At the times when my ego flares up and asks me: “are you actually happy? Do you even know what happiness is?” I am reminded that yes, I am happy. How do I know?
Because I wouldn’t change a thing. Not a single thing. The events of 2021 absolutely rocked me. I thought I had experienced “earth in upheaval” before then and it’s true: I won’t dismiss the earthquakes of life that had rattled me previously. But 2021? There was no upheaval. There was no great shaking of my foundations…instead I watched my life completely dissolve “like salt in a weakened broth” and there was no holding on. There was nothing safe to cling to, and in the very darkest moments when I finally faced and accepted that, I found myself in an empty room: literally and figuratively.
Instead, I decided to see how the Universe could rebuild a person pulled from the acid vat of cancellation…and I can tell you; I regret nothing. I wouldn’t change a single thing. Not a single step along the way do I remorse. I can’t. There is no salvation in “what if”. There is no silver lining or warm embrace of imagining a different past…one can only move forward.
And that’s how I know I am happy. I stared deeply into the pit, I threw it flowers, I listened to my demons and I learned their names…and instead of fearing them, locking them away, or drowning out their screams, I befriended them. I think that is what is meant in the saying “true freedom is embracing loneliness” because; one is only alone if in isolation…and isolation is an act of avoiding the things we cannot face.
I am happy.
A poem on kindness.
