Dance Moms: When Duet Drama Hits The ALDC, You Know It’s Nia To The Rescue. Here I Come To Save The Day!

Let’s be real. This stupid blog is good because of me and my kids, ok? Good luck next year, fool.

I’m just saying your mouth is full and my crackers are gone. It doesn’t take a PhD to figure it out, girl.

LaDuca? Umm…Wait. I know this. Gimme a minute. LaDuca. Can you use it in a sentence?

Siri: Call one of my lawyers, cuz if I see one more bra photo or bad hair gif on this blog, I swear…

I know, right? She pays good money for someone to make her hair look like that. I just can’t.

I should probably shred this since that guy from TMZ is still going through the dumpster out back.

See that one right there? That one’s gonna give me a heart attack or rash before it’s all over.

And….

Action!

Living On The Dance Fl—

I swear.

That’s how fast they got the Dance Moms party started this week.

I think the screaming may have actually begun before the credits even finished rolling.

As some Mystery Stylist wearing one of those pricey Lululemon yoga tops with the little holes in the sleeves for your thumbs worked on tangling up Abby Lee Miller‘s hair just a little more, the shizz was already hitting the fan within the first 5 seconds of this week’s episode.  Something was going down between Miss Abby and a nameless office assistant and it wasn’t pretty.

Pretty Loud?  Yes.  Pretty?  No.

Abby was screaming and trying to keep the producers out of that backroom/dorm room whateverthatis living space while they stood off-camera, getting subtitled like a drug bust was going down and refusing to budge.  She screamed.  They tried to stand their ground.

She screamed some more.  They stood their ground some more.

Side note:  When your subtitles end in exclamation points, than you know somebody means business.  We’re not leaving!!!!!  We’re not doing it!!!!!  Nope!!!!!

I don’t know if that assistant got fired or quit or what, but she tore outta Dodge like the building was on fire, pushing her way through a whole bunch of people who got busted on national television for doing nothing but standing around looking at each other and holding blue First Day of School Trapper Keepers.

Do they even sell those anymore or did I just make myself sound really old?  Because proper organization is key to a successful school year, kids.  FYI.

Regardless,  the assistant took off like a missile was aimed at her blurred-out head.

And like any good military maneuver…No Starbucks Left Behind.

Did she just steal a pen on her way out or is that her phone?

When all the dust settled, Abby finally made it into the studio, where all the Moms and kids were patiently waiting on the Pyramid of Shame.

Fashion note:  After last week’s successful Dark Denim Day, the Moms had smoothly transitioned into Black And Grey Day, inspired by my MomCrush Jill‘s superhero cape and her Storm from the X-Men leather thigh highs.  Bow Chicka Vertes, right?

 You go, Jill.
And don’t read anything creepy into this, but I would totally buy a Jill Vertes Action Hero Figure and display it proudly on my bookcase next to my Dr. Holly Doll with the interchangeable HollyFaces…which you can totally buy already but I’m not telling you where because I don’t want you to have one.

Side note:  No lie.  One time someone actually Googled “Dance Moms True Facts” and found this blog.  How is that even possible?

Needless to say, as soon as Ashlee found out that Abby’s assistant had taken her Starbucks and pen and hit the road, she immediately offered to help cover her hours at the front desk.  Which is actually a back desk now, I think.

Which segued nicely into an accusation that Melissa had butt kissed her way into Abby’s good graces over the last 6 seasons, which in turn made Melissa do this…

Wait.  What?

And then this and this…
I’d buy a Melissa Doll, too.

Ebay Spoiler Alert:  The price will probably escalate quickly on the secondary market after the Zieglers leave the show, so you might wanna scoop up a couple asap.  It will probably be a Limited Edition 3 pack and come with a bonus puppy that has a bow on its head.

After making it clear she had never kissed Abby’s butt…evah…the producers ran a 42 minute investigative #MelissaMontage that would have made CNN proud.

#ShadyBoots.  I see what you did there.

Look.  It’s the Original Recipe Abby.

What ever happened to that poor office girl?  You think she’s still in therapy?

And look at Kelly and Christi.  We love them.

We should have a Caption Contest for Christi’s face to win a dance bag full of Lifetime swag, even though I think we all know exactly what she was thinking right there.

Anyway.  The Pyramid.

Bottom Row:  Brynn, Kendall, Kalani…

…and Maddie.

I know.

Middle Row:  Nia Sioux and JoJo.

Which left Mackenzie on the Top!!!  Exclamation points.  Three of them.

This week, the gang was staying local and hitting up the Fierce Dance Competition just down the road.  The group routine was going to be a ‘Bitter Sweet Charity’ homage to Bob Fosse (…who Abby

 looooves …) that required the girls learn more mature choreography…and do it in heels.

Dat’s rite.  Just like the Big Girls.  Finally.

RIP:  Mouse and Bumble Bee costumes.  It was fun while it lasted.

Kendall and Kalani scored a ‘Grifters’ con-artist inspired duet, while Maddie and Brynn would perform the second duet of the week, ‘Together As One.’  I think you’ve already figured out how this thing’s gonna play out.

As the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms all hit the bleachers and dished about Kira wanting to stay home and feed her new baby instead of being in LA putting ice packs on her daughter’s aching back.

Poor Kalani.  Her back was KILLing her.

They also squeezed in some snark about Ashlee’s 10000% focus on Brynn’s career, making it sound as though she had left her two other sons back home with just a bowl of food on the kitchen floor like you do with your cat when you go on vacation.  But that’s not true.  And the two sons actually turned out to be a boy AND a girl, so there was a lot of misinformation going around town the last few weeks.

Melissa had just recently found out that the two boys were not actually two boys, but I’ll give Ashlee the benefit of the doubt and assume she already knew she had another daughter since they were really pig piling up on her at the end.

Not gonna lie.  It got a little uncomfortable when they started arguing about on-probation Brynn getting more opportunities than on-the-team Nia, because the whole world already knows I’m #TeamNia.  Or #NiaNation.  Or whatever the kids are calling it today.

Let’s be real.  I love her as much as I love hashtags that make no grammatical sense.

Haters:  Yeah.  #WhatSheSaid.

The next day, we found out that Ashlee had stayed late at the studio and woven the fabric for the girls’ costumes from cotton that she and her two non-sons grew in their backyard or something.  I dunno.  She never really said exactly what it was that she accomplished during her overnight shift, but it did give Jill the opportunity to offer up a power point presentation on LaDuca Dance Shoes, which are pretty well known in the Dance World.

LaDuca.  The Rolls Royce of Magic Dance Shoes.

Clearly, dancing in heels for the first time is a way bigger deal for dancers than it is for us non-dancers, even though I do recall wiping out a few times on my platform shoes at the Ground Round.  But that was because they used to let you throw peanut shells on the floor, thank you, not because I didn’t know how to lace up my my my my my boogie shoes.

Google it, kids.  KC & The Sunshine Band.  I don’t have the time or the energy.

LaDuca.  A soft soled, high heeled dance shoe.

LaDuca.  Because young ladies don’t dance in bare feet.  That’s just nasty.

LaDuca.  I’m pretty sure Jill even spelled it out at the end like this kid.

LaDuca.
I love Jill.  There.  I own it.

As Kalani and Kendall rehearsed their duet, it was clear that Kalani’s sore back was not going to miraculously cure itself before the weekend’s competition.  Which couldn’t have had anything to do with choreography that required Kendall to body slam her partner into the ground multiple times and then roll over her like she was laying down hot tar.

No.  Not at all.

Long story short:  Melissa’s legal guardianship-ness (…if that’s even a word…) kicked in and she reached out to Kira for the final decision on whether Kalani should risk paralysis or try to snatch that First Place trophy before both legs went numb.

Needless to say, Kira shut that thang down.  Which left Kendall awkwardly trying to do a duet that looked remarkably like a solo for now.

Side note:  Somewhere in all this mess, the Moms decided to take a walk and go film an Old Navy commercial.  Srsly.  I’m not even joking.

Dance Moms:

Old Navy Commercial:

If you can tell me which is which, I’ll give you that swag bag AND an action figure.

The walk also gave Ashlee some alone time with Rashlee, which is my new name for Abby.  Did you see her face?  Gross.

I mean, besides the fact that she looked exactly like Donald Trump, Abby was also suffering from some kind of viral sumthin sumthin that made me wish we could all go back to standard def television for a few weeks.

Am I lying?  Is that not the same face?

Look again.  And I don’t even have Photoshop on my computer.

America.

But what about that duet?

Yaaaay!!!  Nia and her sassy cheekbones to the rescue!
With less than 24 hours to go, The Artist Formerly Known As Sasha Nia took on the challenge and immediately got to work trying to sync up with Kendall while the rest of the team looked on.  Stressful, to say the least.  High hopes?   Well…

Finally, it was Showtime!

One:  Did that sign say “FREE Snacks” on the window?  Yes, please.  No wonder they go to these things every weekend.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Two:  Abby.

 What the what?

She walked in like…

…and everyone was all like…

I know you’re not supposed to apply makeup if your skin is irritated, but I’m pretty sure it’s still ok to try and get a comb through it, ma’am.  There’s kids in the room, fercryinoutloud.

Jill and Ashlee went another round or ten before the competition started, but I was so traumatized by the whole #AbbyHair thing that I forget what they were arguing about.  I could make it up, I suppose, but that’s really not my style.

Anyway.

Showtime.

Once again, we wasted so much time with the goofy stuff that there’s barely room for the actual performances.  You know how we do.

Nia and Kalani did as well as could be expected with no rehearsal time and enough pressure to turn a lump of coal into diamond studs.  Even though they only had a few flubs, Kalani was embarrassed, Nia cried and everyone argued about who let who down, even though nobody let anybody down.

I let you down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down Infinity.

Thankfully, they hugged it out before this thing turned into a 2 hour episode.

Side note:  I heart Holly so much when she makes everything all better.

Maddie and Brynn also had their share of on-stage bloopers when their music cut off.

Again?  Are you kidding me?

I guess all the money these places are losing by handing out free food every week cuts into the maintenance of their technical equipment, because the sound sure cuts out a lot on this show.  Or maybe it’s just me.

Side note:  I like the way Maddie ended the dance by pretending to bite Brynn in the neck and open up that artery that goes straight to her brain.

Check it out.  Brynn’s all like WTF?  We didn’t rehearse this part.

There’s only one Maddie, mmmkay?  Don’t make her Mom say it again.

Backstage, even Kendall got a little mouthy and accused Donald Trump of setting her and Nia up to fail in their duet.  Oh, snap.  Then everyone piled on Abby again for a couple of minutes before the group number hit the stage.

Which.  Was.  Awesome.  Sauce.

Bob Fosse would be proud.  They looked so grown-up and I felt so old.  It was awesome.

Kendall and Nia still eeeked out a Second Place spot, despite the goobers, which left room in the First Place slot for Maddie and Brynn.

And the ALDC group routine?  First time on heels calls for a First Place trophy!

Back in the makeup room, it all went down again one last time before the closing credits.

In this corner:  Ashlee vs. anyone who would listen.

Don’t talk about my kid.  Don’t talk about MY kid.  I’m not talking about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.  Over and over and over.

And over.

Until Melissa broke the fourth wall (…that’s TV Talk, BTW…it’s kinda my thing…) by declaring that “This show is good because of me and my kids, ok?  So just saying…”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Not the fourth wall!

Exclamation point.

This can’t be good.

And now she’s done?  Because that’s what she said before she left the room.

Just like that, Melissa was gone.

And it was over.  For now.

Uh oh.

To be continued…