Pam S. recently asked this question on an old column:
I totally agree with you that a wife should take care of her husband’s needs, but I’m having some technical problems that I don’t know how to solve. I want to have sex for him even if I’m tired, but my body doesn’t cooperate – specifically, my vagina stays completely dry, which makes it quite painful. I can do oral, anal (with lubrication), or whatever else he dreams up, but he isn’t too happy about this indication that it’s “duty sex” – and I can’t seem to find my “on button”. Do you know of anything I can do about this?
I’ve always been on the dry side, and have carried a tube of lube in my purse since I was 16 just in case. Obviously, you must not have that problem when you’re excited, so your husband notices if you have to lube up; that’s not an issue I ever had, since I needed lube either way. That having been said, in my pre-commercial days I still found the experience a bit nicer if I could get into it; so when my first husband (Jack) would ask if I were in the mood and I wasn’t, I would reply, “No, but you go ahead and get started, and I’ll catch up.”
Now, if I couldn’t there wasn’t much way for him to tell, and that makes our situations a bit different, but I still think you can take a leaf from my book there. How do you think it would work with him if you were just honest? “Baby, I want to make love to you tonight, but I’m tired so my engine is cold; why don’t you help me warm it up first so I can get ready for you?” Something like that. Make sure you assure him that it’s not that you aren’t interested, but rather a physiological thing; most men do like foreplay anyway, so it’s likely he won’t consider that a hardship. Now, I’m assuming here that there is something he can do which will get you wet even when you are tired; if that isn’t the case there are two other options. The first one is, is there any fantasy you have which never fails to get you going? Because thinking about it while you’re getting ready for bed might put you in the mood and make you more physically receptive. If that doesn’t work, there’s the brute force approach: a vaginal moisturizer like Replens. It’s really intended for menopausal or perimenopausal women or those with issues due to medication or the like, but its non-hormonal so there’s no reason it shouldn’t work for you. It’s very long-lasting (the Replens brand lasts for three days), so he doesn’t even need to know you’re using it; if he hints at sex or you just suspect he’s going to want it, you could sneak off to the lavatory and use it, then even if it’s hours before the two of you are intimate you’ll be ready to go.
Do let me know if one of those solutions works for you; if not we’ll see if we can’t come up with something else!
