Humor Magazine

Hire Me. Or Not. Whatever. OK

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick

I'm starting a new little side business venture and once again am reminded that there is no place for someone like me in a regular business world.

I've decided to help solo and small businesses with digital and social media. It's a good idea, a good fit for me. I love organizational work and I love writing, plus I have a short attention span, which has made book writing reeeeaaally hard lately. Writing a 280-character tweet is about my speed these days. So yeah. Good idea.

The problem started when I had to take it off the drawing board and allow it to travel across the room to a conversation with real people.

This happened last week:

My writer friend: "I know I have to do more social media, I just don't know where to start."

My husband: "Diane can help you with that. She's written a guide book and is ready to take on some clients."

My writer friend: "Really? Diane, that's great!"

Me: "Wellll . . . I don't know. It's not really a guide book. I mean other people can do a much better job than me. I don't know anything about analytics. Or the law. But I won't charge much. So . . ." {picks up wine glass and gulps it like I just failed the SAT}

This is not new for me. I've never been much for self-promotion. Success, financial or otherwise, is for others; maybe people from Boardman or Girard, but not for some Hubbard girl. I still can't take credit for having published two books - self-published, that is. (See? See what I'm up against?)

This happened in the bank just today:

Guy at the bank, where we're filling out papers: "So, you're an author?"

Me: "Mmmmmyyyeah. Kind of ..."

My husband: "OH MY GOD. Yes, she's an author. She's written two books."

Bank Guy: "Really? That's great. What kinds of books do you write?"

Me: "Oh, just ... I don't know. {sinks down in chair, which is not easy since it's so uncomfortable} I'm a humor writer so they're just these stupid, silly books."

My husband puts his hand on his forehead.

There's a short, awkward silence and then Bank Guy asks, "Is it hard to write a book?"

Me: "No. Not really."

Another awkward silence.

Bank Guy then tells me he has some ideas for children's books. That his wife is hoping he'll make millions when one of his books is made into a TV show.

Me: "Oh, you'll never make any money from books."

My husband: "Wow, you're quite the inspirational person, aren't you?"

On that note, I will tell you that you'll be the first to get your hot little hands on my guide book as soon as it's finished. It's really great. Kind of.

~ ~ ~

This story was snagged from Diane's Notes, a monthly e-newsletter that I send out to my subscribers. It's an exclusive little club of the coolest people. You should join us. Sign up here.


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