Hanging on

I'm here I'm still here Even though I've been using Facebook more than blogger recently As it's quick and easyAnd when I have zero energy after a day in schoolI don't feel like writing a whole big spiel So When I last left youI had taken some time off school due to a funny tummy caused by anxietyI really was struggling And I took about four days offI went back this weekAlthough I missed today due to bad weather and icy conditionsBut it's great to be back I missed my course My school friends The horses Yesterday I got to ride for the first time in a couple of weeks In the morning I was on Blue My little white friend We are pretty good buddies by this stage I spend time grooming him Tacking him upHe has a bad habit Which is called wind sucking Which means he bites on to his feeding troughArches his neck And sucks in the airApparently It releases a rush of endorphins And the horse gets addicted to itI was telling my Mam about this yesterday And she said'Ruby, trust you to get one horse who is a drug addict!'Oh how we laughed It is funny though I try the distract Blue from the wind sucking But he is one determined boyIt's no secret in the yard that Blue is lazy He's also very smallAnd his trot is so neat If very slow And his canter Well when I can get him to canter It's just adorable He's like a little toy horse Yes I'm developing a real sense soft spot for Blue In the lesson Blue was just not feeling it He was barely conscious Never mind awake And he just flat refused to canter for me But anyway I love him all the same In the afternoon I was on Bambi Who is just a joy And beautiful to boot Feistier than Blue She is pretty from head to tail And boy does she know it She is a lot more responsive So where as with Blue I've to give him a good kick to get going With Bambi She just needs a squeeze And a tap of the stick to canterYesterday In our individual exercise We had to canter twice around the arena Which meant passing out the rest of the ride Blue was so funny When he had done one circuit He just slotted in behind NikonAnd in front of Jigsaw So nearly and perfectly I got Bambi to do it though Eventually 
I've been getting a lot of support since this anxiety has taken over I spoke to my tutor I'm seeing Mary again for a few weeks And I also have been seeing my school counsellor As well as help from my family and friends I am truly blessed to have so many good people in my life And it just makes life that bit easier Anxiety really is a silent assassin To the outsider It's not detectable But in my head There is a whirlwind going onThoughts and more thoughts Thinking and over thinking It's relentless negativity For me It leads to rash and impulsive actions Doing things without thinking them throughIt also goes hand in hand with insecurity Low confidence Low self esteem And perfectionism The bottom line being that I think I'm a bad person And just not good enoughOne of my tutors has been great She is our horsemanship tutor So she does horse theory with us on a Wednesday And come new out to the stables with us the following couple of days She gave me a ring on Tuesday To see how I was doing I was feeling pretty low And she told me some things that really helped She said my horse riding was one of the best in the groupAnd that I am really liked within the groupThat I am a positive influence I can't tell you the lift it gave me to hear this I always felt like the dunce in horse riding That I did everything wrong I also thought people didn't like me at allSo to hear that I am very much liked is so reassuring I'm becoming aware that I need a lot of affirmation That I don't trust my own judgment as far as how I'm doing I'm sure that's okBut I need to be able to assure myself Without getting it from others I'm hoping that doing this course will boost my confidence And I will start to see myself in a more positive light I mean I'm doing my best I really am Learning does not come easy to meAnd I really need to work on it Especially around the theory I have an IT exam coming up tooI had the choice to take it before Christmas or after I'm think I'm going to take it after Just to give myself that extra bit of time I've also started studying in the evenings Just to go over stuffAnd get it in to my head I'm feeling a lot better now And am optimistic about continuing my course I love itI am in my element learning about horses I guess the dream is to own my own pony or horseThat would be in my wildest dreams I'm think it's possible It could happen And this course is perfect for learning all I need to knowI must say The course is fantastic The tutors The way it's run The course content It's very comprehensiveAnd gives a great foundation for learning about horsesI love it so much 
In other news Christmas is fast approaching I usually love it But this year in just not feeling itSo far anyway It's supposed to be the best time of year But of course it doesn't always happen that way It can often be a really stressful time I know many of my Christmases growing up were ruined by addictionPeople drinking too much Fights Family rows Bust ups and breakdowns Absolute disasters Thankfully Our house is an alcohol free zone Anyone who comes here knows the score I really don't miss drinking I don't miss it at allEspecially the hAngovers When I drank at my staff party in the summer It took me days to recover The come down was horrific The fear The shame about what you did and said the night before The stupid things I did that seemed like a good idea at the time No I enjoy my sobriety far more than that It is precious Christmas makes me feel very grateful for what I have A lovely comfortable house to live in A dry clean bed to sleep in Clothes on my backFood in my fridge A loving and strong family around meTwo beautiful dogs at my feet Who I love beyond words Friends that I cherish A course that I love And a feeling of contentment that I don't think I have felt before What is important has changed radically for me this year This time last year I was relapsing Losing weight Not to mention my mind Controlling my weight was my priority I thought about it morning til nightNow I rarely think about it I don't weigh myself I have no idea what I weigh Android I don't want to know My clothes fit I feel strong and healthy My hair and nails and skin are in good condition And even if I did gain a little weight It's not the end of the world In the scheme of things It's not really important I'm ashAmed to say that I used to look at overweight people And pity them And wonder how they could live with themselves I judged them And feared them Now I look at people And their weight doesn't effect the way I look at them Same as I look at a black person orca gay person I don't see the labels I see the person And that for me has been enlightening I found my know what the turning point for me was I guess it was a couple of things Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired Just having enough Realising that my ED was making me feel utterly miserable The fact that my body and mind could take no more Then I started horse riding And that helped me more than I can ever describe For me It was so important to fill the hole that my ED left With something positive And horse riding is that something positive Since I started equine assisted therapy back in March I'm have fallen in love with everything horsey I just can't get enough of it I am learning that it is so important to have a raisin d'être A reason to get up in the morning A purpose Something that warms your heart Your spirit Your soul It's amazing to be able to say it But I feel happy For the first time in my life I actually feel happy I hope my story will give others hopeI got through six years of drug addictionAnd 15 years of disordered eating With all sorts of other little addictions along the way There is life after these issues I am walking talking proof of that So whatever you doNever give up hope As long as we are breathing There is hope 
Below are some photos of my time during equine assisted therapy...