Let’s face it, Christmas is coming very soon now. Like a giant wave of red and gold glitter on the horizon, it is facing you down, poised to engulf you in a gigantic crash of presents and guilt. It’s getting late to order anything online, and the shops are busy. So if you have a friend you’d like to buy something for, but haven’t, here is a handy list of gifts you could have given them if you had the time, money, energy and/or inclination.
For the friend who likes giant sea creatures and also cuddling: The Giant Squid Comfort Pillow. Or three! Why not three? Look how happy they all are on the sofa together.
Their tentacly cuddliness means you will never need human friends again.
What about the friend who loves buttered waffles and also wearing clothes? Try the Buttered Sweatshirt. Actually wearing it would probably make you feel ill after a while, or cause giants to attempt to eat you for breakfast. Looking at a lovely picture of it? Free and delicious.
Mmm. Buttery.
Now this zombie sculpture would make a great surprise present. Simply arrange it in your friend’s front garden shortly before they’re due back from the pub. Tip: video their reaction, then turn it into a digital video Christmas card. They’ll never forget it!
But remember: a zombie is for life, not just for Christmas.
And who doesn’t want to be eaten, I mean supported, by a giant red crab chair with claws that could tear you into pieces? For a mere six hundred dollars (reduced!) you can create a talking point and also terrify small children into never wanting to visit your house again.
Look at those cute murderous little eyes!
For a friend or lover whose face you don’t really like, try this all-over mermaid onesie . Also good for mermaid fetishists, which I’m fairly sure is a thing, this being the internet.
They’re smiling underneath. Probably.
There is an entire website selling rubber ducks in celebrity form, but my favorite is the Dorothy duck. A nightmarish mashup of a beloved childhood film and a beloved childhood toy, its face will haunt your sleep for many a Christmas to come. Which makes it excellent value for money!
Bathtime has never been so terrifying!
Speaking of beloved childhood toys, for the friend with a Nutcracker obsession and very high ceilings, try this gigantic statue. Five thousand dollars, but who can put a price on happiness? And this is definitely happiness. That woman standing next to it definitely looks happy.
No, of course it’s not going to come to life and eat you, why would it do that?
And finally, do you have a friend who loves unicorns but never seems to manage to bag one when you go hunting? Assuage their shame with this inflatable unicorn head trophy and nobody will ever know their shame.
It’s ok, inflatable unicorns don’t feel pain.
Happy Giftmas!
