We're going to the circus tomorrow! I'm so excited! I haven't been to the circus since I was a kid. I have no idea what to expect, circus's are so different to what they used to be. I'm hoping it won't be too overwhelming for Chai. We're taking our sensory kit so hopefully he'll be able to enjoy himself.
I read all I can on neurodiverse children like Chai. Most of the neurodiverse adults really don't like parents who identify themselves as parents of neurodiverse children and they say that parents shouldn't complain that it's difficult to raise neurodiverse children as it makes the children feel bad. I see where they're coming from, but the fact is that it is difficult raising children who are different, whether they're neurodiverse, have learning difficulties or any other disabilities. It's tough, really tough and in a lot of ways it does define you. You can't do things like other families do. Take the circus. If it was just Eljay we'd book tickets and go. Simple. Taking Chai makes it totally different. We've had discussions with him about what it will be like, how noisy it will be, that it might smell funny. When I booked the tickets I talked to them about how noisy it would be, if we can leave easily, if we can get back in if we do need to leave for a little while and made sure we got aisle seats. Before we go we'll visit the venue so Chai can have a look around. We'll take ear plugs, headphones, music, fidget toys, a soft toy and other things that comfort him. We'll choose a seat with easy access to the door in case we need to leave quickly. During the show we'll constantly be checking on Chai to make sure he's not overwhelmed. It's a lot. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. Having to be hyper vigilant all the time is very tiring. Sometimes it feels like it's all too hard. There are things that we just don't do because I don't have the energy. I hate being like that.Some days I can't even sing because it upsets Chai. Every little noise could set him off.Those days are the worst. Chai can't eat at the dinner table with us unless he has noise cancelling headphones playing music to block out the sound of us eating. He usually sits at the bench whilst we sit at the table. I hate seeing him sitting there on his own.What is his future going to look like? Who will care for him when I'm gone? How will he cope with high school? He's so vulnerable and easily lead, he could get into so much trouble at high school. He desperately wants to fit in but he's one of those gorgeous kids who were meant to stand out. Parenting him is hard and getting harder. What's going to happen when the singing stops? When I'm not here to look after him and be his champion? When I can't shield him from the cruelties of the world? Will I have done enough to equip him to be able to take care of himself? Will the world all get too much for him and he'll decide to end things? I have so many fears for him. He's such a gentle soul and the world is so unkind. My greatest hope is that he'll find his people, he'll find his place and he'll be a happy, fulfilled man. That's what I want for him.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
