I either need me some new glasses from the Piggly Wiggly, or that’s Mario Lopez playing Bingo behind me. Stay cool, June Bug.
Seriously. I don’t know what’s in these markers, but it is some goooood s***. I could sniff this bad boy all day.
I got me my lucky watermelon and some Orange Fanta. Daddy’s bringing home some cash tonight, bitches.
No, really. It even tastes like Glitter and Cherry Jell-O. This shizzle is off the hook. Gimme some more cards and keep ‘em comin’, boys. Boo Boo likes.
This is my ‘Bingo Face.’ It’s also my ‘What’s That Smell Face’ and my ‘I Don’t Even Remember Eating That Face.’
Forget the RNC. Looks like even Wednesday Bingo Night takes a hit when Honey Boo Boo Child is on TV.
There is definitely something in the air in Georgia.
I don’t know if it’s pollen, Amtrak exhaust or smoke from that BBQ Shack with all the pig memorabilia.
But whatever it is, it’s making everyone sneeze. And eat.
A lot.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back for another Redneckulous episode and as a TLC public service announcement, it would have been nice if the whole thing had come with some sort of Kleenex disclaimer during the opening credits.
By now, we already know that sitting through an entire episode pretty much requires a pack of Wet-Naps and a fresh flip top of floss at the finish line. That’s no news flash.
Even the sneezes aren’t really anything new.
But this week we were treated to the kind of industrial-sized honks and woogies that would make any Coupon Queen proud, as whatever it is that’s floating in that thick Georgia air claimed a few more victims.
With only a week or so left before Alana‘s big pageant, it was time to get serious. In preparation for the competition, Mama June had already bought a new BeDazzled cupcake dress and hooked Honey Boo Boo Child up with that crazy lady with the matching crazy a** striped hair from Deevas Dance Studio. So now it was on to a makeup tutorial.
Always the budgeting penny pincher, June knew that between the new dress, that crazy a** hair lady and pageant entry fees that this was going to cost a good chunk of change to get Alana on the stage. So saving some dinero wherever she could was key.
And since most pageant organizations now frown on bartering for their services with a Ford truck cab full of Brawny paper towels, it was clear that June was going to have to learn how to do Alana’s makeup on her own. Cutting out a hired hair and makeup person could not only save upwards of $400, but it would also free up some elbow room in those congested hotel suites as everyone goes into panic mode four minutes before their age group is called.
Did I just say upwards of $400? To do a 7 year old’s makeup?
Shut. Up. Seriously. If I wasn’t worried about getting pegged as a perv or having to explain where I go every weekend and why I have so many little Ramada soaps, I would totally be downtown right now banging on the front door of CVS until the overnight cleaning crew let me inside to bag some Revlon and Aqua Net. $400? Sign me up.
Sparkle, baby. And get that lipstick off your flipper. My bad.
So it was off to the Style Salon for the Boo Boo girls and Mama, where Jennifer Garner was going to show them how to get Alana all Beautimous.
I know, right? Jennifer Garner! Do you think Ben Affleck‘s baby might be there in the chair next to Boo Boo? I’m so excited.
Psych. Wrong Jennifer Garner.
I guess the first clue should have been the outside of the building, that looked like either a holding cell where they stick you when the cops are stuck in traffic, or one of those after-hour clubs with no door knobs.
Second clue should have probably been the printed label wrapped around whatever meds you’re on that would ever make you think Jennifer Garner was going to be the one doing Honey Boo Boo Child’s makeup.
Like that’s ever gonna happen.
The Fake JG got right down to business on Alana’s face as June watched with that same kind of intensity you would have when your first pick up truck is getting detailed. JG split Boo Boo’s face down the center and made her Super Modelicious on the left side and then handed the reigns to June.
Remember the episode of H. R. Puffnstuff when they kept screaming “MakeUP!!!” and then slamming a pillow case full of powder into Witchypoo‘s face over and over?
Yeah. It was like that. But worse.
(And hey…I heard that. Maybe I’m not old enough to remember the show. Maybe I just watched it on youtube for the first time this week, mmmkay? Don’t be hatin’, bitches.)
By the time June finished tagging Alana’s right side with what appeared to be either gangstah symbols or an homage to that guy in KISS who has the star on one eyeball, it was a hot mess. Guess she better start bankrolling another $400 and hit me up on my Sidekick.
Since it was clear that a hair and makeup person was now in their future, June and Sugar Bear took all the Boo Boos down to the VFW Hall for Wednesday Bingo Night, in an attempt at scoring the $1000 prize.
If we learned anything from the entire Republican National Convention caving in under the sheer weight of Redneck Power this month, it’s that nobody wants to do anything on a Wednesday night except watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Not even hardcore BingoHeads.
The place was empty, which should have given them pretty good odds at bringing home some bacon considering that all the Boo Boos combined made up roughly half of the building’s audience that night.
Alana didn’t really understand the whole concept and was initially happy to just disrupt everyone else’s focus and stamp out smiley faces on her napkin. The rest of the Boo Boo girls basically ate snacks and dabbed the markers on their own noses while they chewed. Shugie either slept or was really focused on his cards. I’m not sure what was going on there.
Turns out that all the coupon fine printing has finally taken its toll on June’s eyes, which explained why she went full scale Mole Man every time a Bingo ball popped up out of that Bingo ball shoot thing. Squinting like you do when your car first turns a corner during the evening rush and you get that full on setting sun burning into your corneas so badly that you’re afraid you’ll end up in one of those tragic Reader’s Digest stories about survival, June could barely see the cards in front of her.
Guess that explains the whole makeup fiasco, too.
June called it her Bingo Face. Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?
Controversy erupted at the close of the evening as Alana accused some lonely woman in the back of the hall of cheating. Not that Alana really knew the rules. But she lost. And in the mind of a 7 year old child…and maybe mine as well…it always means someone else cheated. Because losing sucks big ones.
As June explained to us how upset and disappointed Alana was at going home with nothing but Magic Marker finger, Mama was overcome with yet another one of her monster sneezing attacks, which I’m still contemplating using as my new ring tone. I’ve never been too fascinated by the whole sneezing process until the Reality TV Gods gave me Honey Boo Boo, but now it’s like I’m nasally born again or something.
I’m pretty sure my television actually wobbled a little as June honked one out, it was so good. Trust me…it was strong enough to send Dorothy to Oz and back before dinner.
Ah-Choo!
After a quick nose wipe it was off to The Chic Boutique to meet up with Miss Georgia 2011, who was going to make a valiant attempt at teaching Alana some Klass.
Strutting up the sidewalk in total Baywatch slow motion, complete with a sassy Pam Anderson hair toss, Michaela Lackey had no clue what she was walking into once she finally made it up to Alana and Mama.
Obviously Michaela had not been able to contact Barbara Hickey, the Etiquette Coach who had previously tried to teach some table manners to the Boo Boos and see what she was up against with this family, or she would have been on the other side of the Georgia state line by now. That lack of communication was most likely due to the fact that they probably have fairly limited visiting hours at whatever Insane Asylum Miss Manners was admitted to after Pumpkin tooted out a few good ones at the dining room table.
Hulu that episode. Classic Gassic.
But Michaela gets an “A” for effort.
Hoping to give Alana tips on reaching her goals and maybe not talking with her mouth full, it was an exercise in futility. The three of them poked around the boutique just long enough for Alana to run through a few wind chimes and try to knock a chandelier down with her face, and for Miss Georgia to perfect her fake smile. She was dying on the inside, I tell you. Dying.
Then it was off for some dessert, where Alana demonstrated how the Boo Boos like to take one gigantic piece of whatever happens to land on their plate and then slowly shove it down their throats like a wood chipper. If it dangles out a few inches, so be it.
Alana then finished off the meal, and more than likely Miss Georgia’s television career, with a little gas and a face covered in at least three of the six major Food Groups.
Gah. How much do I love this family?
With that job interview smile still pasted on her face, Michaela suggested that Alana may have some refining to do before she puts on a Miss America crown, and then slowly walked back off into the sunset with vaseline on her teeth and desperation in her eyes.
Thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts.
And speaking of gifts….it was time for Alana’s Birthday Party!
Honey Boo Boo Child was officially turning 7 and it was time to celebrate. And nothing says Happy Birthday like raiding a Coupon Queen’s plastic shelving unit and regifting some hot sauce and liquid soap.
Yup. Them other Boo Boo girls are some cheap a** bitches.
Pumpkin, Chubbs and Chickadee swiped some goods from Mama June’s Costco room and quickly wrapped them up with one sheet of gift wrap and four rolls of scotch tape. Maybe five.
Having a Mother who hoards office supplies as well as toothpaste certainly has its benefits when it comes to last minute gifts. And you don’t have to fight all that Black Friday traffic down at the Galleria when you can just go from the bathroom to the dining room and get all your shopping done while you’re still in your underwear.
Mama and Shugie had set up a Slip n’ Slide and a Sno-Cone booth in the front yard to create the ultimate birthday park, and Alana took a total spaz. She loved every minute of it and spent the entire day buzzing between the slide and the pool and the pool and the slide.
Even June tried to climb the inflated steps on the slide, but that didn’t exactly go as planned. Something about the rope being on the wrong side. And maybe the fact that she’s substantially big and proud with a Forklift toe. And water slides are basically gigantic balloons filled with non-supportive oxygen. You can do the physics math on that one.
But it’s the thought that counts. And Alana loved her hot sauce and her family…and that’s all that mattered.
It was the best birthday party ever.
Capped off with the best sneeze ever. If you’re into gross, slimy sneezes that is.
Chilling out in her lawn chair, Alana finished off the show with a sneeze that pretty much blew out the portion of her brain responsible for long division. Girl…it was nasty.
Who knew? She must have picked up some manners from Miss Georgia after all, because Alana clamped her hands over her face to hide the evidence and then just sat there in horror wondering why nobody behind the camera could hand her a Kleenex.
That made two of us. Nobody could help? There’s an entire room in that freakin’ house with nothing but paper goods and nobody could run inside?
Not one person came to her rescue.
Ten minutes later, she was still sitting there.
I didn’t check, but it could have been another twenty before she finally…slooooowly…stood up and slipped past the cameras like cartoon characters do when they turn to rubber and just slide off the chair in search of the elusive tissue.
Next time is…Ah-Choo!…Pageant Time.
Big honk if you love Boo Boo.
