There are, as you know, many teachable moments in our lives. From the time we are born our parents and teachers look for moments in which we can be taught important lessons that will affect the rest of our lives. I suspect that as we get older and are responsible for teaching those who are younger we don’t often realize that we still experience moments in our lives when the light comes on and we learn something new.
Grief as a long process through which we move has the potential for providing us with many teachable moments. These have just as great a possibility of being life-changing as those moments we had when we were children. What are some of them?
Regret There are very few people who do not experience some degree of regret following the death of a loved on. What do we do with that? We can’t turn the clock back so what can we learn from regret. A father recently shared with me how he experienced some regrets after the death of his daughter. So I asked him is there was anything he had learned from that. His answer was, “Well I am determined to not miss a thing with my surviving daughter or my mother!” A lesson well learned!
Anger Life is not always what we consider “fair”. Young children die, young parents die. Things are missed at the hospital and the death of a loved one seems unnecessary and avoidable. Or perhaps the life of the person who died seemed a waste to you. Anger is one emotion that destroys hope. Again, it helps to come to the realization that many situations in life are totally beyond our control and we couldn’t have done anything about it. The hope that you once held for the past is no longer valid. It is possible to create new hope and in so doing create a new life. The realization that a new life can be created is, in itself, an important teachable moment – one that should not be resisted.
Joy Joy sneaks up on you. Don’t resist it. People often say to me, “I will never be happy again. Why should I think about the future, I have no future and I don’t really want to go on.” From my experience, I know that for most, this is a passing phase and they will move past this. How? Children in the family, family pets, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, a piece of music and many other things that we take for granted, can all of a sudden bring a moment of joy to a grieving person. When we are surprised when a moment of joy sneaks up on us, it may make us realize that life can be renewed even following the death of a loved one.
Guilt Guilt is closely related to regret, but it is different. Guilt comes when we think we are to blame for something that went wrong. You may experience guilt over a small or a big thing during life with your loved one. Guilt is something that is taught to us by so many different people in our lives: our parents, our teachers, our religious leaders as well as others. It is a teachable moment when we realize we don’t have to live with guilt. Life is what it is and most of us live life to the best of our ability. We make mistakes or perhaps just miss opportunities. Whatever it is, take time to forgive yourself for these moments and to move on with new resolve, freed of unnecessary guilt that can hold you back from moving on.
Patience Are you an impatient person? If so, this process will not be something that will come easily to you. In realizing that you are impatient, you will come to learn that change and growth take time and do not happen quickly. This is especially true as a we get older when we have to unlearn some of our unhelpful habits and ideas from the past. Learning patience is an “ah-ha moment” for many people and changes the way they approach life and other people.
New learning One of the side effects, and an important one at that, of the grieving process is that it affords those who are grieving an unsolicited opportunity for new learning. It is especially true when a spouse dies that the survivor was probably quite satisfied with the division of labour around the home. When one dies, it often means that the survivor is put in a place of having to learn new skills: cutting the lawn on the rider mower, cooking the evening meal, doing the laundry, changing a light bulb. You name it the new jobs to be learned are endless. And you may find yourself surprised and pleased that you can learn jobs that you never dreamed you would have to do or wanted to do. You will learn that you can do things you thought impossible in the past.
The benefits of teachable moments are endless. Teachable moments cover so much that the learning knows no boundaries. So whatever the situation or area of interest, learning is an opportunity. Children are always learning and so are adults. Many times we do not slow down enough to know how and what we are learning. As odd as it may seem, the death of a loved one provides many teachable moments as you will soon discover. Don’t resist the opportunity to learn, it is the way to successfully navigate the grief process and to grow as an individual.
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