Humor Magazine

Getting Out of Doing Dishes If You're a Guy

By Dailydoseofmusings @mythoughts4sure

If you're like me you absolutely hate doing the dishes. I'm not married nor do I have a live-in lady friend, so I don't have an automatic dishwasher. I do have a dishwasher (appliance), but since it's really only me and my youngest at times, I can't justify running the dishwasher (appliance) for just a few dishes, it would most likely take three-four days to fill it. (I am actually quite surprised at how many people still wash their dishes by hand verses dishwasher.)
Most of my good friends are married or have girlfriends and if I play my 'poor lonely me' card right, I get invite for dinners. If I turn on the charm and really play my cards right, I get take out/home packages too when I leave for the evening! Thus... no dishes.
Like myself, most of my close friends don't like doing dishes either and they will do just about anything to avoid them, including making up rather bizarre excuses to faking tummy aches because they ate too much because her cooking was so good.
Guys, trust me from experience, its not acceptable when your woman asks about getting a dishwasher you respond by saying "I thought I married one". This will not improve your life and you will most likely go without 'nookie' that night.
I have taught these step by step instructions to my close friends whose wife/girlfriend/significant other used to ask them to do dishes, but they do them no more. Men of the world unit! You want to get out of doing dishes, follow these steps:
1.  The first step begins when your wife/lady friend/significant other asks you to do the dishes. Jump up out of your chair and say "I got this Sweetheart!" while kissing her on her forehead. Be sure to thank her for the delicious meal!

2.  Now, make sure you put way too much soap in the sink so it bubbles over a bit this way your woman will assume that your making a mess because you're doing the dishes. Also, use moderately warm water and constantly complain while your doing the dishes that the water is too HOT for your sensitive hands. Look back at her, smile... blow her a kiss.
3.  Make sure you do a good job with your kids dishes cause you really don't want them using partially cleaned dishes. But when your doing the dishes that both you and your woman use, leave a few rice nuggets, or some cheese, something that indicates that you did a poor job on washing the dishes. 
4.  After you wash the dishes or partially wash the dishes, just place the dishes directly on the counter top without using any sort of towel to catch the dripping water. This may seem minor to us men but its a huge NO NO for women. (Pretend not to see the dish rack if there is one.)
5.  OK men, now it's time to put the damn dishes away. You may have lived in the house for as long as your woman has but pretend that its the first time you have ever entered the kitchen. Put the plates where the cups go, cups where the plates go, don't line up the Tupperware and just throw the cutlery wherever. I think you get the drift.
THIS IS A WARNING!!!! YOU WILL GET A TONGUE LASHING FROM YOUR WOMAN WHEN SHE SEE'S HOW YOU DID THE DISHES. The best defense for this is our best attribute, just act dumb. "What do you mean you sexy Goddess of mine?" "That doesn't go there?"

6.  The final step occurs the next time your woman says, I really don't want to do the dishes. Jump up from your seat and say " I Got This Babe". She is sure to say "Oh NO you wont, not after last time". Act hurt feelings, lower your head, try not to smile while you are secretly saying on the inside "mission accomplished!!!".
I can rest my head tonight knowing that I have contributed something to the well-being of men everywhere!

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