Don’t touch that dial or adjust your television set.
You’re not on the wrong channel.
The show formally known as Dance Moms was back again this week. Sorta.
Or as I like to call it…the second installment of the Candy Apples Variety Show was back again this week.
Due to the combination of somebody in the Lifetime back offices having some noticeably poor planning and organizational skills when it comes to juggling two different Abby Lee Miller show tapings, and someone else’s hot mess of an idea to blatantly cross promote the two shows as long as there’s leftover B-Roll, America was once again subjected to a full hour of commercials for Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
And the Ohio Department of Tourism, of course.
That should explain your confusion if you tuned in after the opening credits.
It probably also explains the slowdown in your internet speed, because not since that North by NorthWest Kardashian Baby popped out last week has the Twitterverse encountered such a firestorm of opinion.
If you were looking for…I don’t know…the actual Dance Moms this week, you came to the wrong place. This was Candy Apples territory. Again.
And all those little tweeny boppers who made the switch from Pretty Little Liars to Lifetime weren’t happy at all.
Now I’m all about good marketing and promoting your shiz so we all remember to reset our DVRs when Dance Moms finishes up the season. I get it.
My biggest concern is that by the time we get back to Pittsburgh and the ALDC, these kids who have been MIA for the majority of this month are probably going to have already graduated college and gotten jobs in summer stock theater somewhere.
What if they don’t even have braces anymore?
And don’t even get me started on two weeks without my girl Kristie Ray.
Not acceptable.
I expect a call from Lifetime explaining how they plan to make up for this error, and what I’m supposed to do with all these “I Heart Kristie” t-shirts I was planning to put up on eBay today. I even used glitter glue, fercryinoutloud.
Clearly I should just put her face on a milk carton and hope someone has seen her wandering the cold, lonely streets of PA looking for the ALDC cameras.
Don’t get me wrong. We love the conflict and hissy fits and water fights between Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and the Moms. But a full hour? Twice?
It was called Batman & Robin for a reason. Not The Penguin Show.
So according to my dedicated online research, which could potentially get me flagged as a creeper if anyone actually knew which chat rooms I checked up on after the show (…I used to read books, you know. Now I just make sure to delete my laptop history and go to bed…) it’s clear that the majority of you did some channel surfing during the episode.
And despite all the Moms, and one DadMom, being 2nd string this week…there were still a few chuckles. And you know I like the chuckles.
So I give you the Pittsburgh Quickie.
All the highlights that you may have missed while you were complaining online somewhere or checking in with that Spice Girl on America’s Got Talent.
And, yes…little Sophia Lucia was even spotted on AGT spinning around behind the curtains. How many more stages does that little kid really need to pee on before she marks her turf in all fifty states?
But I digress.
We’re here to catch up on Dance Moms in under 5 minutes.
As soon as we saw that Chaos Cathy had created a whole new agriculturally friendly Pyramid Video in Photoshop, we knew she meant business this week. Now she just needs to have all the kids get some new headshots so she doesn’t have to keep using those creepy Facebook selfies.
Cathy and Anthony Burrell continued to butt heads all week as they prepped for the Masters of Dance competition on local docal Columbus, Ohio. He was trying to take over as the new Candy Apple King and she wasn’t having it. Even his constant celebrity resumé name dropping didn’t phase Cathy. Or me.
Anthony also wanted the boys to do push ups without wetting themselves while the girls just stood around putting on makeup and talking about the lines at Sephora.
Or something like that.
Jalen’s Dad Rick called the MomCouch the “Kiss And Cry Room” which was slightly ironic, since he’s the only one who ever cries in there. Man Up, dude.
The highlight this week was pretty much Cathy and sluggish Vivi-Anne spending some quality bonding time categorizing the 4,000 bunny statues and bunny wreaths and bunny figurines and bunny KitchenAid appliances that Cathy had crammed into her home. Just. Whoa. Say NO to the bunny.
If those things ever came to life, it would be Planet of the Apes all over again.
Bunny Hoarders. Coming this Fall to Lifetime.
The group routine was a full-on ecstasy induced Klub Kid Studio 54 routine set to the music of scenester Malik So Chic.
Bitch, please.
If you were out of the room you also missed some headwear drama when Hadley‘s little neck couldn’t support the massive Lion King accessory that Anthony had chosen for her tribal duet with Nick #2. Who goes into a performance without a dress rehearsal?
Let’s be honest. I don’t even go to the mall without walking around my house once or twice to make sure I look good from all angles in the Food Court. Geez Louise.
Then some kids danced.
Amidst all the AUDC promos and sniplets of Maddie performing on the finale show, they even won some stuff.
I’m assuming that Mom Melissa must have been at Bloomingdales during the AUDC filming, because we never saw her face even once while Maddie rolled around on the floor in front of two fingered Richy Jackson and that Broadway Flashdance lady.
You remember Maddie, right? She used to be on Dance Moms?
Oh, snap. I went there.
And now you’re caught up.
I appears that after a quirky Oprah-looking Chatter Show next week we might finally get back to our normal drama filled hilarity at the ALDC. Keep your fingers crossed and save those tears for your pillow.
Yeah. I’m talking to you, Rick.
But until then, in the words of that trashy girl in high school…
Enjoy your quickie. The first one’s free.
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