Healing series wrap up: Truth in being!
When we have lived our lives full of lies, not the lies we tell other people but the lies we endure inside the self. That space inside the mind that says I am not able to be loved, I am not able to get through this, I am lost to this and this has such a pain in it no one will love me for it. I know what I felt inside me the day this was very present in me. I remember feeling the lost feeling, and there inside me was this great pain.
I knew that I had to stand in it now, there was no turning back and the lies that my pain had surrounding it gave me no more purpose! No more reason to run, no more reason to hide, no more reason to chase! I could feel it and know that it was going to destroy me, and what I had created inside myself to keep me from this very deep pain I had to embrace. There was no more Mother’s arms to run into because of the pain. It was gone! My beliefs as few as they had been branded from when she left this world were very much another new form of lying I had that gave me truth but no comfort in the truth. I was uncomfortable and what was put together now was shattered. The year prior in my attempt to take my own life wasn’t without this moment. I was now faced with not being the man she was ever going to get to see in this world. And the uncomfortable experience I was left with was the conditions that I hurt from. This shattering was the egos final attempt in breaking every template I could access to find a true love I could live with not even seeing what was left when this was finding it’s path to me.
Flash back to November 5, 2008 6:47 a.m.
That morning the pain was unbearable I woke and could feel something was different, It was the first time that I channeled and knew I was channeling something that was not of this world. I knew she was gone, the energy came and told me what I was to bring here now. The templates were no longer something I could access, only the truth.
The truth of how painful this was is all I can share with you and hopefully bring you to the place this shattering did to me and my lies.
The template of the vessel is a recorded function of what we are in love, never are you not this love, and as you create ego the vessel endures it’s mission.
As I now was faced with the loss of the unconditional love that I thought would always be there in my existence in the physical. My mothers voice came through during her attack as her final moments came to a few breathes of air she would take to send to me in energy. This vibration took me out of my mind and showed me through her eyes who I could be if I broke the conditions I had on myself to be the shining light of truth that the world will .
As these moments came such a vault door was being spun then opened and I could hear it opening to release me from the inside. I could see the mess I made of my existence and could see the beauty in the choices I made and the ultimate disaster it was that I had to embrace because I was still looking for ways to be ok with this.
The truth….
The truth was that I was always in pain, not just because of the things that my life situation gave me, but because I could see the pain of everyone around me and realize it was only a mirror that I was within myself. I was lost in what it was trying to show me all along. I manipulated pain to keep myself unconscious without even seeing, that this was all my own doing.
Wishing I was never born! A lie I made up when I was 5, when I got a spanking for breaking something I didn’t mean to break.
Thinking I was stupid cause when I looked at the math problem at 8 years old that I got smacked upside the head and told myself I had an empty brain.
I was allowed to cheat because my first girlfriend cheated and on me and with my parents both doing it I was now going to because it was inevitable, I was never going to have the love of someone who wouldn’t cheat!
I was a cheater because I always was able to do what I was doing to feel a glimpse of love that covered all the other lies I had inside myself because I just wasn’t good enough.
I wasn’t a boy anyone could love because even my own birth father couldn’t stay because of me, because I was always breaking things and not smart enough, I was a failure he didn’t want to see grow up and become a bigger failure! In my mind was that I was just a punishment sent here to torture my father and my mother. I knew nothing else but to be bad, run from pain and make horrible choices! Till I found the root of this way of being>>>>>>>>
I was unloved by myself, for myself.
RED ALERT Message: Condition Found!
That day was my true rebirth! I felt my mothers hands come from a space of no longer here and pull this out of me and had me look at it. I felt this and after writing I went back to bed. My brother came to my room about 11 a.m. and said he was going to work but would stop to check on our mother. I didn’t get up and go, I should have for the next 3 days our lives were going to go into a darkness I never imagined.
He found her… she was barely alive, but not! She left this world off a machine 3 days later!
We have such a truth to discover as we do our work. The healing to find the condition we placed on ourselves gives us every right to hurt inside and then seeking salvation outside for someone to take this away from us. Your light can give you the truth if you allow it! We never go into see where to let go of the single most powerful emotional energy we have inside that the ego uses in every case the inner child that endured it all and waited for you to go back to the truth to reset.
As I went inside this root my mother was there holding the broken me and she held out her hand and pulled me into myself to show me that even though she was gone she will never be gone. I was free of what I wasn’t no more!
Coming out of this because the space of letting go of all that was not me. The love I had now had to be the only feeling I could have to embrace me without thinking. Any thoughts needed to be removed from what that love was, and what it was trying to give me no matter how deep the pain was.
The dreams became stronger and the depth of the ocean was showing me in my dreams what I was in the truth in stillness and what everyone else was as well!
The truth needs to be revealed to you, it isn’t a cruel world just your sight of what you are and won’t be accepted for needs to be gone into.
Heal your depth in truth for it is there to set you free!
Justin T. THANK YOU FOR THIS SONG! NOW I KNOW WHY IT KEEPS FINDING ME!
Love deeply,
Clark
