~~~ I wrote this post right after Christmas last year.It was one of those writings that I just had to put downbecause sometimes it helps with the pain..When I finished writingmy heart was too tender to publish.I am publishing todayjust in case he ever sees it. ~~~
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I think of him mostwhen I'm taking down my memory Christmas trees.My self discipline not to thinkis chipped away at every ornament about him.I begin to break inside.How could life have really turned out like this.
The feelings of heartbreak that I've carefully kept at bay all yearcome rushing in.Feelings I have so carefully boxed and storeddeep iinside my heartrclearly markedDO NOT OPEN.But I can't listeninstead I begin to pick at the healed scars.
Chastising my emotional weaknessfor moving onburying it all deepbecause on some days my sanity feels shaky.There has been so much recent lossfrom my parents dyingJeff losing his job out of the blue 4 years agofiguring out how to reestablish our finacial security..His chosen estrangement was just too much.
Sometimes we must seal our heart and go into survival mode.But then out of what feels like the bluethe incredible feel of loss rushes on.
I remember his sweetness as a child.His earnest love when giving presents.When I would kiss him on the cheekhe would then say'he was pushing it into his heart'
I have to wonderwhen did I fail him.Was it an instant?Was it happening all along for yearsway before he ever begin to verbalize his feelings.
We talked about it so many times.I don't know if even he knows.
But right nowI know I have to finish packing away these Christmas memories of him.I must once again seal my heartbecause if I don'tI feel his chosen estrangement will drown me in heartbreakand I am still a mother to two other wonderful childrenand now grandchildren.
I have proven to myselfI am a strong and resilient woman.
I will once again refocus on all that I have to be grateful for..
But just in case you were wondering Slater Saunders BeardsleyI still love you.I always will.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
