When Henry potty trained a month after his 2nd birthday, everyone told me that it was due to his personality, and wouldn’t happen again, and definitely not with another boy, and, and, and…people said the same thing when he started sleeping through the night at 9 weeks too…
{side note: what if we all stopped telling each other that our victories are “flukes” and “won’t happen again”…because sometimes they do happen again, so what if we were just hopeful and encouraging and genuinely supportive and happy for each other, yes?}
Anyhow, when Miles, at a few weeks past his 2nd birthday, started going both #1 & #2 of his own free will, I came to the conclusion that we may be onto something here. Because Miles has a drastically different personality than Henry, so I had already decided that we wouldn’t even consider potty training until he was three.
But then, out of nowhere, one day he started yelling “poo poo potty!!!” and ran into the bathroom and did it. Go Miles! My husband and I looked at each other, shrugged, and then celebrated with our little guy.
So, here’s my #1 tip for potty training any child:
Don’t force it.
Yep. Because here’s the deal. Around the age that you are tired of chaining that diaper, your child has finally discovered autonomy. They no longer think that they are an extension of their parent, but have a new-found sense of self and independence.
To put it simply: potty training won’t work unless it is the child’s idea.
It’s a similar philosophy as eating. You can lead a child to broccoli but you can’t make them eat it. I mean, you can try, but there is no way to forcibly move their jaw up and down and cause them to swallow something they just. won’t. eat.
And this isn’t an excuse for poor parenting. I believe kids should eat healthy and I have some tips for encouraging this behavior, but potty training is a bit of a different animal altogether because using the toilet isn’t a health issue. It’s generally a convenience issue.
I know lots of kids who cognitively understand what it means to go potty, and simply choose not to. Don’t stress it. I don’t know any mentally stable adults who just can’t quite get the hang of using the toilet. It will happen. It may not be until age 3 or 4, but it will happen.
So don’t fight them on it. You will lose this battle and quite possibly your mind in the process.
So, here’s what we did, that has worked successfully for 2 out of 2 very different little boys.
1. Around age 18 months, start talking about it. At every diaper change, say “oh, hey! look! It’s poop/pee. This actually goes in the potty. Did you know that? Let’s put it in there! *plop it in there* Do you want to flush it? Yep, so cool huh? You know who always goes in the potty? Daddy does. Yep, and he’s a big boy. As soon as you want to be a big boy like daddy just let me know and I’ll help you, ok? Big boys put their pee and poop in the potty. Do you want to try? No? Ok, no big deal. Just let me know when you’re ready” and so on…
2. Don’t buy a training toilet. Toddlers who decide to potty train, generally do so because they want to do what their Dad, Uncle, big brother are doing. Dad doen’t use a tiny plastic potty on the floor, so odds are, they won’t really understand that this is the same thing. Get an insert if need be so they don’t fall in, but have them use the big toilet, just like the rest of the fam. Keep a stool close by so that it’s easier access for them.
3. Keep it fun, and stress-free. If a kid thinks that going potty is this big, huge, stressful deal they often shut down and just quit trying altogether. Let them pick out some new underwear, have them washed and ready where they can see them, and tell them that as soon as they are ready to start going in the potty they can start wearing the new underwear. But not yet, those are for big boys/girls. Also, keep accidents a non-issue. “oops! it’s ok sweet heart! sometimes that happens, it’s ok!” and move on. I’ll never, ever understand punishing a child for having an accident, especially when they are asleep.
4. Don’t make it gross, or bad, or shameful. I know, toddler poo is…belch. But if you make a face, gag, etc. every time you change their diaper this can actually give your child an unhealthy view of their body parts. Which can cause problems not only as a potty-trainer, but as a sexually aware teen and adult as well. Not to get too heavy, but don’t treat those parts like they are dirty, because they aren’t, even with poo on them. They are private, and we teach that, but there’s a big difference between something that is shameful and something that is private. We have open conversation about all of our body parts in our home. Nothing is off-limits and we tell our kids the truth, with real terms.
5. Lead by example. Yep, let them hang out when you are going. This is really easy. If you have small children you know that they will fight their way in to the bathroom with you anyway. If your kid sees you going, they are more likely to take the initiative to do it themselves as well. Let them see what you did, let them flush it. Talk about it in casual, practical terms. Also, if your boys want to pee standing because that’s what daddy does, let them. Just keep a roll of towels and a spray cleaner handy. If they aren’t scared or grossed out, potty training should be easy peasy.
Ok, happy {not} potty-training!
