Not sure if you remember me, but I am the subject of your column “Deep Frustration“. I want thank you again for writing that response, I really did appreciate it. I had always intended to write back to you, so I hope I’m not asking to much for you to respond again. Over the past three years my ED has gone through sporadic improvements mainly due to living a more healthy lifestyle, proper diet, exercise, abstaining from alcohol etc. I relapse into my shitty habits again and again, and what little progress I make is undone, but I usually manage to claw my way back. I didn’t mention that I’m an alcoholic in my original email, but its interesting that during 2015 I went four months without alcohol and testicles literally grew in size, then I relapsed and they began to shrink again. My porn use has pretty much stayed the same; I’ve had several unsuccessful attempts to simply quit porn but I always relapse with really sick extreme porn. I recently went to an FBSM girl because my ED would prevent me from enjoying full service, but even that was a disaster; I spent most of the time staring at a spot on the ceiling, and every part of my body was tense and stiff…except for my penis! I felt sorry for the poor girl have to try engage with such a non cooperative person, but I simply could not be present. I really enjoyed looking at this woman’s pics in her advertisement, I even jacked myself off to them whilst imagining how great it would be, and when I actually get it I feel not one iota of lust. My number one sexual goal is total abstinence from porn and masturbation; I want to banish fantasy and live with both feet in reality. I’m confident that with enough time on Nofap I’ll be all the better for it. I want more experiences so I continue to learn the truth about myself, whatever than is and where it leads, rather than remaining steeped in the childish, delusional fantasy world of porn.
Oh yes, I remember; every time I’ve run across that column for one reason or another I’ve thought about you and wondered how your situation had developed. The extra information you’ve given me here helps me to give you a little more advice; I really hope you take it, because I don’t think your situation is in any way hopeless. First of all, you absolutely need to get off the booze; though it’s legal, alcohol is actually one of the hardest and most damaging of drugs, and heavy drinking has a host of negative effects of which your chronic “whiskey dick” condition is probably the least serious. You haven’t mentioned what you do for a living, and I don’t know what kind of health insurance you have; I suggest you research your local mental health resources, find out what programs you can afford and enroll without delay. Note that I said “resources”, plural; I don’t think drinking is your only problem, though it’s a major one. I’m not a mental health professional, but it seems obvious to me that your problems are more serious than you can solve alone; you need the help of a caring person who will listen to you without judging and help you get to the bottom of this. You wrote “I want…to learn the truth about myself, whatever than is and where it leads”, and I think that’s a great philosophy to have; a good therapist can help you to accomplish that. But remember, the therapist is only a guide; he can’t “fix” you or “cure” you, because you have to do that yourself. And let me tell you, it’s not a quest for the faint of heart; I can tell you from painful personal experience that it’s terrifying, humiliating and excruciating. But when you at last win through to the truth, it will be as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders; it won’t happen all at once, but once it starts you’ll know and you’ll be encouraged to continue through to the end.
I do want to address one thing in your letter directly, though; I can understand why you might want to quit watching porn, because you’ve developed a kind of love-hate relationship with it and that’s not healthy. The problem isn’t the porn itself, but rather your relationship with the porn, which you seem to be using as a barrier between you and some sexual issues you are uncomfortable with confronting directly. However, I honestly don’t think you need to stop masturbating; there’s nothing harmful about it, no matter what the “NoFap” cultists preach. If you’re uncomfortable with porn, stop watching it for now, but denying yourself the release of masturbation when you feel the need for it isn’t going to help you; it will simply increase your frustration, driving you back into fantasies you find distressing and perpetuating what has become a highly destructive cycle.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
