…and I’m already missing 7 acrylic tips. They might be in my bra, but I can’t find that either.
Yaaaay! Maddie’s back! I better take a selfie so I remember how amazing my hair looked today.
With all the ALDC merchandise she’s selling online, I can’t believe nobody can get us 4 sippy cups.
All I know is that if I acted up like some of these ladies, I’d be in Time Out right now. They’re crazy.
They said hold it like this so I look like a Real Housewife, but I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying.
Honey, Imma need your Mama to back it up a few feet or you’re gonna do your own makeup.
You’re the lawyer…you tell me. How do I stop that blog kid from posting my bra picture again?
Ok.
No fancy intros this week. No time.
Let’s just get right down to Dance Moms bidnezz.
If Abby Lee Miller can barely even acknowledge the Pyramid of Shame this episode, then we can certainly skip right to the good stuff, too.
Like, ummm…maybe that backroom behind the new ALDCLA studios perhaps?
What the what?
As the opening credits finished rolling and the Moms and kids started piling into the building for this week’s assignments, Abby was nowhere to be found.
MIA. Again. At least in the clean part of the building, anyway.
Turns out she was just out back in her…whatever that place was supposed to be…talking on the phone to some mystery caller, surrounded by bubble wrap, Whole Foods bags, a fort made out of plastic storage bins and one of those little freshman dorm beds that never fit the sheets you used all through high school.
Eeeew. Part Hoarders: LA and part August Back-2-School Sale at the Container Store, the whole thing was just so…
I swear the only thing missing was Abby’s bra.
This one, probably.
And her hair was in rollers. And she was crying. And there was a grade school map of the whole world on the wall, for some reason.
And Abby Lee Miller was not wearing a bra, for those of you who missed it the first time.
No bra. No support system. Nothing. None. Zip. Nada.
As Abby finished up with her mystery caller, everyone else was out in the main studio welcoming Maddie back into their ranks. She was home! Fresh from her first movie role, Maddie had finally returned to the ALDCLA with Hollywood stories and celebrity gossip, an upcoming Seventeen Magazine photo shoot and what seemed like slightly darker hair.
But maybe that was just me.
Everyone was going nuts.
Especially my MomCrush Jill, who kept flipping her new hair all around like this…
…while plotting how to send the Mini Moms into the backroom to deal with Abby.
Freshman Hazing: Dance Moms Style.
After hearing Abby scream, everyone knew she was on the property somewhere, so it was only fitting that the new Moms get tossed into the Lion’s Den to drag out the carcass.
Kerri (…who still insists on pronouncing her daughter Peyton‘s name with that dramatic pause between PAY and TON…) headed into the bowels of the building with a few other Moms in search of their new leader, but squealed right back out as soon as she realized that Abby wasn’t wearing a bra.
Melissa and Jill didn’t do much better when they headed in after Abby, either. It was loud.
Really loud. Abby literally screamed at them so hard they almost knocked over that Makeup Lady we met last week, who was just trying to take her blood pressure medicine as they raced back to the safety of the front studio.
Needless to say, with all that adrenaline pumping, it was only a matter of mili-seconds before Jill and Brynn‘s Mom Ashlee went at it again. Just like last week.
Except that this time we only saw the back of Jill’s new hair while she was swearing and taking off out the back door with Melissa. Nobody had to blur out her mouth like they do on Mob Wives when they accuse each other of being passive-aggressive snitches.
You don’t mess with the (Vertes) Family, yo. You just don’t.
The screaming was short-lived, tho, because as soon as Jill and Melissa swung the back door open, they hit Sergio and James from Seventeen Magazine in the head (…knocking Sergio’s hat backwards, BTW…) who were both lurking in the alley behind the ALDCLA for some reason.
I didn’t ask. I’m not a photographer, so I don’t know how the creative process works.
Sergio was very excited to shoot Maddie for the February issue, as was James, who had decided they should come out to the studio two hours early and stand by the gas meters to figure out which other girls should be included in the photo spread.
Side note: You ever watch Vanderpump Rules on Bravo? That show where the restaurant staff spends more time in the back alley smoking cigarettes and talking smack about each other than they do actually serving food? It was like that.
Well, not the smoking part. Smoking is bad for you, kids. Just like fighting with Jill is…
Everyone went back inside to choose which two girls would be included in Maddie’s photo shoot. And it was as awesome as you’d imagine it would be when you pit a bunch of Dance Moms against each other for a spot in a national fashion magazine.
Holly made this #HollyFace and you already knew that Nia was guaranteed a spot.
She gets it from her Mama, don’t you know. Game over.
And You Can Quote Me Dept: Holly will be the new Oprah somebody.
Ashlee went on and on about how Brynn was a new dancer and model and astronaut and could name all the United States Presidents in both chronological order and alphabetically.
Congratulations!
Side note: Look at how cute Brynn is. What a niblet. No wonder she models. It’s like she just saw the Willy Wonka machine that turns rivers into Hershey’s ice cream syrup.
Before heading back out into the alley, Sergio and James unveiled the Pyramid, but they did it so fast that I never even saw it. Did you?
Did anybody? Not sure what that was all about. Maybe we’ll find out the results in the Director’s Cut DVD box set later this year.
I think I forgot to mention that Abby eventually found some undergarments and made her way out into the studio. Because she did.
This week, the group routine was entitled ‘The Elite.’ The new Minis would also be performing for the first time, with a number called ‘The Spotlight Is On Me.’
And Maddie and Brynn both scored solos.
Spoiler Alert: Competitive Moms, maybe?
And then Abby put on a QVC Quacker Factory Halloween top with glitter ghosts on it that said something about ‘Boos’ because I don’t know why.
This show. I swear. Season 7 or else…
Mmmkay?
As Melissa, Holly, Jill and their respective kids all headed to the Seventeen Magazine shoot, Jessalynn was left behind with nobody in the bleacher seats to talk to except Ashlee. So they had to talk to each other.
They discussed being a Team Player. Not being a Team Player. Who has issues. Who doesn’t have issues.
And then Ashlee said Jill was going through menopause.
As Jessalynn grabbed her cell phone to spread some juicy gossip, the other Moms were across town at the photo shoot having a blast.
Holly was busting at the seams with excitement and pride for Nia’s success. Jill was trying to push Kendall out of the makeup chair so she could slide right in and get contoured by a celebrity stylist.
And Melissa was trying to figure out the snacks on the craft services table.
Either way. Hilarious.
Remember when Melissa tried to use an iPad with those enormous French Tips back when they were all trying to find a man for Abby and went on some creepy dating site?
Or when she used to work the front desk at the ALDC in Pittsburgh?
I swear she’s gonna poke her own eye out some day if she’s not careful.
When Jill found out that the makeup guy had put lipstick on Victoria Beckham one time, she almost burst whatever that vein is in your neck that’s connected to the part of your brain that does anything logical.
True Fact: The guy in that picture at the top of this recap isn’t actually doing Kendall’s nails. He’s putting chloroform on that rag and was 30 seconds away from putting it over Jill’s mouth when security stepped in and made Mrs. Vertes go help Melissa get her juice box open.
I’m not even making that part up either. I swear.
I love this show. #NoShame.
Moral Of The Story: The shoot was awesome. The girls looked amazing. And the magazine is out now. So scoot to CVS tomorrow and pick up a copy or two.
And time for Abby to go Rogue.
Dat’s rite. Somewhere between the commercial for Pitch Slapped and those 9 year old Genius Kids who are already way nerdier and smarter than you’ll ever be, Abby Lee Miller disappeared for the rest of the episode. Again.
Vanished without a trace. No clues. No note. Not even a bra on the backroom floor.
A bra like this one, maybe.
I think she eventually sent somebody an email that she was resigning.
But I don’t think you can actually resign from your own company or Life, so I don’t think it really counts for much.
Full Disclosure: Clearly, we may have skipped over a few scenes because I wasted too much time making fun of Melissa’s nails and looking for just the right Justin Bieber hair whip (…like maybe when Jill said that Ashlee’s boob job was so tight that it was squishing brain…which made no sense whatsoever, BTW…) but you get the idea.
You might wanna check out a more reliable blog if you actually want a recap.
But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how great Gianna is with those little Minis. From rehearsals to backstage to probably taking them to tinkle when they’re already taped into a sparkly onesie, Gia is the perfect babysitter.
Maddie’s James Bond Gold Finger solo was great. Being in her first movie seemed to have stretched out her legs another 6 inches. Or maybe that was just me, again.
Brynn’s routine was also great. Plus she got a really nice pep talk from Kalani before she went on stage. You can tell that Kalani is all about her new Big Sister role now.
Backstage, on the other hand, things didn’t go as smoothly.
Jessalynn and Ashlee and Melissa and Jill went a few more rounds on whose kid was better than whose kid and then Ashlee started throwing out dance terms and asking if Maddie could even do a Scorpion sumthin sumthin after sumthin else.
Totally lost me on that part.
Q. Remember when the biggest issue on stage for these kids used to be whether they could all keep their hats on for 3 minutes?
(Shout Out to the Original Recipe Minis!)
Jessalynn was not having any of this by the time Ashlee started wailing on JoJo. Leave her kid out of this mess, please.
Here’s what Jessalynn looked like right before she got all ‘Someone Better Watch My Purse Because Imma ‘Bout To Take Off My Shoes And Hurt Somebody’:
The Minis did really well for their first evah ALDCLA dance. They looked like they had a really fun time and everyone seemed to remember the choreography.
I couldn’t find a good clip of their routine, so here’s me at the club last weekend:
But they nailed it.
After all the dust and glitter settled, Brynn took Fourth Place. Maddie only received enough points for Second Place. The Minis took home a Second Place trophy and some grape juice that Melissa swiped from the photo shoot when no one was looking.
And the ALDC Big Girls won First Place!!!
And then it was over.
After a few more round of Mom vs. Mom, I mean.
And then it was really over. I thought.
Until next week, that is, when Gianna said they were all dancing together. All of ’em.
Big and Little and Mini and anyone else who happens to drop by the ALDC Coral for a hoe down. You know there’s always parking in the front if you want to swing by and try to get in on the action.
And then Ashlee pulled one last AshleeMove and Melissa stormed off, dragging and clunking her luggage into the door frame like she did in Season One when she tried to carry all those trophies at once. Remember that?
But it’s really over now. I swear.
Go buy Seventeen Magazine.
See you next time!
