Just letting you know they’re all talking crap about you…and they’re totes jealz of my new highlights.
I called for back-up an hour ago. I swear if Jimmy is outside screwing around on his Twitter again…
If that Hyland chick was still here she would’ve had this thing wrapped up before happy hour.
That bitch is just lucky I forgot my pants today or I would have totally kicked her a** hard.
Just saying we’ve been back one week and my damn hair’s already starting to curl. You really wanna do this?
What’s it gonna take to remind everyone that it’s still the International Year Of Nia? Some freakin’ crown on my head?
I ain’t running away. There’s still donuts in the lobby, but it looks like all you suckahs are taking the stairs. Peace.
Double your pleasure.
Double your fun.
It’s Two. Two. Two Dance Moms in one! Sorta.
That’s right. Abby Lee Miller & Co. is back to finish up the second half of the season. And once again, they brought enough people to fill at least two ALDC studios to capacity.
The New Team and their New Moms. The Original Recipe Team and their Original Recipe Moms. Choreographers. Camera Guys. Producers. Even (…Spoiler Alert…) a couple of Security Personnel and one dude who I believe was a Nightclub Bouncer.
I swear there were literally Moms and kids dropping down from open ceiling vents and crawling in through unlocked windows like ninjas. The ALDC was definitely maxxed out on crazy this week. Twice the Mamas. Twice the Mama Drama.
And easily four times the amount of hair product and blowouts.
With so much going on this week, Abby didn’t waste any time getting the party started.
As the New and Old all filed in for the first Pyramid of Shame since the break, some tweaks to the routine were already pretty obvious. Starting with the return of the stadium risers. Which is a fancy TV term for 2×4 planks painted black.
With so many bodies in the building, Abby had to do some rearranging. Moms on the top and their matching kids on the floor. Except for Holly. Wait. What?
Seriously. How tall is this woman, anyway? I’m going to assume that she didn’t want all that awesome new hair getting stuck to the ceiling tiles so she only paid for floor seats.
We love Dr. Beyoncé and whoever her sassy new stylist is, BTW.
Somebody at Lifetime also decided to blur out the makeup and backgrounds on all those Real Housewives of Pittsburgh talking head solo interview parts. It took me a few minutes before I realized that I wasn’t actually watching the show through a jar of vaseline, but now I’m cool with it because it kind of makes the Moms look like they’re in one of those glossy magazine perfume ads that you scratch and sniff at the Beauty Parlor.
And while we’re on the subject. I think I liked my MomCrush Jill‘s hair all blown back like some Intern BoyToy was fanning her from off-camera.
Because you know she totally has one doing that. And he probably doesn’t even wear a shirt. Oh, yeah. Mama needs her Evian and her Bump-It. That’s what I’m talking about.
Christi didn’t appear to have a BoyToy nearby, but she did have nicknames for all the New Moms since she couldn’t remember any of their real names.
Jodi was DudMuffin. Loree was Boring Loree. (…Yeah. I don’t think Christi worked too hard on that one…) Tracey was Frumpelstiltskin. Jeanette was Count Stalkula.
Two Side Notes: Jeanette personally let me know via her lawyer that she does NOT shop at Forever 21. I stand corrected. I forget what teeny bopper skinny legging store she frequents, but it’s not Forever 21. And Two…I liked that vampire cereal when I was little. It made the milk turn chocolate.
Tami was What’sHerFace because Christi couldn’t remember her name and Tami couldn’t remember her own pants. More on that one a bit later.
And finally, New Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) was now and in the future to always be referred to as Christ-y.
That’s right. Like the baby in the manger. That one.
Who knew? Turns out that New Christy is very religious and proudly stands by her church’s (…Spoiler Alert: The Church of Whip Yo’ A***…) beliefs. It also turns out that I don’t really know if it’s supposed to be spelled “Christ-y” like ‘Lawd, She Was Acting All Christ-y Today At Choir Practice’ or “Christee” like a 7-11 Slurpee. So I’m just going to keep making up names as the season progresses and you’re all just going to have to deal.
It should probably also be noted that Kamryn was wearing another sparkly headband. I think that’s gonna end up being her thang.
You remember Kamryn. She’s the cutie who went on and on last time listing all the millions of awards and trophies that she had won until Abby finally cut her off and my DVR stopped recording. I have it from reliable inside sources that the Season 4 DVD box set will include a bonus disc that is nothing but Kamryn telling us how she cured polio and landed on the Moon with no oxygen mask.
We like her.
But back to business. Abby let everyone know that during the break she had spent the last two months going to rescue other dance studios that needed her help.
Awkward Pause.
Now I’m not telling anyone else how to do their job, but I’m thinking that maybe somebody in post-production might have wanted to bleep out that last little bit of dialog since Abby’s Studio Rescue only stayed on the air for about 90 minutes before it got replaced by whoknowswhat. Ouch. Too soon?
Maddie also got to pimp out her Sia “Chandelier” music video performance before the Pyramid was finally revealed. Which really wasn’t much of a triangle since it was everyone in one straight line with Chloe on the top. She came in First Place at their last performance. So you go, ChloeBird.
This week, both teams were headed to the Sheer Talent Competition in Wheeling, WV…which actually got a round of applause for some reason. I have to assume that it was for the Sheer Talent part and not the West Virginia part.
Both teams would be performing group routines. The newbies were taking it to church in honor of SlushPuppy Christee while the original girls would just be putting on their pajamas and having a Ouija Board sleepover. Because clearly what we need right now is yet another Girl Party, right?
Speaking of. Abby pointed out that MackZ was now the Universe’s #1 Pop Star, which may or may not have been news to Katy Perry…but, whatev. It got her a solo up against tiny Sarah H., who I really like even though she always shakes like those little dogs with no fur when they jump out of the bath tub.
There was also some major dramz over whether or not Abby had checked with the judges after the last competition to try and knock Chloe out of First Place and give the trophy to Kamryn, who would no doubt have put it up on the shelf next to her two Grammy’s and seven People’s Choice Awards.
Eleven minutes into the show and this chick is already making me feel inadequate.
First up in the MomPerch was the NewCrew, where The Loud Church Lady immediately got into it with everyone on the couch. I’m not really sure what happened, because I spent too much time trying to figure out what was going on with those new streaks in her hair.
They didn’t really look like she went to the Mall and got all her tips pulled through the cap. They kind of looked more like the ones you paint on yourself and then let cure on your head while you finish the laundry.
As soon as the Original Moms climbed up to the top to join them, ChristEIEIO began throwing everyone else under the bus and then the whole thing just got messy.
By the time both Christies finished barking at each other I was starting to wonder how many more episodes it would be before somebody goes completely Dynasty Moms and tosses one of the New Carringtons down those narrow carpeted stairs, leaving them all crumpled at the bottom with their legs straight up in the air like bunny ear antennas.
(I hope somebody out there just got that joke. One person even. I don’t ask for much.)
And then it just went from Crazy to the umpteenth power of Crazy.
It all started with the New Moms (…minus Christy…) huddled around the front desk talking shizz with Abby. They were (…hypothetically, of course…) trying to figure out how to replace little Sarah H. in the program when Mama Bear lumbered in and busted up the party.
I don’t even know what happened. Tami yelled at Christy. Christy yelled at Tami. Tami yelled some more. Christy said “Bite Me” which I don’t remember ever reading in any Bible verse in Sunday School, and then Tami just went bazoinkers.
I mean, like, off your meds bazoinkers.
She went for Christy. Went. For. Her. She even snatched the back of Tracey’s messy hair for no reason whatsoever and yanked it like she was on The Maury Show just to get past her and up into Christy’s face.
Then Christy acted not very Christ-y-ish and grabbed Tami’s throat right before some random guy in a striped Old Navy rugby showed up out of nowhere and started pushing them apart. It went from Crazy with a ‘C’ to straight up Krazy with a ‘K.’
The front desk got trashed. That wire grid display thingamabob even half fell off the wall right before my boy Director Jimmy swooped down like Superman and slapped a few bitches. (…Well, not really. But I’m still holding out hope for the premiere of Dynasty Moms. You know I’m onto something with this one, Bro. Hit me up on Twitter.)
The funniest part was that after all that commotion, the front desk didn’t look any different than it does on a normal day. Don’t they have anyone on staff with organizational skills?
Go to the Container Store fercryinoutloud. They’re having a great Back to School Sale.
By the time the fight was over, Christy had gone into Time Out in the stairwell, Tami had lost her pants and the rest of the New Moms climbed into one of those white Whole Foods delivery vans.
Seriously. Did you see Tami? Booty Booty E’rrywhere. I was just thanking the Good Christ-y that there was no “Juicy” logo bouncing around back there.
I’m pretty sure that is was also right about here when Holly’s hair started to show a slight curl at the ends. And, Gurrrl…you know what humidity and drama does to that weave. Brace yourselves, America. You might want to stock up on non-perishables and go to your Safe Room right now, because I have a feeling it’s coming soon.
Once the dust settled, the Original Moms started to do the math and realized that if the two smallest dancers on Abby’s new team were removed from the equation you’d end up with a teen category group that would no longer be up against the Original ALDC girls.
I see what you did there, Ms. Miller. And so do your Moms.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Out back in the makeup room, all the drama continued to come from the New Moms this week while the Original Ones quietly peered over their lightbulb mirrors like meerkats do right before they bite you in the neck and drag you back down the hole.
MackZ got her face all painted up like one of Celine‘s Cirque du Soleil dancers, but without the long putty nose. Christee didn’t like that either. I’m starting to realize that she doesn’t like much. Except yelling. She really seems to like yelling.
MackZ’s solo went really well. When she strutted off the stage all sassy and flapping her arms around it reminded me of when I wear new pants for the first time. Werk.
Tiny Sarah’s solo was good, but still a little too much Puppy Bath Day shaking for me. But I see potential. She just needs to practice and stay warm.
And then Holly’s hair ticked up another notch.
The New Team came out with these amazing Testify church dresses accessorized with some fancy hair bow/hat things that probably cost more than my cable bill right as the Old Team slumped out of the shadows wearing those flannel PJ sets that always come packed with a bonus pair of matching rubberized footies.
Uh Oh. Somebody with a PhD wasn’t liking it, mmkay?
Abby tried to justify it by stating that sometimes Life just isn’t fair and then followed it up with more classic ALDC ramblings, but I lost track of what was happening because the Original Christi suddenly bolted from her seat and jumped up on stage.
Really. I swear that was her. Because it was, right? Or maybe it was Chloe.
But how much did Chloe look like her Mom with all that dark eye goop and angry head snapping? I mean Whoa. Just. Whoa.
She looked amazing. I don’t know if it’s a skill set or Abby’s constant beat downs or both, but Chloe really shines when she gets handed these Come Over To The Dark Side kind of dances. She nailed it.
There were also two hip hop guys who carried the New Team’s church pew on and off stage and stuck around for some exposure. Hope their Moms remembered to hit ‘record.’
Then some kids won some stuff.
Sarah H. shivered her way up to Fourth Place. MackZ swiped First Place from both Sarah and Katy Perry again. The Old Team came in Second in the group routines. The New Team scored their second First Place trophy in a row.
And then Jill went off. And it was awesome.
The whole thing ended when Abby came out from what appeared to be one of those metallic Star Trek Holodeck elevators and pretended to kick Chloe and Christi in the butt.
Pretty immature and uncalled for, but it did give Holly a chance to frizz her ends just a little more before Maddie started to cry.
Oy vey, I tell you.
Dance Moms is soooo back.
