Srsly. How ’bout you just get your hands outta my weave and sit yourself down. Laquifa got this.
Drag Queen? I thought they said Dry Clean. I’m just gonna stay cute a little bit longer.
Wait. What? Why is that camera all up in my face every time they talk about Drag Queen potential?
I didn’t think of Maddie even one time while that girl who’s not Maddie was dancing.
MmmHmm, Gurlz. This is how you give Vertes Realness. Don’t be jealous of my MomDance.
Hashtag: YouWish
Shut. Up. Duct tape? I thought wrapping my ankle was tough.
Cover Girl.
Put the bass in your walk.
Sickle Toe.
Make your whole body talk.
Walk. Now walk.
Oh, Honey. Let me tell you. They were sashaying down the Dance Moms Runway this week. Every one of them. Snapping and werking those fierce mail order wigs and questionable makeup choices like they were lip syncing for their ALDC lives.
Which is closer to the truth than you might think. Because everyone is replaceable, you know. Even during Drag Queen Week.
Fresh off 10 wins in 10 weeks, Abby Lee Miller and Co. were looking to make it 11 straight. Or not-so-straight, if you want to get the first RuPaul joke out of the way before we get to the Pyramid of Shame.
As everyone scooted in for this week’s leader board, tiny Fallon and her Mom Cheryl were noticeably MIA from the lineup. I’m not really sure if Fallon was cut after only one episode or had simply forgotten how to get into the studio through the front doors.
Because she literally forgot everything else last week. Am I right?
Ouch. Too soon?
In their place was not-quite-as-tiny Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie.
Dat’s rite. They’re baaaaaack!
Payton seemed to have recovered nicely from being attacked by that folding chair a few weeks ago. Her ankle was no longer in a boot and Mom didn’t have to carry her in on her back this time. So it looked like she had healed right up and was ready to go.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Mackenzie, Nia, Payton and Holly‘s first HollyFace of the week. (Spoiler Alert: If you’re pressed for time and want to fast forward your DVR to the good stuff, the face that Dr. Beyoncé unleashes on the bus is this week’s clear winner. And you’re welcome for this new screensaver.)
Mackenzie was stuck on the bottom because she hadn’t gone to the most recent competition. Nia, on the other hand, had gone but given too much Face in the group routine. After a short discussion it turned out that she had actually given just the right amount of Face. But the wrong Face. So clearly, you need to make sure you pick the right one going forward.
Payton finished up the trifecta thanks in part to all the drama during her last competition with the ALDC (…pre-Attack of the Chair…) when she had cried like a little Goo Goo Baby after Leslie accidentally gave her a Boo Boo Kitty while clipping in a cheer bow.
That girl needs to stop acting like a baby. I mean, like right now.
And I know from experience that the first thing I always do when someone tells me to stop acting like a baby is to start acting like a baby and run out the room in tears.
Because that’s what Payton did. And it worked about as well for her as it works for me.
Mom ran out after her. Then Abby walked out after Mom, because Abby doesn’t run unless the building is on fire.
A few minutes of hysteria and ugly crying later, everyone came back in to finish up the Pyramid. It’s only a one hour show, people, so let’s keep it moving. Chop chop.
Middle row went to Chloe and Maddie. Something about how one of them is home schooled and one isn’t. And I’m not judging. I’m just saying that if you go to public school you get fish sticks. I think the correct choice in that debate is pretty clear if you really weigh the tasty pros and cons.
Top of the Pyramid went to Kendall, which made Jill happy. Which in turn made me happy because Jill is still my MomCrush. Especially when she dresses up in crazy vests and throws stuff at people’s heads.
This week the gang was headed to a brand new competition. The World Class Talent Experience in Rockville, MD.
Chloe, Maddie and Mackenzie all scored solos. Ziegler vs. Ziegler in the first ever Monster Truck Pull Showdown Throw down. With poor Lukasiak now fighting for her spot in the shadow of not one…but two…Maddies.
Abby’s not-so-secret goal has always been to create an army of Maddies to overtake the dance world. We all know that. And what better place to start than with someone who already shares her Number One girl’s DNA and orthodontic issues?
For the competition this week, Mackenzie was going to be performing one of Maddie’s classic routines. In one of Maddie’s old costumes. Probably with Maddie’s old head if Abby could figure out a way to swap it out with the one that was already growing on Mackenzie’s shoulders before the weekend. Not gonna lie. It’s getting creepy up in here.
The group routine was going to be based on the hit Broadway Musical Kinky Boots.
Say Wha–? Did you just say Drag Queen Realness?
Everyone squealed in joy. Nia got so excited that she collapsed into a Death Drop complete with two snaps in a Z formation on the way down.
Laquifa is back, bitches.
As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls all got to werking it like they were girls pretending to be boys dressed up as girls all werking it at a club on Fire Island.
(I didn’t even understand that sentence and I wrote it. Don’t worry about it.)
Upstairs, Leslie somehow managed to pick up the conversation exactly where she had left off a month ago. She’s good like that, I guess, because she started right back in on Christi and Abby like she had just seen them last night. Same yelling. Different outfit.
More importantly, though, Dr. Beyoncé had a gigantic new water bottle. Which meant that she was either training for the Pittsburgh Marathon or had made a conscious decision to cut down on some of that caffeine. Nice to see that she’s finally getting that Starbucks monkey off her back. I don’t know how any of those Moms sleep at night with all the Cup o’ Joes they suck down up in that Perch.
Rehearsals chugged along like they always do with one day to go. I think Gianna had a cold or something. She kept coughing and her eyes looked like mine do when the pollen count gets too high.
Side note: Abby’s hair was completely whacked out at one point. Completely. Like she had just run through a lawn sprinkler before coming inside. Except that I know this was filmed in the winter, so I have no explanation for what was happening other than maybe she was just trying to channel Beyoncé in that new video. So we’re clear, I should probably point out that straddling a chair backwards in a wet body suit is a little different than sitting on a pile of gymnastic crash pads wearing sensible shoes.
Just something to ponder next time you’re Drunk In Love with some time to kill.
Cue the Drag Queens, please. And bring back my gurlzzzz.
Werk! Next thing you knew, the door to Studio A flew open and in sashayed Miss Lola and Blade, two of the fiercest Queens that Pittsburgh could afford to put in public transportation and send to the ALDC.
Miss Lola was all side swept hair and smokey eyes, clearly sent from the Heavens to show the girls how it’s supposed to be done. Blade was all ombre curls and 9 feet tall in heels, clearly sent from the Heavens to look at herself in the studio mirrors while Miss Lola did all the heavy lifting.
The Moms literally scrambled over each other in a pig pile to get downstairs.
Side note#2: Miss Lola commented that she definitely saw some Drag Queens in the making right before the cameras zoomed in on Jill’s face. That wasn’t awkward at all.
Lining everyone up on one side of the studio like she was picking teams for an impromptu game of Dodge (Your) Ball, Miss Lola attempted to show all the Moms and kiddos how to werk that runway like a Super Model.
Umm. Yeah. Nia nailed it like it was her day job. Been there. Done that. The rest of the girls kinda sorta figured it out, even though I saw most of them do the same dance at the Teen Choice Awards last year.
Dr. Beyoncé had it going on and looked like she might have been a hoot back in the days when she chaperoned all those school cafetorium dances. Leslie even managed to turn flagging a cab outside of Sam’s Club into her own version of Buying In Bulk Fierceness.
But Melissa? And Christi? And Jill? Oh my.
They might want to check out RuPaul’s youtube channel for a refresher. Asap.
Remember when Dorothy, The Scarecrow and The Tin Man all linked arms and criss crossed their legs down the yellow brick road? Or the psychedelicly groovy opening credits from The Monkees 1960′s television show?
Yeah. That totally happened. For a long time. And they need to promise to never do that again or I swear I’ll book a flight to Pittsburgh and give all three of them a soap opera slap.
Miss Lola also hooched up Payton so we could see what she would look like as a Drag Queen with a bad perm. I don’t remember asking, but maybe somebody else did.
Once the Queens sashayed away, it was back to cloning some more Maddies and finishing up rehearsals before hitting the road. We learned more about The MaddieFace vs. The MackenzieFace, as well as how much effort goes into making a boy look like a girl. Too much work, if you ask me. Or Mackenzie.
Then finally, it was Showtime!
And one more chance to pound #MaddieFace into Mackenzie’s brain. Because I guess people actually search that hashtag on Twitter. Probably not as often as they searched for #BobCostasPinkEye, but you know. A Face is a Face, right?
Maddie’s solo was a tap routine this week, which unfortunately gave me a flashback to the heavy walkers who used to live above me in my old apartment and negatively effected her scoring in my head. Nothing personal, but you try sleeping while a family of fourteen is doing shuffle step spank digs on a school night.
Mackenzie’s Tribute To Maddie routine was going well until somebody in the production booth decided to go Picture-In-Picture and slap the original version down in the corner so we could compare sister against sister like it was the Superbowl or something. I don’t know whose face Mackenzie was using by the end, but she seemed to have nailed it for her first Showdown.
Melissa even cried and stated that for a full 2 minutes she didn’t even think of Maddie one time. I knew I should have put the World Record people at Guinness on speed dial.
Side note#3: That skinny judge in the loud shirt with the buzz cut and sweaty forehead certainly caught me off guard. That’s all.
Side note #4: Were they doing makeup in the hallway or in a room or what was going on there? It was the oddest set up, complete with an ALDC banner and sheets hung everywhere like when your babysitter helps you make a fort at a trade show.
Laquifa sez What The–?
And speaking of. Sasha Nia had it going on with her Drag ‘do. Nice to see that Abby finally tossed the ’70′s sitcom afro for good. It was so fierce that Mom couldn’t stop patting it the whole time they were getting dressed.
Step away from the weave and nobody gets hurt, ma’am.
As for the rest of the girls, I’m not sure the other Moms actually read the email. Maddie looked like George Washington. Kendall looked like Kendall with new hair. Mackenzie looked like her lace front was going to knock her off the stage. Chloe looked like her Mom in one of those Dolly Parton wigs from the back of a magazine.
And Payton just scared the Beliebers outta me.
Did I forget to mention that most of the girls were wearing shiny silver Go Go boots all week? Like Lost In Space meets Laugh-In Go Go boots.
(Google it kids. You’re on your freakin’ phones all day. Do something productive while you’re walking into people on the sidewalk.)
Not gonna lie. Knowing the ALDC’s history with head gear mishaps, I was feeling a little anxious before they hit the spotlight. The dance had the potential to either be amazing or end up looking like the hair aisle in CVS where everyone is always screaming at each other over the last box of pink rollers.
Hold my purse and my weave, gurl. This shiz ’bout to get real.
But everything stayed where it was supposed to stay. It was laid, as they say. Mackenzie managed one of her signature hand stand walk arounds with out losing any tracks, even busting out a baby twerk when she landed back on her feet. Booty Booty e’rrywhere.
She’s still a patootie. Don’t you grow up too fast now, you hear?
When it was all over, the crowd had no idea what just happened. Everyone just kept looking at each other like they couldn’t decide whether to applaud or leave now and go directly to church.
Chloe pulled Third Place. Mackenzie and her original face pulled Second. And then #YoullNeverBeMeSoDontEvenTry pulled First Place. Again.
Even the group routine placed First, so I guess Maryland knows a good Crab and a good Queen when they crack one open.
And then Leslie and Melissa suddenly started screaming at each other out back for some reason. Pretty much right out of the blue. Because someone has to fight every week.
It’s in the rules, remember?
And this week it was Melissa’s turn to werk it. And to walk it.
Right out the damn door, Miss Thang.
Slam. Now slam.
