I’m looking at you with my It’s Been A Week And You Still Haven’t Downloaded My Single Side Eye.
Am I the only one who sees Godzilla busting through the wall behind me? What is this place?
OMG! It’s me again! It’s like I just follow the ALDC tour bus around and scream my brains out!!!
I said you’re falling out of your damn dress and the Candy Apples are gonna win the whole thing.
Don’t turn around, but how the hell did Vivi-Anne get that underwear model for a babysitter?
Girl, you do NOT want me to put my phone down and lift my leg up right here in the hallway.
Honestly, I just wanna take off these heels and have a beer that’s about this big right now.
Attention.
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me now?
Don’t make me get my bullhorn. Because I will.
No time for witty intros. The Candy Apples are back. And it’s a long one, so let’s do this.
Still trying to regroup after The Great Hollywood Divide, the Dance Moms gang headed into their second week back home with some snappy new Pittsburgh Galleria threads for the Moms and shiny leotards for the girls that were straight out of the Wizard of Oz.
Am I wrong? I don’t think so.
Let’s keep it real. When it comes to marketing her brand, Abby Lee Miller makes my head hurt. From what I can tell, the official ALDC colors are black and white and that hot pinkish whatever it is color. At least that’s what’s on all the banners and painted on the walls. And when they randomly choose to wear their track suits (…shouldn’t that be a requirement when you come off the bus?..) they’re made from the same color swatches.
So when the girls all bounced in for the Pyramid of Shame looking like they had just finished re-stuffing the Scarecrow down at the Emerald City Day Spa, I didn’t know what to think. Was it just me?
Buff Buff Here. Stuff Stuff Here.
I mean, even Abby’s newly down-sized, over-sized logo top was emerald green.
Don’t get me wrong. It was a nice color. Like those LLBean fleece zip-ups that everyone wears on Sunday at Whole Foods. And, honestly, it was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. But it confused me. Like if the New England Patriots suddenly came running out onto the field in new colors.
Which would be so wrong on so many levels.
Because. I mean. Red, White and Blue. You don’t mess with it.
‘Merica. We salute you. Now back to our story.
Bottom of the Pyramid was anchored down by Nia, Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and MackZ. The mezzanine level was home to Kendall and Maddie, which left just enough room at the top for Kalani.
Oh. And tiny Brynn Rumfallo was back in the lineup. She’s very excited to be here, thank you. She’s Abby’s latest recruit and looks exactly like the Tinker Bell cartoon you see on cups and plates about halfway down the girl aisle at Party City.
Which reminds me: Happy Birthday, Kendall! Everybody clapped and wondered why there was no cake. There should always be cake. Always. I hope this new and improved Abby Lee Miller doesn’t mean we’re cutting back on the pastries.
This week, the crew was headed to Wayne, NJ for another Sheer Talent competition.
Maddie and Brynn scored solos. Everyone clapped, but not as enthusiastically as they did when they thought there would be cake.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference: Maddie had a reputation now. Her Sia video was nominated for FOUR Grammys! Count ‘em…FOUR! We’re going to the Grammys!
Hilariously, Maddie was quick to point out that OMG she was “so not going to the Grammys WITH Abby,” which I assumed meant that she would be driving herself to the Staples Center. I didn’t realize she was old enough to have a license, but then again I’ve never actually seen any of the Ziegler’s birth certificates, so who knows.
But she’s not going with Abby, that’s fo’ sho.
The group routine was entitled ‘Dance In The Rain’ and was a typically subliminal Abby mash-up about waiting for meteorological (…and choreographical…) storms to pass.
Since MackZ (…yes, I believe she’s still on this show if I’m not mistaken…) and Nia had previously both won national titles in Las Vegas (…you go, Sasha! First One!…) part of their responsibilities as crown holders was to dig out their old Toddlers & Tiaras sashes and hand out trophies on stage this weekend. Exciting, right? How fun.
Upon hearing that news, Nia was quite excited. Who wouldn’t be? But apparently she was not excited enough to bust out a handstand into a backward somersault ending in a signature Death Drop followed by a Times Square balloon drop and a confetti popper, which irked Abby so much so that she got all up in Nia’s grill about her lack of enthusiasm.
What? Oh, sorry. I was too busy climbing the iTunes charts with my new single. What did you just say, Miss Abby? Snap. And another snap. In a ‘Z’ formation.
Srsly. Even when Nia is just looking both ways before crossing the street on her way to school, she has THE best Side Eye ever. The. Best.
And don’t forget to buy her single. Like right now. Right here.
Holly and I both finally blew a nutty with all this never ending NiaNeedling.
Enough. Enough.
And enough.
Insert random shots of Melissa nodding and agreeing and twitching a little here: _____.
Holly didn’t regret any of the decisions she made when the team was in California. Not the recording studio. Not the music video. And she shouldn’t. Because she did it for her daughter. And that’s what a Mom does.
Side note: If anyone is asking, that blowout haircut right up there is one of my favorite HollyLooks. I think she’s singing one of the songs from Dreamgirls, actually. And if you’re not asking, I just told you anyways.
As everyone got down to business, we scooted over to Ohio for a few minutes, to check in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples. Long time no see, folks.
This week, Cathy had lured choreographer Erin Babbs back up to Canton. Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave all the glitz and glamor of sunny Los Angeles and spend a week trapped in a dance studio that’s attached to a place that sells homemade turkey jerky via local cable access infomercials?
I miss Chloe. And her mini-Gaga Meat Dress. Those were good times.
Erin, who we last saw giving the ALDC a beatdown in Hollywood, appeared more than happy to bring her expensive sunglasses and fancy choreography to Ohio if it meant humiliating Abby Lee Miller one more time.
Side note: How much do we love Lady Killer Lucas Triana and those patootie Morales kids? So precocious. And how about all that Twitter drama with their respective Mamas?
Lawd. I can’t even.
Gurrrrrl…you just need to Google it, because if I get started we’ll never see the end of this episode. But trust me. It’s Hair Salon juicy, so pull up a dryer and let’s dish.
I love me some Lucas, except when he gets a little mouthy. Such a playa. He’s been my idol ever since the Dance Moms: Miami days when his head was too big for his body.
Remember when he swore at my boy Gavin and made him cry last season? That wasn’t cool. Not cool at all. Because Gavin’s my boy and he has one of the best WTF face I’ve ever seen. Who you callin’ a bitch, Bitch?
It was almost worth it just to see Mama Joanne Morales lose her nutty, though. Almost.
Lucas just needs to know when to adjust the dial, because MiamiCute isn’t always gonna fly once you hit puberty. Uncle Dan’s just trying to help, Cowboy. That’s all.
Spoiler Alert: The second trip back to Ohio wasn’t any better. Cathy felt Lucas was acting squirrelly. His Mom Brigette was starting to lose interest in the whole Ohio situation. And Joanne kept phutzing with her long bangs and buzzed side of her hairdo.
Full disclosure: I can’t remember the other two Moms’ names. My bad. I’m sure they’re very nice, but they were too scared to talk around Brigette and Joanne so they probably should have just gone next door and picked up some nice officially licensed Ohio Hickory Farms souvenirs while the kids were jumping around.
Jerky. The Canton gift that keeps on giving.
Back in PA, the girls were rehearsing their brains out while the Moms finished unpacking the rest of their emotional baggage from the Hollywood trip. Brynn’s Mom Ashlee was still blindly basking in the glow of the ALDC Honeymoon Phase, so he had no idea what to expect. Blissfully oblivious I think they call it.
My MomCrush Jill wanted Holly to clear the air with Abby (…good luck with that, BTW…) and JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was remarkably normal for the second week in a row.
Gotta admit. Jessalynn’s starting to grow on me faster than her daughter’s roots are coming in. She makes some really funny faces.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: On point again. Nothing too crazy this week. Her focus was clearly on setting up Kendall’s BDay party and planning a trip to Boston so we can go shopping. Hint: Macy’s is having another One Day Sale this weekend. With a preview day on Friday. And I’ve got a coupon. Just saying.
The Moms weren’t quite as divided as last week, but you could still cut the tension with a knife. If you wanted to pull it out of Holly’s back, I mean. Dr. Beyoncé still didn’t feel that the other ladies were behind her 100% and it’s a discussion that will clearly drag on for a few more weeks.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Side note: Busted.
We already know that Lifetime is notorious for recycling little snippets of video and going completely hot mess on their continuity if they find leftover B-Roll in a drawer. Don’t even get me started on that one. I watched last week’s Bring It! two times before I even realized that it was a new episode.
But this time? That same little hyper spaz girl with the hair bow going completely hyper spaz in her hair bow when the bus pulled up to the curb?
Busted.
Unless the lady behind her with the Canon SureShot is a math tutor and they legitimately pulled this peanut out of school so they can follow the ALDC bus around the country like two Aerosmith groupies, that’s the same footage from whenever that kid was on this show the first time going hyper spaz.
Granted, she is so freakin’ cute that I would be totally ok if they spliced her into every episode for the rest of the series (…it might actually make for some comic relief if she screamed every time Holly made a HollyFace…can you even imagine? I died a little just thinking about it…) but c’mon, people.
Side note Numero Dos: If you fire the person who did that editing, I would be more than happy to come work for Lifetime Television and get advance copies of each episode so I can go to bed earlier on Tuesday nights. Just thinking out loud. Hook a brother up, guys.
Did I forget to mention that Cathy came stomping into the venue with a bullhorn? Because she did. And it was loud. And childish. And loud. Very loud.
She also bullied some poor girl into taking an iPad selfie with her even though the poor thing was waiting for Abby to come around the corner.
Backstage, in a makeshift Green Room that was even crazier than last week’s makeshift Green Room (…this show is straight up visual overload for somebody like me…) Brigette dropped by to say Hi and then got busted by Cathy for fraternizing with The Enemy.
Somewhere around now was when Lucas rolled his eyes like he was Caroline Manzo on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two. You’re Garbage.
Maddie’s solo went like all the other Maddie solos. Abby was afraid that her training had suffered because she was jet setting around the country pimping out that Sia video and becoming the next Disney IT Girl, but she did just fine. Because she’s Maddie.
And she won First Place. Der.
Side note: What is Melissa always scribbling in those dance programs? It’s like she’s picking her favorite horse to Win, Place and Show or something. Anyone know?
Brynn’s solo was equally as well done. Since Abby specifically imported her from Neverland to become the New Maddie, it was imperative that she dress her in basically the same costume and dim the lights a little so nobody had a clue who was actually on stage. I think it worked.
For such a tiny little thing, Brynn has some crazy long flexible legs. She got Second.
Vivi-Anne sighting: I almost didin’t recognize her without ice cream. But there she was, all sniffly and fidgety with her new Calvin Klein model Manny. You see that dude? And you know how Abby likes her ManCandy. They totally edited out the part where Abby dropped her phone behind her seat and had to reach between his legs to find it before it started vibrating.
The phone, I mean. Don’t be nasty.
The ALDC group dance, despite the MaddieCam focusing on one dancer a little too much, was really well done. I swear these girls grow taller with every episode.
And then the Candy Apples hit the stage with one seriously whacked out edgy routine.
At first it kinda sorta reminded me of Asia Monet Ray‘s Wizard of Oz dance (…two references in one week? What are the chances?…) from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition when she wore 47 yards of black garbage bag and almost gave her Mom Kristy Ray an aneurysm. But then it kinda sorta reminded me of when they have to roll out that baseball field tarp during rain delays. I couldn’t decide.
Regardless of what I thought, it was basically 4 military parachutes’ worth of fireproof fabric turned into a dress that all the boys had to whip around like they were sending smoke signals to the cheap seats in the back of the auditorium.
Holly had to admit that it was pretty cool, even though all that flapping did mess up her hair a little. And you know how Mama is about her hair lately.
The ALDC won First Place, which meant that the CADC took Second.
Which meant that straight up chaos erupted in the hallway. No wonder someone had blocked the exit doors with the same folding metal grates you always see pulled down in front of liquor stores after they close for the night. You see that? Is that even Fire Code?
Brigette called out Cathy for…I dunno…being Cathy, I guess. Joanne got cranky. Jill screamed something about Tea and Crumpets and I wondered why the Queen of England would even be in Wayne, NJ at this time of year for a dance competition.
Jill stole Cathy’s bullhorn. Because of course. Plus, the only thing better than being loud and childish is to add grand larceny into the mix, right?
(In her defense, my MomCrush did admit that she wasn’t proud of her behavior. But…oh, well. Too late now, suckahs.)
Cathy fired Lucas from the Candy Apples. Brigitte told Lucas to go back in and quit, which kind of defeated the purpose of being fired in the first place if you really think about it. And then Lucas started mad trippin’ in the hallway by the lockers and suddenly morphed from Caroline Manzo into one of the beasts from VH1’s Bad Girls Club, whipping his iPhone around and screaming about how they all treat him like crap.
MmmHmmm. I hear dat, girlfriend. Shoot.
I think he even gave Gavin a wedgie and then shoved him in a locker if I’m not mistaken.
That poor GDawg can’t cut a break lately.
In all the excitement, Kira realized that her clingy dress had hiked up too far, but luckily recovered just in time before anyone had to splice in that little girl screaming again.
You catch that? Yikes.
Then it was over. I can’t remember if Melissa actually spoke this week. I know Holly just needed a break after the last few episodes. Can you blame her?
Abby was laughing and having the time of her life as the credits started to roll. It was almost creepy she was so happy. She decided to keep the old Maddie and send the new one back home for who knows how long. Don’t fret, though. Nobody ever seems to go away for good on this show.
We even got a quick glimpse of the kids actually being…just kids…as they snatched the bullhorn and ran around backstage. It was cute.
Jersey was fun, but it was time to go home.
See ya next time.
Buh bye.
