You can wear my feather vest for your little dance, sweetie, but I’ll need it back when you’re done.
I know, right? It’s 40 below and we’re out here wearing glitter tube tops. I swear this show is crazy!
Sitting here all afternoon made me hungry. I could sure go for some cake right about now.
I’m waaay smarter. But apparently nobody wants a Spelling Bee Champ to host stupid SNL.
I don’t care if it is Black & White Day. Mama paid good money for these brown boots, ‘kay?
So I told the lady at the Kelly Hyland Bakery Shop to just slap her damn face on a cake. Literally.
I don’t know about you, gurl, but Imma ’bout ready to cut a CD and blow this popsicle stand.
I certainly wouldn’t have had such a big lunch if I’d known they were gonna be serving tasty cake.
So much to do.
You know how it is right before you go on a big trip.
Between setting itineraries, packing up all your bling and coordinating transportation to the airport, there’s barely enough time to catch your breath, much less recreate the Closing Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics or pick on an innocent child’s floppy ears.
But somehow, Dance Moms managed to get it all done this week.
And still have time for cake.
With only seven days to go before ALDCLA: The Sequel, everyone was running in circles trying to get it together before the action shifted back to the West Coast. After a less than stellar showing the last time they hit the Hollywood Hills, Abby Lee Miller was determined that the team leave Pittsburgh with one more win under their belt.
Which meant that this week’s World-Class Talent Experience was more important than ever to Abby. Not only because it was being held on enemy turf (…Ohio, home of Canton’s Jerky King and the Evil Dance Lair know as Candy Apples…) but also because she just hates losing. Period.
With so much to do there wasn’t even time to scotch tape any head shots up on the mirror for the Pyramid of Shame, so in an oddly unscientific Facial Recognition Experiment, Abby just held up each photo like a flash card until someone finally recognized their own outfit and snatched it out of her hand. She said it was supposed to be like Chorus Line, but it reminded me more of when Cornelius and Zira first splash landed on Earth from the Planet of the Apes and got put into that psych lab to see how smart they were.
Spoiler Alert: Education played a big role in this week’s episode.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference: I think this one might have happened before the opening credits even finished, because as soon as the show started we already knew that Maddie was in New York rehearsing for an upcoming Saturday Night Live performance with her new bestie Sia.
Side note: Did we ever figure out who babysits Maddie while she’s off on all these solo road trips? I forget. I know she’s not old enough to have her own credit card for Ramada check-ins yet. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually stay at Sia’s house, though imagining them both going to sleep standing in a corner facing the wall does make me laugh. I’m just curious, that’s all.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: She’s my MomCrush, so she could put a Target bag on her head and I’d still think she was da bomb. But she did have it going on this week.
Holly Frazier Fashion Watch: Wait. What? Check your rear view mirror, Jill, because Dr. Beyoncé was giving us Rachel Zoe SohoBohoBigHat Realness this week.
Oh. My. Gawd. It was Ba. Na. Nas. Bananas.
Kendall Vertes Fashion Watch: An unexpected winner. When your double Boo Boo Kitty animal print band-aids not only match your outfit, but also every outfit on every member of your dance troupe, than your fashion game is on point.
JoJo and MackZ scored solos for the upcoming competition, as well as getting to dance in the Spice Girls group number. Tell you what I want. What I really, really want.
Yup…’ello Govnah. Those Spice Girls. And it worked perfectly. Like the real Spice Girls were somehow magically shrinky-dinked down into pee wee size and then spit back out onto the dance floor.
Kendall: Posh Spice. Kalani: Sporty Spice. Nia: Scary Spice. JoJo: Baby Spice.
Mackenzie: NotMaddie Spice.
Kidding. She was Ginger Spice. But it did open up a whole new MomPerch discussion on who Mackenzie really was…or would be…if she got the opportunity to step outside of Maddie’s ever widening shadow of stardom. MackZ? Mackenzie Boo? Just Plain ol’ Mackenzie? Kenzie? The Other One?
Even her solo was going to be an introspective owl-themed ‘Hoo Are Yoo?’ routine that would hopefully address the issue. Clearly, ever since Maddie put on that white wig and hid behind the living room drapes, tiny Mackenzie has been suffering a bit of an identity crisis. We love her, tho. What we need is a Girl Party to prove it!
As the girls got to rehearsing, we scooted over to Ohio to meet yet another choreographer for the Candy Apples. I think this one was Cathy’s sister-in-law. Or pharmacist. Or Uber driver. I forget. She goes through them faster than I go through Twitter followers.
(And srsly? You’re gonna unfollow me because I made a One Direction joke? I’m pretty sure you’ll never date Zayn Malik whether he stayed in the band or not. And aren’t you the same person who was gonna marry Justin Bieber two years ago? Whatev.)
Back in PA, the Moms were concerned that the Spice Girls routine was perfect for prepping the girls for another LA adventure, but not necessarily something that could win against a Candy Apples team that was hand-picked by Abby and then tossed to the curb during last season’s Open Call Auditions. The general consensus was that Abby was setting the team up to lose when Maddie was MIA. Because the contract clearly states that the team is not allowed to lose when Maddie is participating in the dances.
It’s in there. I swear. Right before the paragraph about slapping the studio owner.
(You might wanna hold that thought for a couple more minutes. Trust me.)
Side note: When Holly said “Who knows what it can reach” they close captioned her like she was Honey Boo Boo Child or something. What was that all about? She’s the only one I ever understand on this show.
During the conversation, it should also be noted that Melissa slipped in and out of consciousness a number of times, robotically repeating “She’s Abby Lee Miller We Must Assimilate” over and over like she was some kind of PittsBorg.
(That’s a freakin hysterical Star Trek reference that I don’t have time to explain, BTW.)
With two days to go before the competition, things were heating up. Except in Ohio, where it snowed the entire time. Anyone notice that? Total white-out snow emergency in Canton while the fall leaves were still piling up in the ALDC potholes back in Pittsburgh.
Global Warming, kids. The More You Know. Education.
And don’t even get me started on when Cathy slammed my girl Nia’s dance skills. “All my Candy Apple dancers are amazing. I don’t have any Nias”. AwHellNah.
Guuurl, you do NOT want me to take off my Rachel Zoe hat right now.
Side note: I’m still patiently waiting for the Dance Moms spin-off based on whatever Ohio beauty parlor it is that still does those haircuts and dye jobs. Because that show would be off the damn chain. I would watch that show so hard.
And then Abby basically blamed home schooling for MackZ’s inability to remember four minutes of choreography and now I’m just waiting for my entire website to slow down.
Because that totally happened last time when everyone on both sides of the argument started fighting over the pros and cons of homeschooling in the comment section.
Thanks a lot, Abby. I might as well just call my tech guy now and get in the queue.
Side note: In the heat of the battle, Melissa blurted out that Mackenzie was a lot smarter than Maddie educationally. Really. They should have subtitled that one instead, because I was totally all like WhatDidSheJustSay? I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it to sound the way it came out. And you know how Lifetime loves their new editing software.
You could tell Holly wanted to smack her on the nose with a rolled up PhD thesis.
Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!
And time for those screaming sidewalk kids I love so much. That little one trying to get a high-five out of Abby almost burst whatever that vein in the side of your forehead is called.
Side note: How how about Tessa‘s Mom and that red cocktail dress?
Dang, Reneé. Somebody does Pilates. I was going to say something about her hair and maybe point out that she was wearing the same Jack the Ripper throat slash choker again (…does she sleep in that thing?…) but then I got a load of those guns and now I’m all set.
Moving on. Fast.
MackZ’s ForTheLastTimeI’mNotMaddie dance went really well. She still did that handstand in a circle thing a billion times, which I thought we had already agreed made her routines seem too juvenile and would be removed going forward, but maybe I made that up in my head. I’m more jealous that I can’t do it than I am concerned about her actually Bringing Bumble Bee Back…but, still.
Jessalynn, who somewhere along the line stopped being a complete whack job and started making more sense than anyone in my circle of friends, pointed out that those kind of tricks aren’t really cute once you grow up. Since I still get very uncomfortable every Thanksgiving when my Aunt busts out her handstand in a circle thing right before we say Grace, I have to side with Jess on this one.
JoJo’s ‘Fancy’ solo was custom built for her, even though I’m not a big fan of MC Hammer pants. She was definitely Too Legit To Quit.
Side note: Did anyone else notice that Cathy brought Abby’s book into the dressing room when they first showed up? And that the book was propped up on Abby’s table for the remainder of the episode like Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook?
If you don’t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey…One: Shame on you, Danielle, you prostitution whore. And Two: Teresa has her books propped up all over the kitchen counter like she lives in a freakin’ Barnes & Noble or something.
Except for now. Because she’s in jail. Oops.
Pay your taxes, kids. Education.
Side note: We should probably talk about the Ohio Department of Tourism video they flashed between scenes that showed a baby goat or whatever it was just trying to have some lunch while that other goat-looking thing photobombed the picture. I swear, sometimes I just need to lay down when this show is over it’s so good. Hilarious.
The ALDC group routine was Mini Spice Girls all the way. Or as I like to call it, Nia and her Backup Dancers. Any time it’s a jazzy, hip hop pop kinda thing it’s always hard to take your eyes off Sasha Nia. Werk.
All the girls did great, but….seriously. LaQuifa What?
To finish off the contest, the CADC hit the stage with some of Abby’s leftover dancers, some of Abby’s leftover choreography and a whole bunch of freshly baked Apple Attitude.
They did amazing. I’ll give props where they’re due. When I hit the klub I still prefer to bust out my fave pop moves vs. lyrical, but I’ll still give a nod to a group that gets it done.
Unfortunately, so will the judges, who awarded the Candy Apples dancers First Place in the group category, totally overshadowing JoJo and MackZ’s One/Two sweep.
Backstage, it went exactly as you would expect it go after an ALDC loss.
Back Story: Little Chloe Smith (…seriously, is this franchise contractually obligated to always have at least one Chloe or Christy on the payroll?…) is one of the new CADC dancers who was at one of the random ALDC Open Call auditions last year. She is an amazing dancer with some pretty amazing ears. And that’s not a diss. You’ve all seen my childhood bow tie picture by now, so that scores me one Get Out Of Jail card.
And honestly, the whole ear thing isn’t really ever any issue unless the wind is blowing straight at you from behind. But regardless, at the audition Abby had told her to get her ears pinned back which was totally not cool at all. Unless you plan on performing with your head out a moving car window the entire time, I can’t even think of a reason why anyone would tell a child to do something like that. But Abby did.
So remember that part for later.
Back to backstage.
Cathy and all the gloating CADC Moms showed up in Abby’s dressing room with one of those Elmo Birthday Cakes from the grocery store. Except that it wasn’t anybody’s birthday. And it wasn’t even Elmo on the cake. It was Abby’s face from the night that Kelly Hyland slapped her silly and ended up on TMZ.
Side note: If you’ve never viewed that scene, or need a refresher, I highly recommend you relive the moment if for no other reason than to watch Dr. Holly Frazier take charge of all the children in the building like the roof is about to collapse on top of the entire team. As I’ve said many times before, if Holly had been on the Titanic everyone on board would have made it into the life boats and been home by sunrise.
Holly doesn’t do drama. And she certainly isn’t gonna get her hair wet.
Cathy brought in the cake and offered to cut Abby a big slice or stick the fork directly in her eyeball. Her choice. Needless to say, Abby got herself up and headed towards the door, turning just long enough to whisper “Get those ears fixed” before exiting the room.
Again. Not cool. At all. Even the ALDC Moms were horrified.
But this time, Choe’s Mom Liza fought back.
Not gonna lie. When she shoved the other CADC Moms out of the way and headed down the hallway after Abby, I was kind of hoping for a rumble. Sadly, it ended up being more of a Power Walk down to the Sears store at the other end of mall.
Clearly, neither of them are gonna qualify for the Pittsburgh Marathon this year.
But they still got some screaming in. Quite a bit, actually. Cathy even joined in on the Not-Birthday Party and called Abby a horse.
Back in the dressing room, all the ALDC Moms came to Chloe’s defense and it was really nice to see. Competition aside, they’re all still Moms. And no Mom ever wants to see a child get their feelings hurt. It’s a Mom Thing and proved that sometimes you have to stop being a Dance Mom and just be a Mom Mom.
It’s called doing what’s right, kids. Education.
Everyone rallied around Chloe and told her how amazing she was. They were worried about her. I was worried about her. And the cake, too. I was worried about the cake.
I still don’t know what happened to it when Cathy put it down to chase after Liza and Abby. And that concerns me greatly. I just hope they had dessert.
Cake always makes me feel better when people make fun of my ears.
And then it was over.
Time to go home and pack up all your sassy hats.
Because we’re going back to Hollywood, mmmkay?
