Dating After Divorce

The divorce is history, your new life is settling into a comfortable pattern and you feel pretty confident. Then it starts. Friends start asking, “Nu, have you gone out on a date yet?” “Seeing anyone?” “So tell me all about your new exciting life!” Oh yeah, men. No sooner have you started recovering from whatever it was that brought you to this new state of single, than you are forced to start thinking about the next step. If you didn’t divorce because of a man outside your marriage, then you are most likely going solo, working, raising children, paying bills, getting things fixed, trying to make order of it all, while constantly examining yourself, your choices, your priorities, your life.

If you were married for a short time, the return to the dating scene might be only slightly painful. If you were married for, oh let’s say…..25 years, then it is as shocking and confusing as jumping into a pool of freezing cold water. First of all you need to learn where this scene IS.

Today, it is basically on the Internet. Dating sites of all kinds are there with millions of men and women looking for a connection. Some sites are free and creating a profile is simple, taking only a few minutes of your time. You choose the most flattering photo you have, recent, not provocative, but intriguing. In no time at all you will have messages from all kinds of people.

You quickly become acquainted with the terminology. “Looks young for his age,” is code for “Still has hair.” “Open minded, liberal and spiritual,” means “interested in casual sex, preferably without condoms.” There is even a special code which means something like “I know how to listen, I really care, I am in touch with my feminine side, I am great in bed and know how to reciprocate, but false modesty keeps me from telling you all this so early in our relationship but I promise you will find out soon enough and then you will be eternally grateful for having the opportunity to know me.” Are these people really serious?

After some hesitation, some butterflies and some curiosity, you will go out on the “first date.” This date is especially significant since it is the first time you prepare yourself for that moment, you know, the one where you meet “him,” the lucky guy who you agreed to spend an evening with. The conversation will usually include, “Why I am single again,” “What I am looking for,” “The things I like to do,” and “My most embarrassing moments in online dating.” After several dates with people you meet online, you will be able to recite the above in your sleep.

At some point you will meet someone who seems genuinely nice, honest, someone you are attracted to mentally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. You will trust him, share intimate thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams with him. You might even bring him home to meet the family. This is a critical point in the relationship for you, since there has been nobody in your boudoir for a very long time.

Hopefully, the relationship will continue to develop, grow, improve and deepen, and like a tree, give fruits of joy, happiness, satisfaction and serenity.

Yeah. This is possible. Be optimistic. Sometimes you have to sift through tons of silt to find the gold. Just in case the sifting takes a while, read on. The following items are relevant to anyone dating, not only divorced women.

To avoid the various disasters I have experienced, as well as other disasters that I have managed to avoid, here are things to look for when starting one of these adventures:

1. Do not agree to be in contact with someone who calls from a restricted phone number. (Why would he need to be so secretive?)
2. Insist on knowing the person’s full name and address if you continue dating, especially if he knows yours. (It’s only fair!)
3. Be suspicious if the person gives various excuses for not being able to meet you in the evenings, especially Friday evening and Saturday. (Helloooooo, wake up girl, he is MARRIED!!).
4. Never, never, never, that means NEVER get involved financially with someone you are dating. Period. “Neither a borrower, nor a lender be.“
5. Be responsible for birth control and for safe sex. Be prepared, and never ever ever agree to unsafe sex. No kind, no way, no how.
6. If you want to say no, say no.
7. Remember, you made a huge change in your life in order to get to a better place. That means taking responsibility and steps that improve your situation and your feelings about you. It means respecting yourself and demanding respect from others. (If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s a duck. If your instincts tell you something is wrong, believe it.)
8. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Please feel free to add your thoughts and opinions.