I’m not telling y’all what to do, but if I were you I’d have a seat cuz Miss Maya ’bout to get real.
I swear if this kid gets ice cream on the back of my head after 2 hours of flat ironing, I’ll lose it.
That one over there is Sassy, the other one is either Snobby or Stretchy and I’m just plain Over It.
I even told them all I’d bring my own wardrobe. Nothing. Dancing With The Stars sucks.
How the f@*! did those little kids all get Louis Vuitton bags? Aren’t they like 5 years old?
I swear if this kid takes one more picture of my Poof Imma take it out and beat her with it.
If I were you, I’d be more worried about that guy creeping us from behind the wall back there.
I speak to all of you. And I say “I told you so, mmkay? Boom.”
Wait. What?
Nationals are coming up already?
No way. I had no idea.
That’s what Abby Lee Miller has been screaming about every 30 seconds for the last four episodes of Dance Moms? Nationals? Really? That’s where this Road leads?
I really need to start paying more attention. Or stop muting my television every time somebody starts yelling on this show. Because I almost missed the newsflash.
Nationals are coming.
But you probably already knew that, unless you’ve been living under a rock or down inside one of those massive ALDC parking lot potholes. And Nationals means that every little dancer needs to straighten their knees, point their toes and step up their game if they want to earn a spot at…you know…Nationals.
Because they’re coming.
It also means that every second counts when you’re on the Road to Nationals, so Abby didn’t waste any time getting right to the Pyramid of Shame as soon as we all finished Living On The Dance Floor.
And speaking of. When is Lifetime going to start pixelating out Kelly and her kids’ faces from the opening credits? Not that I don’t love seeing them every week (…hollah at my gurlz!…) but it always gets my hopes up thinking that this week there’s finally going to be some surprise visit from the Hyland legal team or something.
Plus, you tell me that every New Mom on the New Team isn’t back home scotch taping their own face over Kelly’s just to see what it would look like to finally have a full season contract on a national television show.
Because you know they totally do that. I would. Maybe I even did already.
I bet my girl Tami even cuts out inappropriately tiny paper shorts for the full effect, because it’s straight up Booty Booty E’rrywhere with that one, I tell you.
Tami. She’s crazy. But she’s a hoot.
Unfortunately, the Pyramid didn’t get started quite as quickly as Abby had hoped it would.
The girls were all MIA because the Original Recipe Moms needed a moment alone with Ms. Miller to discuss the events that had taken place backstage in the middle of last week’s competition.
You remember.
It was that whole White Board of Doom thing that lead to a heated discussion about Respect where we observed Holly get quantitatively analytical (…see what I did there?…) right before she stood up to Abby and almost broke Twitter.
Nike: Just Do It.
Crossing the Line: Don’t Do It. Ever. At least not with Dr. Beyoncé‘s kid.
There was also the whole DidTheyPullTheNumberOrNot? scandal over last week’s ALDC Pyromaniac Match Dance, which I’m going to leave to the chat rooms because I’m not touching that controversy with a ten foot fire hose.
Abby did say that it was her prerogative to pull the number, which didn’t seem to phase the Moms but did make that Bobby Brown song stick in my head for the rest of the night.
I don’t need permission. Google it, kids.
This week, New Team Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah were back in the hizzle after a short hiatus. Sarah Numero Dos.
This is the tall Sarah, not the little Sarah who can’t breath when you yell at her. This is the other Sarah, who I swear had enough metal orthodontics in her mouth for at least two people. Maybe she just has a bigger smile than I had back in my 7th grade retainer days, but I’m pretty sure she’s not getting through any TSA checkpoints until those things are pulled off with Craftsman pliers.
Side note: Somebody on this show needs to figure out how to make all the girls’ head shots look like a triangle again or just stop calling this stupid thing a Pyramid, because once again it was just a straight line of pictures and kudos for Maddie in the middle.
(Wasn’t that the name of a TV show?)
Kinda hard to rate your dancers when they…I don’t know…didn’t actually dance, I guess.
This week, Abby was excited to announce that everyone would be headed to Orlando, Florida for the Dance Kids USA Competition.
But NO swimming. NO sun. NO fun. Which is probably the exact opposite of how the tourism brochure would prefer someone describe the place.
Sarah scored an acrobatic ‘Sun Goddess’ solo. Kendall would also be going solo with a regifting of Maddie’s ‘Fool Me Once I Kissed A Boy And I Hated It’ dance from last week.
Same song. More pressure.
And to once again celebrate 2014 as the International Year of the Nia, Abby handed Sasha FierceFrazier a Maya Angelou solo piece. The same solo that Abby had dangled in front of Nia’s nose last week and then benched when that whole Holly thing got too loud. A moving tribute piece to Maya Angelou. With spoken words!
Which opened up that whole can o’ internet worms one mo’ time.
Once again, Nia was handed another ethnic piece. Yes, she was given another one of those LaQuifaSitInTheBackOfTheBusWerkItWhat? type of routines that always makes Mom grind her back teeth. But it’s also one of Nia’s strongest dance styles.
Girlfriend can definitely Werk. It.
And honestly, I’m not really in the mood to pay out my hard earned money just to watch Mackenzie stand around in a Bumble Bee costume reading Hallmark cards.
So Nia was clearly the first choice to pay tribute to Maya. But because Nia’s awesome.
That’s why. Not the other reason.
I think Holly knew it. And so did we.
As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls began rehearsing the ‘Seven Dancers’ group routine, which was based on some movie about ‘Seven Dwarfs.’
(I love when they’re legally prevented from saying the actual names of things. Awkward.)
Except that there were only six girls dancing. Which is less than seven. I hope one didn’t get stuck in a mine shaft or something. Because that would be sad.
Luckily, there were only six dwarfs until Even Newer-New Mom Kate and Kayleigh showed up. Whoever they were, they were on their way from who knows where to Pittsburgh. Lucky for Kate, she just happened to be sitting around the house watching her stories and packing a dance bag when Abby hit her up on her Sidekick at the last minute.
I know, right? Sassy.
Since there was still a little tension between Holly and Abby, choreographers Gianna and James Washington took charge of Nia’s solo. You could already tell it was going to be some good stuff. James looks like somebody but I can’t figure out who.
Christi and Chloe had to scoot out for a few because Chloe needed to get an MRI on her foot. In the movies, the Show Must Go On and you dance on crippled, bloody stubs until the curtain comes down and the crowd covers the stage in roses, but in the Real World you need to get that s*** checked out asap or you’ll be the only girl in junior high wearing those shoes you always see the Pope wearing when he knows he’ll be on his feet all day.
Abby wasn’t happy about them leaving, but Christi always puts her daughter first. Dance second. So there. Call my cell if you need me even though I won’t answer.
Side note: You know how much I hate the fake karaoke Made Famous by Madonna music they always have to use on these shows due to legal mumbo jumbo, right? Well imagine how much I hate fake karaoke Dwarf Whistling. Imagine it.
Seriously. Just stay down in that damn coal mine hole if that’s how you’re gonna sing the song. I’m not even kidding anymore. You’re ruining my childhood.
With one day to go, Kate and Kayleigh showed up. My MomCrush Jill pointed out that they must have driven all night in a snowstorm on an empty tank of gas with no heat just to get to the ALDC and dance a Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance, which may or may not have explained why Kayleigh’s Mom looked so tired.
D’oh. That was just mean. I apologize.
Apparently I won’t delete it. But at least I’ll apologize for it.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Mama’s getting her MallMojo back. From that bold tie-dye Pyramid ensemble to that orange florally silk thing (…was there even a bottom to that outfit? Oooh, Gurl. Ya nasty…) Kendall’s Mom was On. It. This. Week.
Love her. Are you listening to me Dancing With The Stars?
Make it happen, ABC, or I swear I’ll never GuyCry during The Bachelorette again.
Kendall’s solo rehearsal was looking good, even though she had the added pressure of duplicating Maddie’s solo while also trying not to get herself arrested for clearly stealing all of Kamryn Beck‘s glittery headbands when nobody was looking.
Totally saw that, honey. #BringBackTheKiaKamster.
Side note: Did someone think that they really needed to subtitle Kate saying ‘Hi’ when she showed up at the ALDC studio? Really? It’s not like she and Kayleigh just walked into the living room on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
Abby also had the girls introduce themselves with their Dwarf names. So there was that.
Basically, the next 40 minutes were the Old Moms picking on the New Moms and the New Mom picking on the Newer Mom. Rinse & Repeat.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Candy Apples time!
Waymin. Whaaa-? What is that Ohio lady doing down there?
Turns out that Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was coincidentally also in Florida working with Lady Killer Lucas Triana, so while our boy was off getting his hair gelled somewhere she and Mom Brigette hit up the Dance Kids competition to see if they could make Abby lose her nutty and snag some free swag in the lobby.
The short version: Cathy poked Abby with a stick every chance she got from the minute the ALDC arrived at the venue to when they left for the airport in a cab.
Cathy was relentless.
She was also hanging out with a guy who I swear used to play guitar for Prince.
Srsly. Did you see that dude tagging behind Cathy everywhere with his hair all shoved to one side? What the what? Some of Cathy’s fashion choices do appear to be circa 1999 now that you mention it, so…hmmm…
Side note: Louis Vuitton bags. Instead of Hello Kitty backpacks. That is all.
Sarah’s solo went fairly well, even though her lips looked like she ate a packet of Pop Rocks backstage right before the music started. And her nerves were a little shaky. But for one of her first major ALDC gig I didn’t think it went that badly.
And then Nia hit the stage. Hard.
She spoke to Maya Angelou and said ‘Goodbye’ for all of us. And then Maya Angelou spoke to me and said ‘Slap Yo Mama,’ because it was THAT good.
Kendall did just as good, too. It was a Maddie Dance, but she danced it like it was a Kendall Dance. Because…der…she’s Kendall. And that is just fine by me. And Jill.
Side note: I think the only thing Melissa actually said for the entire hour was something about how she recognized Kayleigh from the Open Call Auditions. Which would have been like picking out your favorite ant in an ant farm there were so many kids in the hotel ballroom that day, but maybe Melissa has a better memory than I do.
Her hair looked really nice this week.
Backstage, Kate was still sleepy, but she somehow managed to slam Sarah for her sloppy feet and some transitions which set up a short New vs. Newer cage match.
Then finally, at least according to the lawyers for the Walt Disney Company, seven dwarfs that were totally not Snow White‘s seven dwarfs hit the stage wearing hats that looked like those mesh bags ladies use to wash out their delicates after a long day of work.
I swear. On their heads, Hi Ho.
And Vivi-Anne was in the audience and the angels sang.
Until Cathy poked Abby again. Abby changed seats. Cathy talked through the entire routine. Brigette had a little Mean Girl thing going on, even though I know deep down she’s a sweetheart.
Peer Pressure: The More You Know, kids.
And then the Awards kicked in, after a slight delay to get Melissa back in her seat. Sit down, Mom. You’re drunk.
Sarah took Fourth Place. Kendall came in Second.
And, ahem…Miss Nia Frazier snatched that First Place trophy like a Boss.
And the crowd went wild.
Say it with me: First. Place.
#InternationalYearOfNia. Just saying.
Holly even put down her PhD long enough to have a total Dance Mom Spazz Attack in her seat. Proud ain’t the word, people. Insane is.
Even that Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance got First Place. So never say never.
And then the whole thing just turned into one big, poorly edited S***Show.
Abby booted Kate and Kayleigh out the door. And then Tracey, who had a little meltdown.
Tracey cried. Sarah stood there in her lingerie HatBag all like What’sHappening?
At some point Cathy and Brigette came into the makeup room and congratulated Abby on winning First Place with the stupidest dance routine in the history of dance routines.
And then, like any good 2am bar brawl, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways and sidewalks of Orlando as Abby went screeching after Cathy.
(I love the way Gianna always follows right by Abby’s side like she’s the one carrying the ALDC taser in her purse. She never says anything, she just hustles.)
Cathy and Brigette and that PrinceGuy got all caught up in the editing and were in front of everyone and then behind everyone and then outside having a cigarette and then back inside behind Abby so many times it messed with my focus.
And can we talk about that mysterious big guy who kept lurking behind the wall the entire time? Security? Bouncer? Janitor? Orlando Perv?
Maybe I watch too much CNN, but when someone keeps watching you all day but doesn’t want to be on camera, that always makes me wish I had Gianna’s pocketbook with me.
It was classic Abby. And that’s all that really mattered.
And now we’re one last step away from Nationals.
Because…you know…I hear they’re coming.
PS. Hashtag: You go, Nia. You just go.
