Oh hey, Girlfriend. Come on in. Just giving myself a keratin treatment and eating that big a** plate of Dunkin’ Donuts back there.
I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do? I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do? I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do?
Pardon me, Ma’am. Is this seat taken? I’d kinda like to see what it feels like to sit with winners for a change. You mind?
Excuse me all to Hell for not coughing up $1,000 for a damn dance class. These weaves ain’t cheap.
Bitch, please. I know synthetic when I see it. And the tag goes in the back. Lawd.
Seriously? Do you really have to pose in every outfit? I’m pretty sure everyone knows by now that you’re the Hot Mom.
Friends don’t let friends drink and drive. Or ugly cry in high definition.
Sound the alarm.
Release the bloodhounds.
And straighten your feet for crying out loud.
Nobody panic, but Pittsburgh is going on lockdown. The inmates are running the prison.
If you’re the kind of person who looks for the most bang from your buck, you definitely got your money’s worth this week. Dance Moms had pretty much everything that you love to hate about the show all stuffed into one jam packed hour. Mama Drama, tears, hilarity, hysteria, loads of sassy smack talk…and even a few moments of actual dancing.
The only thing they didn’t seem to have was anyone in charge.
That’s right. For the second week in a row, the ALDC bus was speeding downhill with no brakes and no driver as Abby Lee Miller remained mysteriously absent for the majority of the episode, appearing and disappearing into the shadows like some kind of plus sized Ninja warrior whenever the mood felt right.
The general consensus between all the Moms was that Abby had taken time off to be with her ailing mother, though there were lingering questions regarding a Starpower judging opportunity, some random party girl Instagram postings and that mysterious “Mandy” who kept answering Abby’s cell phone whenever they called.
So basically, no one had any idea what was going on.
Leave it to Melissa to get to the bottom of things. Before breakfast.
In what was clearly supposed to be a surprise drop-in visit over at Abby’s house (…“Melissa? Is that you? Oh, heeeeey”…) Maddie‘s Mom showed up unannounced to check in on Abby and find out what was really going on. Except that the camera guy clearly beat her to it and was already filming Abby piling up a mound of donuts by the time she got there.
Yeah. I’m thinking it wasn’t much of an unannounced drive-by unless the camera guy just happened to come over early to help Abby condition her hair. Some dudes are into that kind of thing I suppose.
And can we talk about how many donuts were on that plate?
Portion control, honey. You don’t want to slip into a diabetic coma and be found on the floor still wearing that blinged out towel head wrap.
I still can’t decide whether Abby reminded me of a fortune teller or the Head of that Witches Counsel they used to always show on Bewitched or one of those crazy Boca ladies who go out in their housecoats to get the mail and when you look through the open door you always see The Price Is Right on the television and about 15 cats.
There was a lot going on in that little kitchen.
Melissa pleaded her case to get Abby back to the studio before the upcoming Nationals, but she didn’t do very well. Abby wanted to be close to her mother and as far away as possible from Kelly and her two kids now that they had snuck back into the ALDC.
After getting confirmation that Maddie would (…naturally…) get a chance to dance at Nationals and then stuffing a few Bavarian Cremes in her purse, Melissa was on her way.
Back at the studio, choreographer Gianna was large and in charge for a second week and ready to bring home another win. She knew that the gang would be heading to Charleston, WV for another Masters of Dance Competition, but she didn’t know if Abby would be tagging along or not.
She also knew that Chloe was doing a solo this week, Asia was going to eat Mackenzie alive in a dueling divas duet and that the group routine was going to be amaze balls.
As the girls all got to rehearsing and the Moms headed upstairs, we scooted up to Ohio to check in with the Candy Apples and see what evil comic book plot Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was hatching this week.
That momentary spike in the Twitterverse that may or may not have slowed down your laptop right around this point was the return of Zack Torres.
That’s right, girls. You can start screaming now. It’s a full blown Zack Attack!
Now that Anthony Burrell had apparently separated himself from the Candy Apples and would no longer be forcing any more boys into inappropriate Pinocchio high kicks in Richard Simmons shorty shorts, the coast was clear for Zack to return.
And now that he was back, just the thought of Zack and Lady Killer Lucas Triana one-legging it together on stage pretty much gave Cathy the vapors. She may have even wet herself a little, but they only shot her from the waist up so I can’t be certain.
Chaos Cathy unveiled her Apple TV power point pyramid, which is always too hard for me to figure out since it kind of goes in an odd circle instead of just up and down like Abby’s Pyramid of Shame. All that really matters is that Lucas was on top of the apple tree and his Danny Zuko from Grease headshot pretty much always gives me life.
Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Cathy also called out Nicaya for not being as well trained as the other dancers and then we got to watch Mom Kaya get all hood rat about the high price of tap class.
Will someone please get this bitch her own show or do I have to post for some Kickstarter funding on my own? Seriously.
In my head, Kaya and Kristie Ray share an apartment like Laverne & Shirley and just go around the country smacking people around all day. Could you die?
I’ll let you know when my pilot gets the green light. It’s gonna be awesome sauce.
Cathy had seen on social media (…that’s what it’s called, you know…) that Chloe would be doing a solo in Charleston, so she was going to put Zack up against her on stage.
She claimed that Chloe was not as good a dancer as she used to be, which I assumed was a reference to her days of dancing in a dress made out of cold cuts and jerky meat.
It’s a shame to peak at such a young age.
Back in Pittsburgh, the Moms were once again voicing their concern that Abby should be on site helping them get ready for the end of the dance season and not hiding out God knows where.
Melissa’s selective memory also resurfaced as she got a little foggy on whether or not Abby had actually mentioned anything about Maddie getting a solo at Nationals.
Of course she did.
Somewhere around this point I also lost track of how many OhHellNo faces Holly had made thus far in the episode. I was really trying to count them because I had a good feeling that this week was going to break all the records and I thought there might be an online contest later, but Girlfriend was busting that shiz out so fast I couldn’t keep up.
Oh snap.
I’m pretty sure they also spliced in a bunch of old scenes between Christi and Kelly again, because everything they said about Abby and the kids we’ve already heard a million times. Even the fat jokes were last week’s fat jokes. Time for some new shtick.
Up in Ohio, that cow with the #20 ear tag was back stealing the opening scene as crazy faced Yvette tried to help Cathy with choreography.
And by ‘help’ I mean walking that fine Yvette line between assisting someone with a group number and actually climbing up a ladder and putting your own damn name on the outside of the building.
Dial it down a notch, sistah. The building’s not on fire.
Yvette also started bringing back her patented t-shirt catch phrases that first made her a star on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
Remember last year when she first unleashed her krazy on all of us and every sentence was nothing but “Dance for the Cause, NOT the Applause” or “Tap it don’t Slap it” or “Asia’s Mom’s a Total Bitch?”
Remember all that hilarity? Well…it’s back. So get used to it.
And you know what else was back?
The Abby-nator!
I know, right? About time.
Abby strolled into the ALDC like nothing had ever happened, bullied Paige and Brooke a little and then took a few Christi F-bombs right in the face.
There was a big argument regarding who broke the ALDC contract the most by swearing or not showing up or blah blah blah. They even pointed out that the ALDC legal paper mumbo jumbo said something about creating a ‘nourishing’ environment, which I think was supposed to have been ‘nurturing’ environment, unless there is an actual cafeteria on the premises.
That part got a little weird. Read the fine print, ladies.
Luckily, it was National Exposed Shoulder Week and all the Moms were rocking those cold shoulder tops that they make such a big deal about on QVC, so that distracted me from all the swearing.
I’m not lying. Go back and look at how many of the ladies were showing skin. And they were totally pissed that only my girl Kristie knew how to do it like they show in Cosmo.
Haters.
As both teams finished up rehearsals before the Big Day, it was clear that Hadley didn’t use enough sunscreen last weekend and that Asia was gonna turn Kenzie out like that fourth member of Destiny’s Child that nobody remembers.
Love you Mackadoodle, but you should probably just stick to clown noses and pigtails.
Finally, it was Showtime! And a CNN report on the bloody riots in the streets of Egypt.
Which turned out to be a false alarm, because it was actually just the ALDC and the CADC contingents coming face to face in a sign-holding, parking lot screaming match that looked like one of those housekeeper rallies gone bad.
When Kristie got accused of touching Cathy I died. Right there on my couch. I died.
I can’t even imagine sitting in the back seat with Kristie when she was little on long family vacation rides to the Grand Canyon.
I’m touching you. Quit it. I’m touching you. Quit it. Mom!
That Dilbert guy from Candy Apples didn’t stand a chance once those earrings got flapping and Kristie did her now infamous bad a** mime hands all up in his grill.
I’ll say it again. Once that ponytail starts whipping around it looks like the final battle scene from The X-Men. Let’s go!
Love. Her.
Ninja Abby no-showed, by the way. Go figure.
Inside, I don’t know if it was planned or not, but there was a space between the seats that allowed all of America to see Kristie’s fashion model legs. Like they used to do with Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight with that awkward crotch light.
It was a total NeNe Leakes shiny leg Watch What Happens Live moment. Dang, girl.
It should probably also be noted that poor Jill, on the other hand, was wearing a floor length maxi-dress with four rows of folding movie chairs in front of her. Just saying.
All the dancing was pretty good. Zack and Lucas had no shirt on again. I’m not sure if Lucas even owns one or if he just keeps forgetting his backpack in Miami.
Christi spent the remainder of the show screaming like some drunk chick at Mardi Gras trying to score plastic jewelry in exchange for a quick flash of her t***s. Really. She did.
Throw me some beads, Mister!
Out in the hallway all the Moms met up again, and somehow Mom Gina #2 made it sound like Cathy did all the choreography and inadvertently dissed Yvette in front of all the ALDC peeps.
Meltdown in 3…2…1…
Yvetter lost her nutty and got way too close to my television screen. Waaaaay too close.
When it was all said and done, Abby’s team won all the good stuff. Which, if you do the math, meant that the Candy Apples team didn’t.
More tears. More dramz.
With only a few weeks left until Nationals, there was still no Abby…and not much of a chance that anyone in Ohio needed to buy any bus tickets in the near future.
Candy Apples was in shambles and the ALDC was missing it’s Leader.
Now what?
Raise your hands if you can’t wait to find out what happens next week…
