I don’t get doll collectors. I get dolls. My hair-plug Thumbelina was my second best friend until I was 8. And I get collectors. My level of commitment with my middle school frog collection was impressive for a couple of weeks. But when you put these two sensible and innocuous things together you inevitably end up with someone I cannot relate to at all.
I like dolls and all, but some of these ladies are just looking for an excuse to have 150 fake babies in the house.
I only knew one doll collector personally. She was my neighbor in New Jersey and every Christmas she would bring out about 500 baby dolls and arrange them all over the house. Her husband collected trains, so out they came, too. Their Christmas parties were not doll-train-y at all, in fact they were fun and a little boisterous and filled with music, spiced wine and chili. The dolls, dressed in bonnets and white lace, looked out of place after about the second glass of spiced wine.
I was preparing to write a blog post about my mom and the orphanage where she grew up, and in the way that the Internet works, I was quickly led to the website of a lady who makes realistic looking baby dolls. Just like everyone is six degrees from Kevin Bacon, every blog topic is three steps from crazy doll collectors. The first website I landed on was a lady who makes dolls that look like real babies, complete with neonatal acne, half-infected umbilical cords, newborn irked-at-the-universe expressions, wrinkly feet, and seeping eyes. Also pirate gear, fangs and comb-overs.
That’s right. Realistic baby doll makers, having exhausted all the fun things about making creepy looking things out of plastic, took the next inevitable step and started making the babies look like movie characters and elves.
They seem to have gotten bored with just plain newborn babies (although how that can be I do not know; the detail is incredible and babies are pretty jam-packed with skin conditions, crazy hair and cuteness. The potential is vast). But even so, some doll makers decided to make their infants into popular characters. The end result is Newborn Baby Jack Sparrow. Ten-week-old Bella and Edward. Tiny Little Harry Potter characters. Yep. Even Voldemort wore preemie diapers, it seems. Little 14-Pound Bilbo Baggins. And, inexplicably, a gorilla.
As if the regular babies aren’t creepy enough, dress them in age-inappropriate costumes, pointy ears and no pupils, and it’s beyond weird. It’s Honey Boo Boo Hoarders weird.
You really should see some of these regular realistic baby dolls, though. They are called reborn dolls or living dolls or unliving dolls. But not undead dolls. Don’t call them undead. Except “Reborn Gothic Art Dead Vampire Infant Doll with dead veining, hand painted/rooted hair, tiny fangs!” That little snookums you can call undead.
They really are works of art. From what I can gather, doll makers love to make them. And doll collectors love to buy them, because they look and feel just like the real enchilada. And also because some doll collectors are off-the-charts crazy.
One reborn doll collector said she likes to just hold them throughout the day because “holding babies is just so soothing.” Her husband, Gary, said, “It’s just one of the many things we don’t understand about women.”
Oh, Gary, tell me about it.
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Read more of Diane’s Just Humor Me columns here. Sign up for our weekly e-newsletter to get new blog post notifications. And if you like her blog, you’ll love her book, Home Sweet Homes: How Bundt Cakes, Bubble Wrap, and My Accent Helped Me Survive Nine Moves.
