Dance Moms: It Was Out With The Old And In With The New During Abby’s Ultimate Night Of 100 Dance Moms Competition Mash-Up Show.

Lawd, give me the strength to not pop off on that woman while the cameras are still rolling.

I think that last batch of turkey jerky gave me a rash. Mama’s itchy down there.

I am well aware of what’s going on with my hair. I don’t think it’s necessary to point it out every week, thank you.

Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am a crazy whack job. And I’m baaaaack, ladies.

I’m kind of a big deal in the Dance World. And I rock a side pony like a Boss.

What’re you looking at, bitch? How about you take a picture. It’ll last longer.

If anybody asks, your name is Nia. I’ll explain later, honey.

Seriously.  What was that?

What did I just watch?

My DVR said it was Dance Moms.

But then all of the sudden it was Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition again.  And then it was either Survivor or So You Think You Can Dance.  There were even so many crazy chicks climbing out of cars that I thought it was the premier of The Bachelor.

Let’s regroup and take a closer look.  Maybe together we can figure out what just happened, because somehow Abby Lee Miller managed to take the best (…or worst…) of every other show out there, bake it up into one sloppy pie and then curve ball it right in our faces.

The whole thing started out calmly enough with a 1960′s style sit-in outside in the pothole-filled ALDC parking lot.

In a kind of backwards show of solidarity for the currently estranged Kelly, who had refused to bring her two daughters back for the new competition season, the other remaining Moms all decided to set good examples for their own children and give Abby the hissy fit silent treatment.  Because that always works so well in junior high, right?

Talk to MY boyfriend at the dance, Britney?  I don’t think so.  What?  I can’t hear you.

Anyway.  The Mom Posse just didn’t feel right without Kelly crying and melting down at their side each week, so they all decided in a high level, top secret bathroom stall meeting (…why do women always go in there together? Is it like a War Room or something?…) that the only way to make Abby realize Kelly needs to be back at the studio was to go sit in their cars all night and eat Sweet Tarts.

Considering that it was Kelly who made the choice to leave, not Abby, I’m still not positive where they were heading with this one.  But thankfully they had hit up Costco before the sit-in and had enough snacks to hibernate for the winter in their SUVs if the whole thing backfired on them.

When Abby realized that there was nobody in the studio for Pyramid, she began to put the pieces together.  Which also leads me to a secondary point.

How do all the other dancers get into the building?  I mean, I’m pretty certain that Abby can’t cover all her expenses solely on the tuition from seven little girls, and I do vaguely remember seeing a few other no name dancers hanging out in one episode.  But that place was literally deserted when Abby was waddling around looking for Maddie & Company.  And now that you mention it…you never see any unfamiliar tap dancers coming in and out the front door during any of the good stuff.

I’m going to have to assume that the rest of the ALDC community must be contractually obligated to enter the structure through an unseen servant’s entrance or drop through the air ducts with their gym bags, because there was too much dramz going on outside to deal with this right now.

Newbie Ally and her dazed Mom Shelly were the only two warm bodies in the building as Abby tried to pick up Christi‘s scent.  You didn’t have to be in the dance biz to know that would guarantee Ally a solo by default.  Hide the bodies and then it’s all you, honey.

Bloodhound Abby finally tracked down all the MIA Moms at their tailgate party in the parking lot.  I actually thought the protest was being held at a Drive-In movie theater until I realized that I was looking at a mailbox and not a detachable speaker pole.

(You tweeny bop dance fans may want to Google that one…)

Armed with her cell phone and some front desk back up, Abby blew a nutty all over the side of Melissa’s van and then headed back inside to file a police report on a pack of belligerant trespassers who refused to share their candy.

Oh.  And to find some Ringers for the weekend.  That, too.

The Xpression Dance Competition in Fort Wayne was going on with or without the Dream Team, so Abby needed to make some calls.

I guess in the Dance World you always have one overnight bagged packed with pointe shoes and math homework (…as if…) sitting by the front door, because as soon as Abby reached out to some stray Moms, they were on a plane.  I can’t even get out the door for work that quickly, so I bow to their lightening reflexes.

Next day, Jill somehow found herself in Ohio “running errands” and dropped by the Candy Apples Evil Dance Lair to say hollah to Chaos Cathy Nesbitt.  Really?  No clue what she could possibly have needed in Ohio (…other than a working GPS…) that she couldn’t have found in Pittsburgh, but it did give us a chance to see Cathy in all her erratic splendor.

Somewhere around Ohio was where all the action started to get a little staged.  Maybe not necessarily Jerseylicious Gatsby Salon staged…but a little pre-planned.  There were a lot of…shall we say…coincidences in this episode.

The two women bickered back and forth about nothing while looking at each other’s messy hair until Jill finally gave up and headed back to Pittsburgh.  It was never really explained why Jill was even there, or why she was wearing that ostrich vest.

Always needing the last word, Cathy slipped one more zinger in and noted “That’s an awfully small Louis Vuitton bag you got there.” as Jill exited Candy Apples Land.

“It fits in my big one,” replied Jill.

That’s what she said.

Badabing.

And then The Bachelor cars started pulling up to the ALDC curb full of little dancers and crazy chicks.

Bella and her Mom Marcia tumbled out, all ready to take on the world.  Kaeli and Mom Gloria also arrived, all ready to unleash a fake Nia on the competition.  A third Mystery Guest would be arriving later.

It was totally like The Bachelor, except that there was no booze…and the women were wearing bras.  At least Gloria was, because it kept poking out of her dress on Competition Day.  Just saying.

All the booze was over at Christi’s house as the Original Recipe Moms got together and decided to put on a show of their own.  Just like Andy Rooney and Judy Garland always did on the spur of the moment when they needed money for an Easter hat.

Except this was going to be at the Mall over by Brookstone, and not in a barn.

But it was totally the same.

(You Drive-In movie Googlers may want to look up that reference as well.  I swear I’m really not that old.  I’m not.)

Then it was back to the ALDC for another awkwardly staged phone call between Abby and bat s*** crazy Mom Yvette from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

You knew Yvette was way too good to toss out after she and Roadkill daughter Hadley got cut from the elusive Joffrey scholarship.  Yvette just wanted to let Abby know that she and her emotionally scarred daughter would be at the Xpression competition, providing Hadley could get past all the terrible things Abby had said to her on a nationally televised stage.  And in front of that Pussycat Dolls lady, of all things.

It was like a network cross-over on the same network.

I see what you’re doing here, Lifetime.  Well played.  Well played.

The staging and the editing got a little weird during this call as well, when Abby was caught styling in a delightfully juvenile glitter heart headband that she was supposed to be wearing on what was supposed to be the following day in the next scene.  It appears that there was so much tasty goodness in this episode that the Continuity Guy lost track of his checklist.  Whatev.  I’ll give him one Get Out Of Jail card because the headpiece was so bad it was good.

To continue the Reality Mash-Up, Yvette had a touching Mother/Daughter moment with Hadley in what appeared to be a Toddlers & Tiaras bedroom.  It had to be.

Please tell me that a girl of Hadley’s age can’t possibly have a bedroom that looks like that.  Please.  Between the floral wall borders, beanie babies, trophies and Outfit of Choice banners, I expected a cupcake dress and a spray tan tent to accidentally show up in the camera shot.  Sparkle, baby.

I watch way too much TV.

The fourth and final member of Abby’s new bootleg competition team finally showed up the next day.  Sophia was in the building, along with token Hot Mom Jackie.

The way everyone yelled and screamed and bumped into each other, it appears that Sophia Lucia is a pretty big deal in the dance and cartoon voice over industry.

That little squirt had some mad dancing skills, and a voice that sounded like the squeak a balloon makes when you purposely let the air leak out.  Abby kept calling it a helium kind of voice.  But it was better than helium.

It was like a Disney movie.  On helium.  With the soundtrack sped up.  After you popped Extacy in the restroom.  Like that.

All the Phase II Moms immediately got up in each other’s grills because Sophia scored a solo and the other kids didn’t.  There were so many old and new Dance Moms this week you needed a spreadsheet.

But honestly, I was so distracted by Marcia’s cowhide Crocs that I missed everything else that happened in that first scene.  I’m not sure if I was more fascinated that somebody actually manufactured that footwear, or that someone got in their car, drove to the store, looked around and then spent real money on purchasing a pair.

And then wore them in public.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Mall Walking time!

Dance Moms: Miami even made a brief rise from the grave when Abby entered the venue in one of those cut-out sleeve numbers that half of Florida inappropriately wears after menopause.  It was like one show after another.  Like my entire DVR started playing everything at once.

Ally’s solo went off just fine, even with Abby mouth breathing the entire time.

Sophia basically flipped off Maddie and then danced her baby butt off in a fringed costume that looked like a brush roller from the vacuum attachment you use on hardwood floors.  She is redoinkulously Gumby flexible, and reminded me of that Elf on a Shelf toy with those long skinny legs that go in every direction imaginable.

Sophia’s Mom had a seriously Jersey Shore-ish leopard top on for some reason.  It’s a Hot Mom thing.  Show after show, I tell you.

Gloria decided that she hadn’t put on lipstick for nothing, and went downstairs to try and sneak in a solo for Kaeli without Abby catching on.  But Bella started to cry on cue, which alerted Abby to the indiscretion and ignited loads of Mama Drama.

Back at the Century III Mall, the real Dance Moms had pulled together their own bootleg presentation in front of Cinnabon.

Umm.  This is also where it got extraordinarily staged.

I happen to know from years at JCPenney (…before it turned into JCP and just got all hot mess…) that you can’t even roll a 4-way rack out onto the parquet floor during your annual Sidewalk Sale without a blessing from the local Fire Department and the Pope.

And yet somehow five suburban Moms had managed to set up the same stage that Jennifer Lopez uses and then filled an entire mall with the same screaming girls who had just blacked out at Justin Bieber‘s Madison Square Garden show.

I want their Twitter followers.  Whatev.  That’s two Get Out Of Jail cards in one show.

And don’t you think that was a lot of work for one dance?  Right about then is when the Moms realized that they might still need Abby.  Might.

Back in Fort Wayne, Yvette’s dance team beat Abby’s team in the Group category.  So you can imagine how that one went down.

As the new Moms all imploded in each other’s faces, the old Moms hit the Food Court and tried to figure out what their next step was going to be.

And someone got a crown, or a rose, or got kicked off the Island.

I forget.  There was a lot going on.