On July 6th, Dan Savage asked sex worker Twitter for help with this question:
A lot of people answered, but most of the responses were quite short. Below I’ve reprinted mine and three others I found notable, but if you’re interested there are more in Dan’s own column on the question.
Me: Sending flowers or similar forms of approach would be a VERY bad idea. What he should do is search her stage name for a new ad; if there is one, he can attempt contact that way & see what happens. If he can’t locate an ad, he should just assume she’s retired and move on.
Savannah Sly: As a criminalized population, sex workers frequently change phone numbers, emails, etc. I would advise seeing if she’s advertising online anywhere, and reaching out by the means she outlines in her ad. I would not advise reaching out in person, or sending anything to her house. Also, sometimes sex workers ghost. Our jobs are stressful due to stigma and criminalization, our lives are complex. Sometimes we ghost without notice, because anxiety runs high in our community. Be patient, look online, be professional during outreach regardless of past intimacy. Lastly, sometimes we actually disappear. As in, violent crimes are committed against us. If you suspect this, I’d advise reaching out to sex worker groups in your area (or as close as you can find) to tell them you’re concerned. Then step back, and let the community ask around.
Mistress Matisse: OK just to be different: I’m going to go a different way from all the other advice has been given here. Now, all of the other advice IS very good advice and you will not go wrong by taking it. However, if you would like to make one attempt – and only one – to contact this lady, here is what you might do. Go to the store and buy a very generic “thinking of you” card. Or a blank one. Nothing romantic! Write in the card something like this: “Dear X, I see that we’ve fallen out of contact, and I just want to say goodbye and wish you well. I’ve always thought highly of you and enjoyed our time together. If you ever want to contact me again for any reason, please don’t hesitate, my number is…” NOTHING ELSE. Don’t say anything about sex, don’t say anything about money, don’t say anything about love, basically don’t say anything that would sound bad if read out loud in court. Do that and do nothing else. If she wants to get in touch with you, she will. One time and one time only. Or, take the safer route and follow the advice of my colleagues. Plenty of other ladies to meet and enjoy in the world. I’m sure that’s what she would want you to do, meet someone else.
Anjel: If she has an email or some other form of contact info, trying to send a feeler email out that way would be ok. But she has every right to end the business relationship without explanation. No one can know how damaging and intrusive getting flowers might feel to her. She honestly could have lost that phone number and lost all old contact info though. But if she wants her old clients to find her she would have given them another way to contact her. If there isn’t another way, accept that it’s over and be grateful for the experience.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
