Diaries Magazine


By Agadd @ashleegadd

{ excerpt from Big Sur }

It’s 7:30am and my alarm isn’t set to go off for another hour. I rarely sleep past 7:00, even when I know my body could use the extra rest. My mind is always bright in the morning, full of fresh thoughts and new hopes. It seems like sleep would be a waste when I know what the alternative holds.

Sometimes when I wake up early, I watch Brett sleep for a minute. Is that creepy? I don’t mean to be a creep. He always looks so peaceful. Content. Calm. Just breathing and dreaming….of what, I can never be too sure.

Sometimes, when I watch his steady breath and the whole house is quiet except for the hum of the fan on my nightstand, my heart aches for him. As if it’s so full of love that it physically hurts me. When Brett and I first started dating seven years ago, my heart would ache for him every time we were apart. Sweet, sweet teenage love. There’s nothing quite like it, is there? Now, four years into marriage, sometimes my heart aches even when we’re together.

I like to believe that this feeling is part of God’s perfect design for marriage. That it’s part of His plan for a husband and wife to love each other so deeply, it hurts sometimes. That we should never lose sight of what brought us together in the first place, and never get too comfortable, but instead maintain and nurture a longing for one another. That we should keep steadfast in our efforts to show each other love, and use the heartache as ammunition to never stop pursuing.


It’s cold this morning. I’m wrapped in a bathrobe three sizes too big for me, but I can still feel the morning chill grazing my legs. There are birds singing in the trees and for the past fifteen minutes I’ve been watching a squirrel jump from branch to branch, chasing food I assume, or perhaps another attractive, single squirrel.

Brett’s inside, sleeping soundly. I can see him through the window.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to sleep past 7:00.

Until then, I’ll just keep my mornings for storytelling.

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