Diaries Magazine

How to Tell If You Are a Parent

By Dmroughton
If you ever suffer massive amnesia, of the likes typically seen in overwritten melodramas, action movies, and sci-fi flicks, and you wake up wondering for days who you are and what your role is in life, then here are some sure fire ways to at least narrow down whether or not you are a parent:
  • You have superhuman hearing that wakes you up in the middle of the night if there is even the mildest creak out of the ordinary. (Yes, I know if you have amnesia you won't know what's out of the ordinary. Just shut up, and go with it.)
  • The back seat of your car is strewn with cookie, cracker, or chips crumbs. (As secondary verification, be sure there is no other evidence back there that you could be having an extra-marital affair with a Keebler elf.)
  • When you put on your socks, one fits perfectly, but its mate only goes up to just past your toes.
  • You look for something sweet to eat in your cabinets and satisfy your craving with an entire fistful of gummy vitamins.How to Tell If You Are a Parent
  • Your freezer has at least one shelf full of pizza rolls, microwaveable chicken nuggets, fish sticks, and macaroni and cheese. (Be careful as this may also indicate that you are a stoner.)
  • Your "alone time" is not spontaneous as you feel the need to plan it out and lock your door so as not to be interrupted. (Just in case, check to make sure this is not actually  a result of living with your parents even though you are in your thirties.)
  • When you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, you wander around the other rooms in your house to make sure "everything is alright."
  • During this midnight walk around the house, you trip over a bunch of crap in the floor and damn near break your neck. As you fly head first across the carpet, you try to transform the scream of "shit" coming out of your mouth into "sugar" but don't quite make it.
  • While in the grocery store or Wal-Mart, you see an, obviously, non-parent critiquing a parent's effort to discipline his or her child, and you think (about the non-parent), "Bitch, I will stab you in the eye."
Now that you have figured out you are a parent, you should probably try to find your kid. Just go to the closest school and walk around randomly. One of two things will happen:
  1. Your kid will smile and run up to you. Congratulations, you are probably a great parent!
  2. There may be one kid who absolutely refuses to make eye contact and looks totally embarrassed that you walked in. Well, at least you found your kid...

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