Entertainment Magazine

Dance Moms: It’s Time To Shut Your Mouth, Stuff Your Dog And Get Ready For The Night Of The Dancing Dead.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

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And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how West Coast Mamas bring all the boys to the yard. Let’s Go!

 

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Oh. Hell. No.

 

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Nobody puts Baby in the corner. A big FedEx box, maybe…but never the corner.

 

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Leslie, Ya Nasty.

 

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Honey? I know you’re trying to focus, but some crazy a** Mom is still blocking the aisle and I really need a box of Goobers.

 

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The only good thing about Leslie is she has a Sam’s Club card and a van. She’s my BFF when wine goes on sale.

 

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And the award for Hottest Mom Twerk Handed Out By That Guy From The Old Navy Commercial goes to…….

 

Nice try.

Just when you thought Orlando had finally put that embarrassing Girls Gone Wild stigma behind them and was back to just being part of the Sunshine State.

Sorry, Florida.  Dance Moms is about to hit the beach.

Hard.

Fresh off a local throw down with Anthony Burrell‘s hood rat Mama (…”my son is a gentleman and don’t make me smack you upside the head to prove it”…) the ALDC was heading South this week for yet another Xpression Dance Competition.

If you keep track of these kind of things, it’s about four weeks away from Nationals.  So that meant that it was time for all the girls to start pulling their shiz together and become a well oiled machine.

After The Pyramid of Shame, of course.

Back home in beautiful Pittsburgh, we started out with yet another shoe-free, Kelly-free gathering of the troops.  And before you ask…No.  I have no idea what was going on with Jill‘s maxi color maxi pattern maxi accessory maxi dress ensemble.

Not a clue.  I’m starting to think that she’s just trying to mess with our heads now.

After…once again…blowing a nutty during rehearsals for the ALDC Recital and…once again…storming out the stage door, Kelly was…once again…still holding Brooke and Paige under house arrest and refusing to let them dance.

Once again.

So that meant that über tall Payton was still hanging around as backup dancer.  Which in turn meant that über loud Mom Leslie was also still in the building and pretty much guaranteed the entire episode would be filled with Christi copping an attitude and rolling her eyes a lot.

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Drinking Game Alert:  Take a drink every time Christi makes a face, or just drink every time this show makes you want to drink.  Your choice.

Bottom of the pile this week was a tight squeeze with Brooke, Paige, Payton, Asia and Mackenzie all crammed on that one row.

Brooke and Paige were no surprise.  As little as I pretend to know about the Dance World, I know you should probably show up once in awhile.

Payton was in the basement because her attitude continued to suck big ones.  Really big ones.  Remember her mouthing off in the makeup room last week?

“Ummm.  Hellooooo, Bitches?  My name is Payton.  Spelled S-N-O-T.”

Stop that right now Missy, or I’m sending Anthony’s Mama back in to set you straight.

Asia was stuck in the bottom because she still needed to figure out how to be a Star and a member of an ensemble at the same time.  Ok.  Let’s ask Beyoncé how well that worked out for her when we get a chance.

And then there was MackAttack, whose headshot was only a mere 8 inches to the left of Asia’s, but which somehow meant that she had a better Pyramid Score than Asia.  I thought the Bottom was the Bottom.  My bad.

The middle row was reserved for Chloe, Kendall and Maddie.  Chloe was good but not great.  And as part of Abby’s  Humiliation 101 training, Maddie was held back again this week.  Abby wanted Maddie to stay hungry and not get used to winning every week.  I guess giving a kid nothing to do all week should do the trick.

Kendall rounded out the trio and got props for her Mom not going completely bat s*** Paula Deen on Anthony’s Mama last week.

Nia took top honors, which gave Mom Holly the same face you know she’ll get on Graduation Day.  Everybody loves Nia, so they were all psyched to see her finally get some recognition.

Chloe, Kendall and Nia all scored solos and their respective Moms high-fived each other while Maddie wondered how much a bus ticket to Ohio would cost.

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Nia’s solo was being planned as a tribute to Broadway Baby, Abby’s spoiled, scruffy, runny-eyed sissy dog who had passed away a few months ago and was, as we speak, being stuffed full of pillow batting at the Back To Life Taxidermy factory.

At first I tried to visualize Nia being pushed around in a pink toy baby stroller and uncomfortably kissed on the mouth a lot, but then Abby clarified the solo would involve actual dancing and I was pretty relieved.

The group routine was entitled On The Verge and was a not so subtle homage to Kelly’s gradual mental deterioration.  Basically just going crazy on an eight count.

As the kids got to rehearsing, the grown-ups all hit the MomPerch to dish.

Melissa felt that Maddie should have been on top.  Holly worried about the pressure that Nia must be under to pay proper tribute to a dead dog.  Christi wondered why Leslie was still sitting in Kelly’s seat and Kristie with a K sat on her hands so she wouldn’t slap somebody.

JLo was definitely running out of patience with these hens.  They complain when their kids don’t get stuff.  They complain when their kids gets stuff.  And this new Leslie chick hasn’t stopped talking since she walked in the door.  When does she breath?  Or eat?

Cuz you know she does.

Oh, snap.

Seriously.  How much do we love JLo?  I think the only thing better would be if someday before I die I got to see her booty pop.

Spoiler Alert:  Hold that thought.

As rehearsals continued, it was time for Abby and Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller to go pick up their freshly stuffed puppy.  I kind of live for moments like this one.

Surrounded by stuffed turkeys, bears and pretty much anything that Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom couldn’t get her hands on first on the side of the road, Mr. Taxidermy brought in an exceptionally fluffy and rigid Broadway Baby to the gasps of Abby and Mom and then laid him out like an Applebee’s nacho plate on the table.

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Now I like Abby’s Mom Maryen.  Quite a bit, actually.  Everybody does.  She’s that good kind of old lady crazy.  (Can you even imagine a mahjong tournament with Maryen and Chaos Cathy‘s Candy Apple grandma?  Heaven.)

And we should always respect our elders.  I know that.

But did you see here face when she first saw Broadway Baby?  I’m pretty sure that she thought it was a surprise 100th birthday cake when the owner first came around the corner with that puppy on a slab.

I died a little.

Everyone cried.  Maryen got all flustered trying to figure out why there were no candles anywhere and then the guy boxed Baby up in some new fangled new hi-tech cardboard puppy carrier and handed Abby an invoice.

Randomly through her tears, Abby did note that she should have put Broadway Baby in commercials as Mr. Taxidermy filled the box with packing peanuts shaped just like Snausages.  He then sent them all home after making a mental note on Maryen’s height and hair color for future reference.

Back in the MomPerch, Kelly called Christi (…on speakerphone, natch…) to selectively invite a few of the Moms over to Casa Hyland for cocktails and smack talk.

Needless to say, Melissa was dissed due to outstanding issues between the two of them and the same argument that had been going around all season erupted again between all the Moms.

Kelly should come back.  Leslie’s not a member of the Team.  Payton’s too old to dance with the young girls, even though she is the exact same age as Brooke.

(Don’t ask.  That made no sense on any level.)

Blah to the blah to the blah.

The only thing that really got accomplished was all the arguing gave Leslie some additional time to mark her turf in the Perch as she rubbed that Walmart butt back and forth across the bench like some wild dog on a carpet.

Smell that?  This bitch ain’t going nowhere.

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During the solo rehearsals, Nia had a few repetitive issues which caused Abby to lose her temper and kinda sorta cut the solo.  Except that she didn’t really.  But it sounded like she did, which prompted Holly and Nia to head down to the desk to find out all the deets and get some clarification.

Holly is so level headed that she just laid it all down on the line and did’t even get distracted by the gigantic glossy photo of Abby’s (…alleged…) boyfriend that was thumbtacked on the wall all covered in lipgloss kisses.

Seriously.  That front desk is starting to look like the inside of a 7th grader’s locker.  I swear…if I ever see a One Direction picture hanging off those constantly unstocked dance tight bins, I’m not watching this stupid show anymore.  Clean it up, girls.

With one day to go, the Moms were still all up in each other’s grills.

Leslie wanted to stay forever.  Christi kept pointing out that she was only soiling Kelly’s seat…not keeping it forever.  By the time that Leslie tried to compare herself to JLo, my girl wasn’t having it anymore.

If somebody wants answers, she’s got answers for them.  Outdoors.  Let’s go.

Gah.  I hope it’s not raining that day.

We jumped over to Kelly’s house for a few chugs of wine and a mouthful of cheese, but didn’t really accomplish anything.  I actually think it was the same scene we saw last time when all the Moms got hammered.

Drink.  Eat.  Complain.  Storm out.  ”I’m Done!”  Rinse.  Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Everyone was wedged into a pretty tiny makeup room, which probably seemed even tinier with an extra tall dancer and her Mom taking up so much additional square footage.  (And why is Melissa always crawling around on her hand and knees in the suitcase?  I mean…every week, I swear.)

Abby told Nia to dance her dance like a man had just done her wrong, which was a little disturbing considering that not only has Nia never been on a date,  but her dance was a tribute to a dead dog who was back home propped up on pillows watching an unplugged television set.

And then Kelly showed up.  All the way down in Orlando.  For real.

No wonder this woman doesn’t work.  Stalking and complaining and being an on again, off again Dance Mom is clearly a full time job.

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Unfortunately, with her current status under question, Abby and Maryen refused to let her into the aisle to sit with her buds.  Nope.  Not doing it.  Not having it.

Thankfully, Kelly refused to climb over the seats and flash all of America her naughty bits in a short dress, and instead chose to stand at the end of the aisle and sulk until intermission.  Which she did quite well.

Which also gave Maryen ample time to pop off like some crazy bus stop lady and talk trash about Kelly.  You go, Granny.

Then some kids danced.  And then the group danced.  All good.

But the really good part was the Awards.  And the Asia vs. Kristie Dance Off.

Oh, yeah.  That totally happened.

Somehow from up on stage, Asia had thrown down the challenge to Mama out in the audience to do it like they do it on MTV.

It started off innocently enough, though you really need to see Jill and Christi trying to compete with JLo in the seats.  Kristie danced in her seat.  Jill and Christi had what looked to be some kind of medically induced seizures.

And then JLo jumped up and right about then the whole thing pretty much gave me life.

Bitch stole my moves.  Dang, girl.

In the makeup room after the ceremonies, the arguments continued.  Kelly even bullied her way backstage to tag team Christi against Leslie.

Who’s on the Team?  Who’s only keeping seats warm?  When’s Kelly coming back?

As the voice of reason, Holly even tried to explain to Leslie why raising good children might actually be more important than raising a Rockette, but Leslie wasn’t having it.

None of it.  As my ears bled, I tried to imagine Thanksgiving at the Ackerman’s after a couple of keggers.

Finally, JLo lost patience with the whole thing, grabbed her cell and went out the door to check her score sheets in the Mom Dance portion of the competition.

I’m going to get my trophy.

Peace out.

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