Gardening Magazine

Google Search Terms

By David Marsden @anxiousgardener

Four years ago, I wrote about the unusual, odd and funny search engine entries that –  often mystifyingly – lead visitors to my blog (see – Anxious Hog).   Hot on the heels of that post, here’s a few more search words and phrases that made me smile, raise an eyebrow or grimace.


Her fantastic calves

I felt a bit sorry for the thrill seekers who on typing “a glimpse of petticoats video” or “her fantastic calves” or “naughty pic of victorian lords and ladiesended up here.  But they were probably sorrier than I.


Long tailed tits

I felt less sorry for others.  I have written often about bird life in the garden and regularly featured photographs of various tits.  No real surprise then that I am the ultimate destination for hordes of panters who arrive, dishevelled, expecting something else entirely.


Grey Heron and not a fat wood pigeon

Feverishly seeking “photo of fat wood pigeons and bums” however is just plain weird.


A lion full stop

Animal searches are common too including: “lamb nostril” (oh…kaaay), “hippo bum” (what is it with bums, people?), “fox holding a daffodil” (not too specific then), “lion defecates” (I honestly have no idea), “cuckoo penis” (hand up.  I have used those two words)

Cow with nose ring

and an insatiable appetite for cows sporting nose rings.  “Cow in shed at home” on the other hand is rather sweet and suggests a log fire, slippers, a pipe and the newspaper.


Man with gunnera.  (Image from

Can you split a gunnera” is often asked but “how would you know if you got gunnera” is not and I hope they weren’t seeking treatment tips.  My gunnera advice of cutting back in winter and protecting from frost will have alarmed any gonorrhea sufferer.


I am surprised by how often variations on “do cows eat asparagus” appear.  A while ago, I wrote that a herd of cows broke into The Priory to wreak havoc and raid the asparagus patch.  I hardly think it’s a common gardening nuisance but perhaps it is.  Be on your guard.  And also ensure your cow identifying skills are as good as this fellow’s – “that’s not a cow that’s an asparagus“.  I’m relieved someone’s up to speed and would know to raise the alarm if he sees a “cow eating grass cutter machine“.  That’s one scary cow.

Pachyphytum oviferum

Pachyphytum oviferum

I am so very disappointed with all my hemorrhoid queries.  I once – ONCE! – called Pachyphytum oviferum the hemorrhoid plant so why, oh why do I get so many hemorrhoid searches?  I can just about cope (so to speak) with “tiny hemorrhoid” but “hemorrhoid popped” weren’t words I wanted in my brain.  Maybe the same unfortunate also typed in “hemorrhoids simply disappeared“.   We can but pray.

New born calf

Margaret’s new born

Here’s a phrase I longed to recite solemnly to my farmer friend, Margaret (she of the asparagus eating cattle) – “lowly is the woman with a calf” but actually I chickened out. She can throw a stern look.  “Looking back with regret with a magnifying glass” is sadly wistful (but I also wanted to roll my eyes, pat their shoulder and suggest it might be time to move on).  Whereas “water nuisance, annoyance, harassment yorkshire” frustrated me for not knowing more about water harassment.  Especially in Yorkshire.  “Why are there grass snakes in my driveway” is an imponderable but personally I’d be thrilled.  I’m puzzled that “alien facehugger” links to me and equally puzzled, if irritated, by the incomplete “spotted at Singapore botanical garden a bright green snake as thin as my little finger but very …”.  Very what?  Argumentative?  Vain?  I shall never know.  Another annoyingly hanging phrase was “anxious gardener big …”.  But big what for goodness sake?  Nose?  Buffoon?  Oh wait.  Sigh.  Statistically it’s probably bum.


There are some word combinations that I can sort of understand leading to me.  Sort of.  “Stacy snake jim slip” is confusing but I do have a friend called Stacy, I have written about snakes and my partner is Jim.  But he doesn’t wear a slip (to my knowledge).  So I sort of understand (but not really).

Amur leopard

Amur leopard

I did post this photo of a critically endangered leopard and can see that “Amur leopard staring into extinction” might lead to the AG.  But “kidney leave a reply“, “why is my burd humming“, “toad lord” and “you now … sheesh“?  Why me?

Canada goose

Canada goose

Some are proclamations:  “i’m not an anorak, i’m a bird watcher(trust me pal, they are not mutually exclusive), “no trees are too high for me” (that’s nice, dear) and “I’m just a gardener” (nowt wrong with that).

Nerine bowdenii

Nerine bowdenii (I don’t have a photo of a soup flask)

Possibly the most curious search only appeared once and I longed for the background story but also wondered why on earth it was typed and not simply screamed across the neighbour’s hedge, whilst gesticulating madly. – “You can av that soup flask I left in your garden sucker“.

That told them.

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