Dummy’s Guide to Ending the World’s Worst Date Even If You Are Twelve Hours From Home

Step one - Get a date: Meet someone in a bar by drinking 14 Jaeger shots and then dancing by yourself in the middle of the utility closet sized dance floor. When the future date sends her friend over to tell you that she will dance with you because she has assumed that you want someone to dance with you and that you have been unable to secure your own dance partner thus far, do not correct the friend. Instead, look over the friend’s shoulder and ogle intended dance partner’s breasts. Respond with, “Sure, what the hell!” After dancing, make small talk over drinks and exchange phone numbers. After several phone conversations, make a date.
Step two - Get twelve hours from home: Let her try to impress you by the fact that she has gone online and figured out that if you serve as a volunteer in the Times Square Parade for New Year’s Eve 1999 , then you get to be on TV and receive a pass to allow you behind the police barricades. Say what the hell and agree to go with her. Pick her up at a mutual meeting point. Make sure she is late so that things get off to a bad start. Drive twelve hours to Newark, New Jersey and get a hotel room by the airport because everything in Manhattan has been booked for a year or more.
Step three – Make sure the date starts bad:  She should talk about herself incessantly. She should be overly concerned with her own appearance, especially her blond hair and big boobs. Imperative - make sure she makes the following statement: “Now don’t get upset when we get there if a lot of guys come up and talk to me because they have a tendency to do that. Besides we’re in New York and let’s just be friends while we’re here.”  Respond to her: “Ok, but by the same token, you don’t get upset either." Doubly imperative- she now must say: “Oh please, you didn’t have to say that just because I did.”
Step four – Make sure the date gets worse: She should wander off and leave you every chance she gets. She should shamelessly flirt with policemen so that she can move through the crowd and get closer to the Times Square ball when it drops. It is a must that she pretend she can’t hear you when you call her and that she puts as much space between the two of you as possible without losing sight of you so that the two of you cannot possibly share a 12:00 kiss. When she finally does return in about an hour and a half, she should start a fight by claiming that the no midnight kiss thing is somehow your fault. Make sure you walk off and leave her.
Step five – The beginning of the end: Find the closest bar, go in, and have a drink. Thank the cute, leggy brunette at the corner of the bar for the Captain & Coke. Insinuate yourself into her circle of friends and make use of the liquor and the New York New Year’s Eve atmosphere to rapidly escalate the discussion into an exchange of phone numbers and some deep kissing right there at the bar. Ignore your hell-date when she enters. Ignore your hell-date’s attempts to make you jealous. Openly laugh when the guy she tries to pick up moves to the other end of the bar. Agree to go with the cute, leggy brunette and her circle of friends to a jazz club. Tell your hell-date that since you are just friends, you are going to go with some new friends to the jazz club.
Step six – Down in flames: Walk at a brisk pace with your new drunken friends and ignore your hell-date who has followed you out. Ignore her pushing you in the back. Ignore her calling you names. Try to side step her when she stands in front of you. Grit your teeth when she smacks you. You do not want to spend the night in jail. Curse out loud when she smacks you again, but. When she smacks you a third time, suck down to the very bowels of hell and hock up the nastiest ball of phlegm you can produce in the frigid 2 a.m. air. Spit it in her face. When all hell breaks loose, tell the leggy, brunette that you will call her. Go put your hell-date on a southbound Greyhound. Pass out in Grand Central Station. Wake up and catch the train back to Jersey to retrieve your car. Drive to Atlantic City and spend the rest of your money so that you return home without a date or a penny to your name.