We are supposed to be going to a wedding today. The first wedding we've been to for years. We were both really looking forward to it. As you might have guessed, we aren't going. FFS.
It's in a remote location, an hours drive away from our house and there aren't any children allowed. FFS.
Not even breastfeeding babies. FFS.
So we would have to book two hotel rooms, take someone with us and I would have to drive at least 15 minutes every time Eljay needed a feed. FFS.
I was hoping to go to the ceremony but there are no children allowed at the ceremony either. FFS.
I totally understand them deciding not to have children there, I'm just sorely disappointed that we don't get to see our friends get married. FFS.
It would have been nice to get all dressed up too. FFS.
Instead I'll be at home, covered in baby saliva and spew plus remnants of whatever food the children have been eating. FML. FFS.
Last Friday morning I decided to use a face mask. It was one I've used for ages, I'm onto my second tub of it and I've nearly finished the tub. I had an allergic reaction. FFS.
It felt fine the whole time I had it on, there was no stinging, no irritation or anything. When I took it off my skin started feeling really hot and sore and was very, very red. FFS.
Thankfully I had my EchoLife Lavender Calming Facial Mist which calmed things down within a few hours. Not FFS.
The PILS came down on Saturday. FFS.
They arrived at 5.30pm. FFS.
Tiger called to see where they were and MIL told him "we'll get there when we get there". No shit Sherlock. I thought perhaps they might arrive before they got here. FFS.
If I was lucky they would have arrived after they got here. FFS.
What a stupid saying. FFS.
MIL is full of stupid sayings. FFS.
I'm one of those annoying people who will answer the exact question that's asked even if I know that the person means something else. FFS.
Tiger is constantly saying me "would you like to get me ***" to which I usually answer no. FFS.
He still hasn't realised I do that. FFS.
Sunday morning I was making a coffee and MIL says "would you like to make me a coffee?" I was itching to say no. But I didn't. FFS.
It took all of my willpower not to say no. FFS.
She is sofa king annoying. FFS.
She's constantly telling me how to look after the kids and what to do. FFS.
Seriously, I am perfectly capable of looking after my children, I look after them all alone, unsupervised for half of the time and they are both alive and unharmed. FFS.
A little later hubby was saving a file to his computer and she pipes up with "Be careful you don't get scammed." FFS.
To which I responded "Oh for goodness sake, he's saving a file, you can't get scammed saving a file." FFS.
That afternoon Eljay was crawling around when she says in a panicked voice "Where's the bub?" I reply "Right here"
MIL "Oh, I couldn't see him"
Me "I could"
a few minutes later, in a panicked voice again "He's got something in his mouth"
Me "I know"
MIL "You need to get it out"
Me "No I don't"
MIL "He'll swallow it"
Me "No he won't"
MIL gets up and runs over to bub (who is right by my feet).
Me "Leave him alone, he's fine"
MIL "He's got something in his mouth"
Me "I know, he's fine"
then MIL realises that bub is chewing on a dummy.
MIL "Oh, it's a dummy. I didn't know what it was"
Me "I did, that's why I left him"
MIL "I thought you might not have seen"
Me "I look after both children on my own for half my life. I am perfectly capable. They are both still alive which proves that I know what I'm doing. I don't need you telling me how to look after my kids."
Monday morning we had a poo incident. FFS.
Chai didn't make it to the potty in time and poo'd lovely blue poo* all over the carpet and tiles. FFS.
MIL asked if she could help so I asked her to hold Eljay whilst I cleaned up Chai and the poo. She kept on putting Eljay down and telling me what to do. FFS.
Each time she would put Eljay down right next to the poo and he'd make a beeline for it. FFS.
Each time I asked her to pick up Eljay so that he didn't get into the poo. FFS.
This happened at least three times. So not helpful. FFS.
She was fussing around trying to tell me how to clean up poo so I ignored her, cleaned up Chai and the poo and got on with things. FFS.
After a few hours I realised that she was in a bad mood but I had no idea why, I just enjoyed the silence. Not FFS.
She barely spoke for the whole day, it was lovely. Not FFS.
Later that afternoon Tiger told me that she was upset because she'd wanted to help me clean up the poo. WTF! FFS.
Seriously? She wanted to clean up bright blue poo? You have to be kidding me! FFS.
Next time she's welcome to it! FFS.
I'll happily stand there holding Eljay whilst MIL cleans up crap. FFS.
Whilst we're on the subject of poo, let's talk toilet training. Chai has been toilet trained at home for months. Not FFS.
However, the second we go out he decides he can't be bothered and will wee himself, even if he's not wearing a nappy. FFS.
He does it on purpose, he even tells me when he's about to do it! FFS.
I've decided that I've had enough of buying nappies so he's wearing undies when we go out and I take a spare pair of undies and shorts with me. It hasn't fazed him one bit, he still just wee's in his pants. FFS.
Since Sarah changed the name of her blog to Move Fuel Love I've been waiting paitently for a new FFS Friday logo because it hasn't been in the posts where it usually is. Last week I noticed that it's been moved to the sidebar. I'm so observant. FFS.
That concludes my weekly whinge. If you'd like to read more whinges, head over to Sarah and Brads blog and have a good laugh at the misfortune of others. Go on, it'll make you feel good about the week you've had.
*For those of you who are wondering, Chai requested a blue birthday cake with pink icing and that's what he got. I dsicovered that if you eat blue cake you have blue poo. I haven't eaten birthday cake for three days and I still have blue poo. I think my insides must be dyed blue. FFS.
