FFS Friday - Random

I don't have a whole lot to whinge about today, so instead I'm bringing you an assortment of random stuff.
Crap the school wants me to believe:
I can't teach the boys myself.
School is essential.
It's normal for kids to cry for hours at school.
Children have to go to school.
Kids should be happy to learn about things they aren't interested in. 
Allowing children to be comfortable is a reward and not a requirement.
Giving kids the tools they need to calm themselves down is a reward.
Children must follow class rules even if they are incapable of doing so.
Things I never thought I'd say as a parent:
Please get your nose off my boob.
Are you sniffing my boob?
Please stop sniffing my boob.
Don't sniff my boob!
GET YOUR NOSE OFF MY BOOB!
STOP SMELLING MY BOOB!!!!!
Why is there popcorn all over the dog?
We do not put fly spray on the dog!
Please stop licking me.
Do not put your penis into the watering can.
I'm not sure if gorillas have penises, the boy ones probably do.
Don't sniff my phone. 
Please stop sniffing me baby.
Get your tongue off my leg!
Eljay likes to ask questions that have no answer. Such as:
E: Mum, what's that?
M: It's a tree.
E: Why is it a tree Mum?
M: Because that's what it is
E: Why is it called a tree?
M: Because that's what someone decided to call it.
E: But why?
M: I have no idea darling. 
E: Why Mum?
M: FFS.
Have a wonderful weekend beautiful people.