Grandma ’bout to go off on that little girl back there who’s tryna steal your pink bow/side pony look.
What? That noise? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of my hat being so awesome.
So you just spray the s*** out of it and then rat it all up? I’m totally trying this on my kids tonight.
First I lose the receipt for the doll. Then that crazy chick cuts all the hair off. What the–?
Look, honey. I had a baby while you were dancing…and she looks just like a tiny Priscilla Presley.
I swear to Gawd. These people. Not even that much common sense. Am I asking too much?
I don’t know who writes this thing, but I swear it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Hashtag: TotalCrap.
Today’s off-topic Dance Moms lesson: Geography.
Specifically, the states over on the right side of the map.
They are part of what is called the East Coast, which is generally defined as those states bordering the Atlantic Ocean, although Vermont does not actually touch water and only a very small part of Pennsylvania does. I mean, like very small.
Like I had to enlarge the Google Map five times just to see if I was being punk’d by Wikipedia. I swear, it’s the tiniest little piece of land evah that apparently meets the Delaware Bay way down at the bottom somewhere and probably maxxes out at 27 people on a good beach day.
But it counts as the Atlantic Ocean somehow. And that’s all that matters, because not only does it qualify Pennsylvania as an Eastern State by default, but it also makes the following East vs. West hip hop rivalry comparison almost make sense despite the excessive amount of time it took to actually get to the point.
Almost. The More You Know.
The Notorious B.I.G vs. 2Pac?
Forget it.
I’m talking the new East Coast vs. West Coast.
The ALDC vs. MDP, yo.
Abby Lee Miller vs. Erin Babbs.
With Ms. Miller and her team finally, kinda sorta relocated to Los Angeles in anticipation of what has thus far been only an imaginary unicorn named ALDCLA, the Moms and girls were already hunkered down at 3rd St. Dance bracing for their 3rd Straight Face-off with Erin’s Murrieta Dance Project as soon as the credits rolled.
As the girls all stretched out in some random room that I swear had giant bags of restaurant rice and a case of 16 oz party cups sticking out of the closet door (…did you see that? What was all that stuff behind Mackenzie‘s head?…) Maddie was still having trouble digesting the fact that she had come in second to her own sister at last week’s Center Stage competition in Anaheim.
Side note: Personally, I was still having trouble digesting the fact that every one of these girls is already shlepping around their own Louis bag when they still have baby teeth. But I digress. And it’s not like I want one for myself, because I don’t. I’m more of a Burberry Charcoal Check kind of guy, even though today I brought my lunch to work in a GNC bag.
But still. Duh. Louis Vuitton. Haters gonna hate hate hate.
Side note 2: That is also totally how I picture the fake Louis factories that make those knock-off bags they sell in Times Square, even though I have no proof whatsoever that they actually employ child laborers. But, c’mon. Tons of kids with no shoes on, crawling around the floor, surrounded by a million Louis Vuitton bags with the stuff all falling out of them. Go back and watch that scene again.
And then contact my lawyer if I’m lying.
The two little Ziegler SisterZ went a few rounds until Maddie grabbed Mackenzie by the base of her neck the same way Hulk Hogan used to do right before he slammed ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage‘s face into the corner post of the wrestling ring. I’m pretty sure she was about to bear hug the oxygen out of her lungs in the name of sisterly love until Abby broke it up for the Pyramid of Shame.
Saved by the Yell.
Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formally Known As Just Nia. The Middle tier was taken up by Kalani and Maddie, because Kalani had been just meh last week and Maddie had nearly shattered the Time Space Continuum by losing to somebody and then making a scrunchy face while she checked her Instagram likes.
Which left the top spot wide open for MackZ. Applause all around.
This week the gang was headed to Fierce Talent Competition in Calabasas, CA. But before Abby could even hand out solos, JoJo piped up and announced that her Grandma, who was battling Stage 4 colon cancer, was flying all the way to LA just to see her dance.
So could she, you know…get a solo? Not to be greedy, but because she loves her Grandma. And it could be the last time she gets to see her dance.
And because cancer sucks.
Needless to say, everyone got a little sniffly. Yes. Even Abby. Who got all like…
…and immediately gave JoJo with the BowBow a SoLo, no questions asked.
But then she got all like…
…and immediately kicked her out of the group routine so she could focus on that solo. So Cindy Lou…Who…knows how that lady thinks sometimes.
Kendall scored the remaining solo, which would be the one she was supposed to perform two week prior when Abby had no-showed with the no-costume. With an additional 14 days to rehearse, that thing better be perfect by now. Understood?
The group dance, entitled ‘Voices In My Head,’ would be led by Mackenzie even though it was supposed to have gone to Maddie. But Maddie lost last week. So there you go.
Let the punishment fit the crime.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference: The first one was very subtle, but by the middle of the show it was all about the SiaFace. And The MaddieFace. And even (…Spoiler Alert!…) The MackenzieWhateverFace.
As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms headed out to that mystery room with the satellite feed, we scooted over to join the MDP crew for an outdoor bootcamp class that was being held uncomfortably close to the edge of the LA Freeway.
Srsly. You see that? The Moms were literally watching it from the breakdown lane. One bad backward crab crawl and somebody could have ended up being the lead story on last night’s KTLA news. And they were on an incline fercryinoutloud. Does Lifetime not even have a legal department anymore?
Speaking of getting sued. The MDP group routine was going to be a full-on Abby-bash called ‘Monster Under The Bed’ that got all the girls diabolically giggling the minute Erin diabolically announced her diabolical plan.
Not gonna lie. Because they all have the exact same MDP hair and MDP face, it was a little spooky when they all started to MDP laugh at the same time.
MDP of the Corn. Google it.
Back at 3rd St., Abby was putting Mackenzie through the hoops with her group dance lead role. A little rough, but she threw her a bone once in awhile. In a backhanded compliment kind of way, she even acknowledged that “Your dance was very pretty…”
“…for you.”
Good thing a commercial came on after that one.
Side note: Except that it was the same kid in two different commercials. F’real. With two different sets of parents. Like my head isn’t already spinning during this show. Especially when tonight’s episode of Dance Moms was brought to you by Sea World, which made no sense at all. (Remember the vintage episode where Kelly Hyland called Abby ‘Shamu’ because she was wearing a black and white ensemble that looked like it came with a whale spout?)
I really don’t remember much after this point, so I’ll be making stuff up as we go.
The next stop was lunch with Jessalynn, JoJo and Grandma Cathy. Who. We. Love.
It was a short scene, but so positive and so full of SiwaLove that you couldn’t help but get a little misty. Grandma has the best attitude and best smile and by the time JoJo started to cry I may or may not have gotten some dust in my eyes that made me blink.
Really fast.
Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: Even when she’s talking about two kinds of cancer, chemo and waiting for a waitress who’s taking waaaaay too long to show up with the drinks, Jessalynn just gives me side cramps. I wish I could remember the exact day when she went from nut-job to stand-up, because she is a riot.
(Spoiler Alert: And quite a fashionista when it comes to accessories, I must say.)
Real quick: Erin gave some little MDP nugget named Caylie a solo and almost made her hyperventilate. Really.
And then Jessalynn put on her Big Girl Hat.
And made no sense whatsoever. Which made it even more awesome.
Even my MomCrush Jill was all like “WhatTheHell’sThatOnYou’reHeadGurl?” even though she only thought it and didn’t really say it out loud. But you could totally tell just by the way her hands were going everywhere. Her Bump-It even fell out half way through the scene she was so traumatized.
This whole show does, actually. Even though the kids can’t keep a hat on their head to save their lives during a performance, the Moms do love their dome decor.
Remember Engineer Jill? All aboard the Vertes Express. Toot Toot.
That wasted enough time that we need to skip right to the MDP again to catch up on their American Girl Abby Dance. Because that’s what it was now.
Erin had dropped by the Galleria and picked up one of those Revolutionary War dolls that the other Moms were pimping out into an Abby Lee Miller bouffant. As hilarious as that was, the really hilarious part was that Erin gave it to a Mom who looked exactly like the doll. Who was sitting next to another Mom who looked exactly like the first Mom who looked exactly like the doll.
Not gonna lie. I may have momentarily lost track of which one was actually getting their hair teased into one of those Jack It To Jesus poofs because there was so much activity going on behind the scenes.
And I’m being serious. I challenge you to tell me which one of these plucky brown-haired chicks comes with a Colonial dress and a comic book:
Back at the ALDCLA (…to nobody’s surprise…) Abby replaced Mackenzie as the lead in the group dance with Maddie at the very last minute. I guess a First Place Face still trumps a Second Place Dance when it comes to competition day.
Side note: The Moms had the same ‘Stick Up For Your Kids’ discussion with Melissa they had last week, so we can skip right over this latest one to save some time. Plus, you know how I go out of my way to avoid all the dramzzz that everyone else seems to love on Twitter.
Side note numero dos: Speaking of. How do these people have that much time to tweet and retweet and smack talk and talk smack about a television show when I can’t even get my recaps out on a timely basis? Don’t you have jobs? Or new grandkids? Or cable?
Here’s a thought: Hate the show? Change the channel. You’re welcome. I just saved you at least one hour a week. Think how productive you can be now.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Knowing that she couldn’t compete with Jessalynn’s Big Girl Hat this week (…I mean…who could, really? You see that thing?…) Mama V had been laying low until the bus pulled into Calabasas to unleash her new multi-colored, multi-striped MTV meets Get Your Hair Did With Your Kid Day meets I don’t know what Aerosmith hair in her confessional shot.
I heart Jill so hard. Rock on, bitches.
But like her new ‘do, I’m gonna need a week to process. Remind me next episode.
Now let’s wrap this bad boy up. Warp speed.
Erin showed up with a cluster of Welcoming Committee balloons right after Kira knocked over that fabric partition contraption that always hides all the bagels. No clue what Kalani’s mom was doing back there, but thankfully she still had her clothes on when the divider fell over or I’d be coughing up coins for Lifetime’s new Adult Pay-Per-View.
Abby had Maddie go out into the wings and pretend that she was warming up for a non-existent solo, just to make poor Caylie start hyperventilating for the second time in as many days. It worked, but I’m pretty sure Erin has some MDP-branded inhalers in her dance bag. Everything else had a logo on it.
JoJo did a great job on her solo, but didn’t place. But it didn’t matter. She danced for her Grandma and everybody cried.
Even Abby admitted that it wasn’t about winning.
It’s true. I had to rewind that part just to make sure I heard her correctly. She said it.
Kendall’s solo only scored Second Place, which would have been ok if she hadn’t been sitting on the choreography for two weeks. Abby was not happy.
Unfortunately, the MDP’s MonsterMash beat the ALDC (…is it legit “–LA” yet?…) in the group category for the second time in three competitions. And Abby hated that. A lot.
Naturally, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways like a bar brawl and everyone got overheated. Some MDP Mom had dropped an F-Bomb when Caylie wobbled in her solo and the ALDC Moms couldn’t stop talking about it.
Which led to something about how proud you must be of your MDP Mother.
Which led to some MDP Mom saying that Abby’s Mom must be so proud of her, too.
Which led to Abby pointing out that her Mom was dead.
Hashtag: Dead.
I got nothing after that.
Is it hot in here, or is it just California?
Lawd.
Doll down.
