Is your spray tan tingling?
Are your pretty feet dragging?
Is your energy level and pageant hair not quite as high as it should be?
You must still be looking to fill that void until Toddlers & Tiaras returns for Season Six.
Maybe some Boo Boo and Booger Realness will keep you off the streets until June 5, because Honey Boo Boo Child and Paisley Dickey are here to save the day.
Another Best Of Flashback, as it were.
Because that’s what I do. I make everything all better. And talk smack.
It’s like a gift or something. I don’t question it, and neither should you.
Just strap yourself into the Tiara Time Machine and check out a few blasts from the past featuring two of America’s favorite pixie-stix princesses.
Who can forget the first time we all met Redneckulous Alana Thompson and her Redneckulous coupon clippin’, mud boggin’, cheese ballin’, butt tootin’ family?
Something about hollering for a dollar if memory serves me correctly.
And how about that paper towel fight when Mama June, Sugar Bear and Boo Boo emptied out the Coupon Cavern and catapulted Brawny double-ply missiles all over the living room?
Or that dance. That beautiful, captivating moment of musical spaz.
It’s true. Alana’s Go-Go Juice inspired acid trip boogie still gives me life on rainy days.
It makes the best screen saver evah, and has probably set off way more strobe light seizures than TLC is willing to admit to in court.
Love. Her. And her backwoods, bat s*** crazy family, though I’m still waiting for my dinner invitation. I can be there on the next train. The one by your bathroom window.
I’ll cut them some slack and assume that they must be too busy cleaning the pig poo off the dining room table to hit me up on my Sidekick right now. But call me, maybe?
Or we could just meet up in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Double Coupon Day.
And then there was tiny Paisley learning how to walk like a runway diva.
Seriously. C’mon. How cute is she? Just. Shut. Up.
Paisley’s such a nugget that all Mom Wendy really needed to do was prop her up inside that Barbie corvette and let her sit there collecting trophies, but for some reason they felt she should walk around the stage a few times at the next pageant.
It probably had something to do with Dad having that bad habit of backing toy cars up over his daughter whenever the light turns green.
Or maybe it was just because the all other girls walked around. I dunno.
I watch pageants. I never claimed to understand them.
Regardless. Remember when Mom, Dad and my sassy BFF agent Blake Woodruff all took Li’l PDickey (…yes, I just gave a preschooler a gangstah rap name…) to some random jewelry store to learn how to walk like they do on RuPaul’s Drag Race?
I know, right? I always practice my best moves at Zales, don’t you?
Twerkin’ at the Ring Case.
One. I’m pretty sure that the woman in all that zebra print who taught Paisley how to go heel/toe and pop a hip was the Missing Pointer Sister that TMZ keeps talking about.
Two. My Boy Blake could have done a better job showing Paisley how to werk it to the end of the stage. You know he could. And you know he wanted to.
I’ll bet my salary that they edited out the part where he jumped over the wooden display case and shoved that Pointer Sister chick out of the camera shot.
Shake It like a Polaroid picture.
Then Bobble It like you’re suction cupped to a dashboard, bitches.
And have fun with that, mmmkay?
Love. Them. Even More.
So there you go.
Enjoy a few flashbacks while we wait for the next round of sparkly awesomeness. It’ll be like tripping with Alana all over again.
But just remember when it comes to drugs…and glitz…that coming down’s the hardest part. Trust me.
Oh. And I almost forgot…
Hey. Isabella.
What do you think about all this hilarity?
Still a big fan of my site?
