FFS Friday - Splatter

Hello! How are we all? Had a good week? This week it's been confirmed that my body hates me. It's either that, or it's helping me get to my goal weight by extreme purging. FFS.
I have gastro again. FFS.
It's the third time in six weeks. FFS.
The silver lining is that I've now reached my goal weight. Not FFS.
I would have preferred to get to my goal weight via other more pleasant methods, but beggars can't be choosers. FFS.
We've just spent the last six days in the city. We went up Friday to see the PILs, then weren't able to see them cause MIL was sick. FFS.
We had to stay up there cause we needed to see the PILs again on Tuesday, so it was a very long six days. FFS.
A few days in the city is fun, but after the third day we were all ready to come home. FFS.
FIL had to have an operation and we weren't sure that he would survive it. Thankfully he did. Not FFS.
Once we knew he was okay, we came home Wednesday morning. Not FFS.
Thursday morning we got a phone call saying that FIL had collapsed and been readmitted to hospital, so Tiger had to go back up there again. He's still there. FFS.
Whilst we were in the city Tiger got gastro. FFS.
Not good timing. FFS.
I stayed as far away from him as possible however I still caught it off him. FFS.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the entire time we were in the city I had a sinus infection. Fun times. FFS.
Our first night there we had trouble working out the washing machine so only had a bottom sheet on both beds. In the middle of the night Chai came in wanting me so I put him in bed, snuggled up with him and he spewed. FFS.
Then he got out of bed and went into the other room with Tiger, leaving me with my spew covered bed. FFS.
We didn't have any other sheets so all I could do was put a towel over it and go back to sleep. FFS.
Just so that I have all the bodily functions covered in one post, here is a really gross story for you. I'm a bit hesitant to post this, but I have no shame. 
So, I was on the loo doing my morning poo, things were going along as the usual, the kids were watching, Eljay was trying to put his hands in the toilet, Chai was tearing the bathroom apart, situation normal. 
Eljay was playing with my dressing gown cord and somehow managed to put it into the toilet. Before I'd flushed the toilet. FFS.
Without even thinking, I pulled it out. 
You know what's coming don't you?
Yep, it was covered in wee and poo. FFS.
So I'm standing there with my dressing gown cord, dripping in poo and wee, trying not to get any on Eljay. FFS.
Eljay is doing his best to grab it. FFS.
Chai is dry retching in the corner. FFS.
And I'm wondering wtf to do with the cord. FFS.
I decided the best option was to throw it into the bath. FFS.
Only problem was it was still attached to my dressing gown. FFS.
So it splattered wee and poo everywhere. FFS.
I ended up with a wee/poo trail from the toilet to the bath, all over the wall and all through the bath. Gross. FFS.
Aren't you glad you aren't me?
That concludes my weekly whinge. If you've had any FFS worthy moments, please tell me all about them in the comments so I can laugh at you/commiserate with you. If you'd like to read more whinges, head over to Sarah's blog.