Photo: impaawards.comTHE LOVED ONES (2009)
Section of the cinematic cemetery: Pretty in Pink for torture porn addicts and homicidal daddy’s girls
Cause of (premature) death: While it got mega buzz from critics and festival-goers (it won the 2009 Midnight Madness People’s Choice Award at TIFF programme and maintains a 96% rating on Rotten Tomatoes), for some unknown but probably just prudish reason, this brutally awesome Australian film never got a mainstream North American release.
What its tombstone would read: Girl met brooding boy (from afar), asked him to the dance and, after he refused, kidnapped him, dressed him in a used tux, strapped him to a dining room chair and tried to drill (and slice and hammer) some sense into him.
Why it should be revived: Featuring candy-coloured satin dresses, crate paper streamers, carving knives and cannibalism, The Loved Ones pushes genre boundaries hard against its perverted pelvis and produces a beautiful bastard of a blast. Slow dancing between unadulterated teen fantasy, pitch black comedy and gore-heavy horror, this film has a little bit for everyone. (Well, everyone who can stomach watching someone get steaming hot water poured into a hole in their skull.) The villain (Lola, or “Princess” to her lurker dad) is a horrifyingly hilarious drug store glam monster. And the main setting—a makeshift trailer park living room prom—is a twisted teenage dream ripped straight from the pages of Tiger Beat Your BF to Death. This is what Carrie would have been like if she had licked the pig’s blood off her lips, tried to suck John Travolta off and then insisted on posing for pre-paid pictures.
