lazy students... I will never forget our senior term papers. I worked on mine for weeks and used several sources. You, on the other hand, wrote yours during homeroom. On the morning it was due, nonetheless, using 3 or 4 pamphlets. I must say that was one of the most amazing feats I have ever seen as far as academics are concerned.
I don't know about an amazing feat, but it was damn sure a lazy one. I even had my cheerleader girlfriend at the time rewrite my illegible handwriting while we sat in the hallway between classes because the teacher didn't require it to be typed; "highly suggesting" it was not enough of an impetus for me.
My friend Jimmie (who was a participant in this EVENT )  has another favorite story - this one from my undergrad years:
According to Jimmie (ok, so scratch the according to because it's true), I spent an entire two week period in undergrad without seeing sunshine. That's right. I stayed up partying all night. Like a vampire, before sunrise, I crashed out and didn't get out of bed again until the sun had gone down - for 14 days straight.
This was also the same period in which I only went to classes for the final exam. I purchased and read the textbooks the week before the exams. (Do not try this at home, kids.) If the class did not take attendance, I got a good grade. If the class took attendance, I got an F. Unfortunately, most freshman classes take attendance, so many of those As on the final exams were for naught. Incidentally, this was the semester in which my foreign College Algebra Instructor, whose speech I could not understand one bit when she was lecturing, told me the day of the final, "You not in these class."  To which I responded like a cliched dinner reservation scene in a movie by pointing to the list and saying, "Yep, that's me right there."
On term papers, unless it was a topic I liked, I routinely made use of the exaggerated margins, font size, and spacing. Because of this, I can now eyeball a student paper from 50 yards and tell whether it exceeds the standard 12 pt font.
Unlike many of my students, I never used the excuse of a dead grandparent because 1) it's just way too unoriginal and 2) that's just bad karma!
The point here is not to brag about the "academic feats" as Kevin calls them, but to show just how damn lazy I was at the time and why I don't tolerate it from my students.
After all, what did it get me? 
The loss of a full scholarship to UNC-Chapel Hill and subsequent student loan payments until I am 900 years old.  Doh!

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