Dance Moms Miami: Everyone Gets Pushed To The Edge Of The Dance Floor When The Circus Comes To Town. Susan Squawks, Abby Walks And Lucas Does His Mime In A Box.

You choose. Right or Left. Cuz one of them is about to slap your face, bitch.

She is so lucky I don’t feel like getting my butt up off this comfy couch.

Don’t you worry, baby. I’m crazy enough for both of us. Trust me.

I can’t believe nobody told me this wasn’t Abby Lee Miller’s studio.

I am just about to go all Miami Sound Machine Conga on her skinny a**.

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Children of all ages.

Step right up and witness the amazing Dance Moms: Miami Twisted Circus.

Three rings of Crazy, all for your viewing pleasure.

You’ll see Moms melting down, the World’s skinniest elementary school Mime and more questionably age inappropriate eye liner and makeup than you thought possible in one hour.

And you thought clowns were scary?

That’s right.  The circus came to town this week and plopped its tent right in the middle of the Stars Dance Studio parking lot.  Fresh off their trophy hogging trip to whatever the last competition was called, Victor and Angel already had their sights set on the upcoming Starbound Dance Competition down the street and around the corner in sunny Ft. Myers.

The last time around the dance crew had a pretty good showing, but they didn’t scarf up every single plaque and trophy on the back table.  So for Starbound everyone needed to ramp up their game.  And nothing says We’re Here To Wipe The Floor With The Rest Of You like a spooky Tim Burton number.

But before Victor could get into all the deets he had to bang out The List, because even if the studio springs a natural gas leak, nobody leaves until The List is revealed.

First on The List should have been an explanation as to why we are now in week #6 and they STILL can not find enough chairs for all the Moms to sit in during the big reveal.

Seriously.

If this is how it’s going to be, then I vote for just getting rid of all the chairs.  Lose ‘em.

Toss them in the dumpster or put them in storage for the Bob Fosse retrospective.  Make all the Moms stand up like that mean Abby Lee Miller does on her show.  It’s not like they aren’t all going to spend the rest of their studio time sitting down anyway.  After The List is done, the only time any of them get off their butts is to storm out the door in a DivaMom fit.  Am I wrong?

So get rid of them.  Thank you.

Lucas took the top spot on The List, thanks to last week’s high scoring duet with Mensa Girl Kimmy.  The little dude managed to channel his inner Luther and got down wid it in the romantic pairing which almost resulted in another notch on his tree house, if you know what I  mean.  He unleashed some serious Playah for a 9 year old.  He just cracks me up.

Since there is no such thing as a tie on The List, Kimmy was knocked to second place because she still needed to work on “letting go” and just being “in the dance.”  What she is missing in front teeth, Kimmy totally makes up for in technique and Spelling Bee awards.  But she still needs to just chill and enjoy The Dance.

Hovering helicopter Mom Ani immediately got a little on edge when  she heard that Victor wanted Kimmy to let go, because she likes her baby exactly the way she is right now.  If there was a way to stunt Kimmy’s growth that didn’t involve unfiltered cigarettes or reverse steroid shots, I’m almost certain that Ani would freeze-frame Kimmy at 9 years old and keep her in that pink bedroom forever.

After working this hard to formulate the perfect school girl specimen, the last thing Ani needs is to have Kimmy start letting go and risk  her finding out that most kids her age are still asleep at 4am.

Jessi was hanging out in the third spot.  Again, I thought it was because she insists on wearing those micro spandex tops every week, but turned out it was because she got beat in scores by the two 9 year olds.  Not cool, and Victor don’t play dat.

Sammy was in the fourth spot, mainly because I think they needed to make sure the last spot was left wide open for Hannah.

Poor Hannah.  She’s probably one of the most level headed people at that studio, and smart way beyond her years.  But she is saddled with her Mom Debi, who pops off anytime she thinks that someone is making a Fat joke.

I swear if one of the other Moms sunk underwater at the beach and didn’t resurface, Debi would assume the “blub blub blub” was a slam against her chubby kid and let the woman drown.  Especially if it was Abby.

But Hannah keeps plugging away each week, working hard at raising the level of her dancing and lowering the percentage of her carbs like a trooper.

Lucas and Kimmy each scored another solo thanks to their rankings on The List, which left Jessi, Sammy and Hannah in a trio.

Wait for it.  Wait for it…

BOOM!  The Susan Bomb goes off right on schedule.  I think it was actually the exact same time that it went off last week.  Pinpoint accuracy.

Coming dangerously close to blurting out that the fat kid and the slacker kid are going to bring her daughter Jessi down in the trio performance, Susan stormed out, leaving a jet stream trail of crazy smoke behind her as the door slammed shut.

After that overly dramatic performance, the boys laid down the law.  The next time roller coaster Susan walks out, Jessi needs to follow her and the two of them are more than welcome to enjoy the rest of their lives at a studio whose policies on maternal hissy fits are a little more lenient than those at Stars.

The Mom Room was buzzing about all the trio drama from the second they all hit the couch.  Debi and Brigette went another round or two in the never ending Lucas vs. Everybody Battle, and Abby got some serious eye rolling in right as Susan came back inside.  Debi got fed up and scooted to the lobby to read Cosmo with Mayra, while Susan got back up and pulled Jessi aside to unleash some more crazy on her daughter.

The group number was the aforementioned Twisted Circus, a dark music video kind of dance with black balloons that Jessi got to pop in such a suppressed and angry manner that I thought Susan’s face may have been doodled on the latex.

To get them all in the circus mood, Victor and Angel took the kids to Circus School, where they learned to jump and flip and twist themselves into human pretzels.

Jessi unleashed a little more of that suppressed anger by twisting herself around the Cirque du Soleil ceiling scarf as though it was her mother’s neck, while Lucas proved to everyone that he was indeed born with no spine.

Victor took center stage and tangled himself up in the hanging ring like he was a fierce diva parrot on a cage swing.  He said he was bringing circus realness, whatever that means, since every circus performance I’ve ever witnessed was solely based on the total opposite of realness.

Back at the studio, Angel was helping Kimmy with her solo.  I guess.

Since Angel is…umm…no longer in his dancing prime…shall we say, he seems to leave the actual dancing to Victor.  Instead, Angel chooses to wear snug shirts, scarves and little hats while giving each dance move a sound effect to distract us from the fact that he isn’t really dancing at all.

Boom! Pah! Pow! Whoo! Hah! Kpow!

Check it out.  It’s like the old 1960′s Batman TV show but with tighter outfits.

The trio number was based on women who hate each other.  If that sounded familiar, all you had to do was look through the glass into the Mom Room where they were all pointing and scratching each other’s eyes out while the girls were trying to rehearse.

Apparently the Moms have still not realized that the gigantic window is not a two way police mirror, and that the room is not sound proofed.

By the time Susan had blown Nutty #425 for the week, Hannah could hear everything through the glass and started to cry.  Victor scooped up the boom box and pushed all the kids outside to rehearse on hard concrete, while Angel Boom Pah Powed his way into the Mom Room to lay some smack down.  Much like his shirt, it just wasn’t pretty.

As the rehearsals dragged on, Abby was getting concerned that Sammy needed to get home and study for a test the next morning.  Say wha–?!

Yes.  That means the kids actually do go to school at some point during the day.  I would have totally lost that bet, since I’ve never seen one backpack or Trapper Keeper anywhere in that studio.

But turned out that Sammy isn’t a big fan of Kimmy’s sunrise homework rituals, so Abby wanted to go home.  When Angel got wind of such utter nonsense, he threw yet another Angel Spaz and sent everyone home to prove a point.

Since I’m not a dancer outside of los discotecas, I was a little surprised that none of the other Moms stood up for Abby.  Instead, they all slammed her for putting the entire competition in jeopardy and potentially sabotaging the trio.  The Dance comes first it seems, and they all stay in Dance Prison until it is perfection.  If that means the book report is late, so be it.

Did anyone ever ask Baryshnikov what he thought about the character and plot development in the second chapter of Catcher in the Rye?

No.  I didn’t think so.

Despite all the drama, everyone made it to Starbound in one piece.  Victor made his entrance in yet another tiny hat, Angel brought out yet another ManPurse delicately cradled in the nook of his arm, and Lucas rocked his signature Kanye West shades.

Seeing the Stars Grand Arrival is more fun than the competition itself.  There needs to be some kind of trophy for the pre-show, too.

Lucas did his solo with no shirt on again.  Beyond the fact that it’s a little creepy to be envious of a 9 year old’s six pack abs, the whole shirtless thing is played out.  You know that everyone in the auditorium is going to pick him up off the floor in a big bear hug at some point in the evening, so I would prefer his bare skin not be pressed up against every grown up in the joint.  I’m all set with that, thanks.

Kimmy had some timing issues with her solo, but she’s going to graduate with a 4.0 and someday own Microsoft, so who really cares.

Susan and Jessi went another couple of laps around the Crazy Track before the trio performance, which put additional pressure on the kids.

It should be noted that Jessi’s makeup barely budged when Mom made her cry like a baby.  She bawled, but that stuff didn’t move.

Memo to the FAA:  Whatever eyeliner it is that Miss Thing uses should be used to mark and track every black box on every plane that ever flies over a body of water.

In-de-structible.

The Twisted Circus number was twisted, and award winning.  Lucas was a Mime, and he actually made it into half a shirt.  Baby steps, I guess.

Sammy kinda sorta dropped Kimmy during a flip, but nobody could determine who was responsible.

The original blame fell on Kimmy, according to Sammy.  But then Lucas whispered that it wasn’t Kimmy’s fault.  And then there was so much backstage screaming and yelling that I lost track.

Abby stood up for Sammy, declaring her innocence, while everyone else blamed Sammy and pointed fingers like villagers storming Frankenstein’s Castle.

Then more screaming and crying as Abby stormed out the door.  There was a lot of that this week.

I’m not sure if anyone even asked if Kimmy’s head was ok.

It was a total circus, I tell you.