I know this crazy old lady is not trying to photobomb my selfie now that I got my hair just right.
Excuuuse me, Jill. Gawd forbid anyone else get to rock a cold shoulder top up in here, Hater.
Bitch, pleez.
Nice try, ladies. But we have a winner.
Hold still, Bow Bow. It’s gonna take me about five coats to cover up all these Hello Kitty tattoos.
Talk s*** about my kid again and I’ll drop your credit score so low you’ll never get a loan.*
You see this Side Eye, sweetie? It’s called My Single Just Dropped On iTunes Side Eye.
(* Allegedly, of course…)
They say you can’t go home again.
That’s what they say, you know. There’s even a country song about it.
But they’re wrong. Because you can. And the Dance Moms gang just did.
After a less than stellar showing during their recent cross country Brady Bunch road trip (…where, if I’m not mistaken, the original plan was for Abby Lee Miller to build an ALDC LA high-rise and takeover the West Coast Dance World, right?…) everyone was suddenly back home in Pennsylvania to regroup and get their shizzle together.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a complete disaster in Hollywood. But it’s not like the mayor of Pittsburgh gave them a Superbowl parade when they returned, either.
They won a few. And lost a few. And then lost a few more.
Let’s just say they brought back more Rodeo Drive cold shoulder tops than trophies.
Seriously. Was it just me or was every single person on this show exposing their shoulders this week? It literally gave me anxiety that I had missed a memo or something.
And shout-out to Kira for taking top prize with that white triple-cut cheese grater number, even though I feel the need to point out that I paid less for a 3pack of long-sleeved GAP tees that got snagged in the washing machine and came out looking exactly like that top.
But we love KG. Even if Bank of America doesn’t.
Ouch. Too soon?
Disclaimer: They’ll be a lot of credit fraud jokes this week. All in good fun, of course. And all alleged, until proven otherwise by the courts or some disgruntled Arizona Dance Mom.
My girl Sasha Nia and Mom Holly were the first to arrive back at the studio, accompanied by their own dramatic Survivor background music. I see what you did there, Lifetime.
Dr. Beyoncé was on Abby’s short list this week, along with Kira and whacky JoJo‘s even whackier Mom Jessalynn, thanks in part to their participation in the now infamously squeaky clean MattyB music video. Somewhere along the line, while attempting to teach their daughters a lesson in honoring commitments and actually reading what you are signing before you sign it, they had fallen out of Abby’s good graces. Go figure.
To make matters even worse, Holly was also still dealing with unresolved issues surrounding Nia’s recording studio work with Aubrey O’Day while the team was in Hollywood. Abby didn’t appreciate the fact that Holly had reached out to Aubrey and gotten Nia a pretty sweet deal on a new iTunes song that you can easily download right here if you have some cash laying around.
And while we’re on the subject, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I’m still the only one who doesn’t have Aubrey O’Day loaded into their speed dial, because I would totally be hitting that lady up on my Sidekick every day of the week until somehow actually came to my job and physically handed me a restraining order.
Anyway. I digress.
Back to Pittsburgh. And back to the Pyramid of Shame, where there were clearly more hidden photos than there were girls in the room. Could it be? Could Abby have finally received my headshots?
Not gonna lie. I may have set myself up for disappointment.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Feather Vests and Fur Coats. It was a good week.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was all about Maddie, JoJo, Nia and Kalani, with Kendall and MackZ just above them on the Middle Tier. And then Maddie was on the top.
Wait. What? There are two Maddies now? This show is crazy pants.
False alarm. There’s only one. Abby just stuck the same Maddie up there a second time because she couldn’t find the new TV Guide cover with Austin & Ally on it.
Because…you know. Go, Maddie. And Disney.
This week the gang was headed to the World-Class Talent Experience in Manahawkin, NJ. No idea where that town is…and no idea why some competitions consider 12 year olds to be teenagers when the word ‘teen’ is not even in the number.
But this one does for some reason. And now, according to my calculations, that meant Nia and Kalani just skewed (…and screwed, according to Abby…) the average age of the ALDC and the girls would have to perform in the Teen Category.
Now I get it…but I don’t get it, because unless she’s going to actually attempt to stunt their growth through cigarettes and liquor, all those girls will eventually grow up and not be allowed to compete in the Junior Pee Wee Division anymore.
That’s why the call it Growing Up. And personally, I’m not sure I even want to see some 67 year old woman with a bad hip doing backflips in a bumble bee costume.
So come on. Time marches on, people.
Kalani, Kendall and Nia all scored solos. Kendall’s was a sassy, bluesy mini-Liza with a Z jazz number, while Kalani and Nia’s dances were basically just musical bitch slaps across their own Mom’s faces.
Abby does like her subliminal messages.
Kalani’s solo was called “Pretty Little Liars” because “Sorry Lady But Your Maxxed Out Credit Card With The Three Digit Security Code Scratched Off And Missing Signature Is No Good Here” was too long for the space they give you in the printed program.
Trust me. Abby is gonna make certain this whole (…alleged, of course…) credit fraud thing dies a slow, painful death. Like when someone steals your purse and all your credit cards and you have to go renew your license in person at the DMV.
That slow.
You could already tell that Nia’s “The Golden Rule” number didn’t stand a chance, but I wasn’t too worried since you still buy her hot new iTunes single right here if you skimmed the first part of this hilarity and missed the link.
The group routine, ominously entitled “The Domino Effect,” was exactly what it sounded like: Pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less.
I know, right? Tell me that wouldn’t have been HIGH-sterical.
Unfortunately, tho, it was about real dominos. Like the game. With each one falling and tragically taking down the one next to it and then that one taking down the next one…etc.
Just like the Moms were doing to each other.
Trust me. It was much more dramatic the way Abby explained it. Much more.
Tick. Tick. And then Boom.
I could totally picture the guy who does Darth Vader‘s voice emotionally performing that little bit of script in some One Man Show. Not a dry eye in the place. Bravo!
As the girls began stretching it out downstairs and the Moms began punching it out upstairs, Lifetime decided to traumatize us all by running that damn Born In The Wild commercial again. The Baby in the Forest thing.
Blur it out all you want, guys. I still saw it.
So we can keep this thing moving, the gist of the remaining 45 minutes was Holly trying to make the other Moms in the MomPerch understand why she felt so unsupported in all of the decisions she made in Hollywood. Jill didn’t agree. At all.
Melissa, on the other hand, just sat there putting on hand lotion. She does that a lot.
And in an oddly Bizarro World/Opposite Land kind of moment, Jessalynn made the most sense out of anyone in the building. I swear.
Freaky.
All the Moms will go to the end of the Earth for their kids, but they clearly all have a different route programmed into their internal GPS to get them there. And it drives Holly Ka-Ray-Zee. All in Caps.
Basically, the whole thing quickly escalated into The Video Moms vs. The Submissive Moms, which sounds way more like a WWE Grudge Match or pay-per-view hotel porn then I originally intended it to sound now that I proofread the sentence.
But you get my drift.
Holly felt that the Moms who skipped out on the MattyB video were just butt kissing Abby’s newly slenderized badonkadonk. Jill claimed that she had Holly’s back. Holly felt she did not. Personally, I just liked the way My MomCrush Jill’s feather vest flapped all around when she got excited. It was like Sesame Street Live on Ice.
Which we should totally go see on our first date.
Side note: Do you think there’s a person in Lifetime’s post-production department whose only job is to find those awesome screen shots of Melissa looking all flustered and then edit them into every scene?
Because somebody has to be doing this. And I want that job so bad.
She always looks like she left the iron on at home or something. I love her so much.
And then Holly got up and left, probably because she knew they were about to run that Born In The Wild commercial for a second time. Take me with you. Please.
With one day to go before New Jersey, Holly returned, explaining that she had just needed to step away from all the madness yesterday for a Moment of Clarity. Which, coincidentally enough, just happens to be the name of her recently published book.
Which you can certainly buy right here if you have any babysitting money left over after downloading Nia’s new song right here.
Say what you want about them Frazier Girls…they know how to pimp it out.
Side note: You’ll have to tell me how Nia’s song is, because I’m saving all my cash for some new HollyHair, which should be available just in time for Holiday gift giving.
Love me them Frazier Girls.
Then the Moms had the same discussion they had the day before, but this time all in casual Back to School denim. Every one of them.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Did I mention that Abby cut Kalani from the group number? Because she did. Now the girls could dance in the Toddler Division again. And cutting Kira’s kid was a lot cheaper than buying cigarettes and liquor in another state. New Jersey sales tax is ridiculous.
Third Degree Burn Of The Day Award Goes To: Abby Lee Miller.
Kira: “The group routine is Kalani’s favorite dance.” Abby: “Good. She can watch it.”
Yeeouch. That’s gonna leave a mark.
Backstage, Abby scooted all the girls out of the room to scope out the venue, which gave all the Moms time to go another round or two. Kira didn’t feel it was necessary for her to confront Abby about cutting Kalani from the number, mainly because she was still too busy applying Neosporin to all that raw skin.
She couldn’t believe Jill wanted her to fight with Abby so badly. Jill couldn’t believe that Holly and Bizarro Jessalynn were suddenly BFFs. And I couldn’t believe how much crap was in that makeshift green room. Did you notice?
There was a calendar on every wall and enough Post-its and ‘stage manager’ placards to label every theater on 42nd Street. That place was a fire trap. And you know how I’m all about Safety First.
Well. Drama First. Safety Second.
Maybe Third, if you count Sarcasm. And being Snarky.
So, yeah. Fourth. Safety is always Fourth.
Side note: Abby wasn’t wearing any of her crazy a** plastic jewelry or her usual matchy matchy goodness. None of it.
JoJo even stood quietly in the corner doing her practice spins while Jessalynn pointed out that “Mom trumps Manager no matter what.” And then the Earth spun off its axis.
It truly was Bizarro World this week.
Kalani’s solo was amazeballs. Abby said she was flawless.
Kendall was totally mini-Liza. I called it.
And then Nia hit the stage and Abby didn’t even watch.
Disclaimer: In Abby’s defense (…did that sentence even just come out of my mouth?…) Abby immediately took to Twitter and blamed it on editing. I don’t think it would be the same person who does all of Melissa’s blank stares, so maybe they have somebody in charge of that one, too. Who knows. Keep in mind this show is also the show that thinks a 12 year old is a teenager. Which they’re not.
Because they’re like Tweens. Duh. OMG. Buh-tween this and that. Der.
I forgot to mention that Abby phutzed around on her cellphone the entire time Nia practiced her solo during the week, so it’s not like she would even know what she was looking at anyway. So whatever.
Side note: Did that crazy chick behind Kira have a One Direction iPhone case? Or was that 5SOS? Or some new Boy Band du jour? I can’t even tell the difference anymore.
Side note Numero Dos: Please tell me that wasn’t Rush Limbaugh behind Abby.
Backstage after the solos, the girls all got their groove on listening to Nia’s new song, which you can totally buy right here.
Side note Numero Tres: No. I’m not getting a cut in any iTunes profits. But I’m also not mailing back any checks that Holly wants to send me. Haters gonna hate.
By the time the girls were ready for the group number, we got to see some greasy lady have a baby on a pile of sticky oak leaves for the third time. Enough with this commercial.
Honestly, at this point I would rather have Freddie Krueger chase me through the backwoods with a chainsaw than come across all that jelly one more time. Just saying.
The Domino Effect was pretty slick AND was delivered in under 30 minutes, so I guess it was a Win/Win for everyone involved.
Kendall took Fifth Place with her solo. Kalani swiped her First Place trophy out of the judge’s hands faster than Kira can swipe a Visa through an ATM slot.
(That joke comes with an implied “allegedly, of course…” it just didn’t go with the flow.)
Poor Sasha Nia didn’t even place. But…you know. iTunes, suckahs.
Most importantly, the group routine scored First Place and it looked like the ALDC might be getting their mojo back. Kalani got to dress up in costume and go accept the award with the girls who actually danced the dance, even though Nia and JoJo had previously been banned from doing the exact same thing.
What happened to No Dancey=No Trophy?
Kira swore at Jill. Jill swore at Kira. And then it was over.
Time to drop a few babies in the woods.
For a full hour.
What’d you think of that new show, Kira?
