At the start of this month I was ill. There’s been talk that I was bitten by Aragog. Personally I think it was more like that creature from the alien films: Sigourney Weaver. Anyway, I’m still on antibiotics. The infection has subsided and I no longer need the stick. But do you want to know how bad the illness got? Can you keep a secret? OK. Just between you and I, I got so sick at one point I even sat through the first of those godawful Twilight movies.
Obviously, because I was floating in and out of a delirium of narcotic-fuelled unhappiness, I might have missed some key plot points, so if anyone is familiar with Twilight, could you please help provide answers to the following questions?
When did vampires start to sparkle? Is that really pertinent to anything? They sparkle in sunlight, so they live somewhere rainy? Was that what they were saying? Or were my meds too strong? Are sparkly vampires really a thing? Why would menacing creatures of the night sparkle like some jewel-encrusted shit from the shopping channel?
Did no one else think it sinister that a character who is 100+ years old is hanging around a high school? Do Operation Yewtree know about this concept? Did that not strike anyone else as being a little bit creepy? If we don’t start worrying about things like that, the Jimmy Saviles and Gary Glitters of this world will forever remain unobserved.
Dante Alleghieri’s death mask has a better range of facial expression than Kirstin Stewart. Is she an animatronic? And, if so, why didn’t they get a working one for this film? I’ve seen the Mona Lisa do better acting. Even Roger Moore could raise an eyebrow. Kirstin Stewart can’t even raise a sparkly vampire’s bloodlust.
There’s a saying that, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. It’s somewhat telling that, after making myself endure the Twilight apple, I revisited my doctor and demanded more tablets.
Anyone with answers to the above, please share your wisdom below.
