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Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

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So proud of you for getting the lead role, Baby. I just thought Justin Bieber would be taller in person.

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I’m super excited for the Lucy & Ethel duet. Ethel Merman has always been one of my idols!

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If I’m sweeping for this whole video, I swear I’m gonna go completely LaQuifa on somebody’s a**.

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One. Billion. Views.

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No, really. Are you just gonna sit there all day or you gonna get up and get me my milkshake, lady?

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My life, tho.

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These chicks be straight crazy, yo.

Lights.  Camera.  Action.

Take One.  Take Two.  Take ‘em all, if you want.  You can have ‘em.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could send over that tiny waitress with some scrambled eggs and a side of hash browns, cuz all this Hollywood stuff is making me hungry.

Can you believe it?  It’s already the final seven days of the 2015 Los Angeles Road Trip for our Dance Moms crew.  Seems like Abby Lee Miller & Co. just arrived in California and now they’re already packing up their hair bows and plastic jewelry for the return trip home.  Time really flies when you’re singing and dancing and screaming and crying.

But don’t you worry.  There was still so much West Coast Mama Drama left to squeeze in that they had to make it a two-parter this week.  The trip that never ended.

And speaking of this whole trip.  I thought the whole point of this thing was to uproot everyone and open a shiny new studio (…“ALDC LA is happening, kids”…) and never look back at Pittsburgh, PA again.  Wasn’t that what Abby kept holding over everyone’s head all last season?  Or did I just make that part up in my head?

And was it just me, or did this whole thing kinda feel like that time when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?  (…For today’s performance, the role of Alice will be played by Gianna Martello…) When you saw the same people you already know, but they were all wearing different clothes and being filmed outside in the wind a lot?

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Like when you knew that Greg was probably not going to die the night that gigantic tarantula crawled onto his bed and yet the whole thing still felt a little off and secretly you couldn’t wait for them all to fly back home to Pittsburgh and just dance and have a normal meal of pork chops and apple sauce for a change.

That sentence didn’t even make sense.

But that’s probably why Holly stated more than once that the LA trip was not what she expected.  And Dr. Beyoncé always speaks the truth.  Because she is awesome sauce.

Which is even better than apple sauce.  Way better.

And thinking of Holly just made me think of Nia.  Can we discuss Nia’s hair this week?

On.  Point.  Sasha.  On.  Point.

It was definitely their last week in LA. and probably the earliest that I’ve ever gotten completely off track in a recap.  So let’s get to the Pyramid of Shame and keep this thing moving, because it’s gonna be a long one.

Maddie was MIA again as the Pyramid began.  This week she was off at Disneyland somewhere filming an episode of Austin & Ally, which I guess must be a show about two people named Austin and Ally.  I can’t watch everything out there, people.

To fill the Ziegler Void, Abby announced that she would be bringing in two additional dancers who just happened to be standing on the other side of the studio doors at that very moment.  And then right on cue, in walked former ALDC Junior Elite/Select/I Forget Which One dancer Sarah Reasons and her Mom Tracey.  

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Insert disgusted Kira Girard Face here: _________________.

Reverse Spoiler Alert:  Not sure why Kira acted so surprised to see her arch nemesis Tracey in the building since Tracey was freakin’ sitting behind them at last week’s competition.  For realz.  Right there, behind Abby’s big ol’ bouffant.

Busted.  These Lifetime post-production editors need to either start blurring out the faces of these surprise cameo guest stars or stop filming them looking over Abby’s shoulder through an entire Sheer Talent extravaganza.  Tracey’s nosey, BTW.

Last season, Sarah was known as Sarah R. to avoid any potential confusion with other similarly named, less emotionally stable dancers, but now that the show has driven away most of the Sarahs and Christis of the world, she’s just plain old Sarah again.

And hot on her heels was a brand new face to the ALDC…Brynn Rumfallo and her Mom Ashlee.  Another mortal enemy from Arizona.  Brynn kinda sorta looked like a slightly bigger version of the other not-Sarah R. and Ashlee had hair that was darker at the bottom and underneath.  I don’t know what you call that style.  (…‘So Last Year’ maybe?…)

Ouch.  Snap.  Went there.

I don’t know who’s left at Kira’s old Arizona dance studio since they’re all in California now.

And how ’bout Nia’s hair this week?  Did we already mention that?  On.  Point.

Clearly, we’re wasting too much valuable time this week, so I’ll just skip the rest of the Pyramid to speed things up.  Except for the part where Kendall was on top.  Because that’s important.  You go, gurrrl.  Well deserved.  XOXO.

My MomCrush Jill was beyond thrilled.  And she’s my MomCrush, so there’s that.

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And then JoJo cried.  And then she got kicked off the team and out of the room.  But then she pulled a quick U-turn and came bouncing right back in to apologize for crying like a little kid (…PS she is a little kid…) and for being too scared to watch an R-rated movie all by herself in a dark hotel room.

I still can’t believe Abby wanted this little squirt to watch the movie Carrie last week.  That ain’t rite.  Mom Jessalynn is already spending too much money on hair accessories and Clairol Root Touch-Up.  She doesn’t need to write another check for psychotherapy.

This week the gang was headed to Starbound National Talent Competition.  Sarah and Kalani scored a duet based on the infamous Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding 1994 Winter Olympic ice skating fiasco.  The one where Tonya had someone bonk Nancy’s knee with a socket wrench, sending her into a crumpled mess on the floor like she had just lost the entire limb in a wood chipper.

Drama Queen much?

The other duet went to MackZ and JoJo, who were paying tribute to Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.  Not gonna lie.  Part of me hopes it’s going to be the episode where JoJo gets a giant trophy stuck on her head.

There were also two group routines to learn, but since they don’t really happen until next week we’ll just skim over those until Part Two.  The big dealio with having two dances to learn was that Abby had to bring in guest choreographer Molly Long to work with one team, while the other team (…comprised of mostly newbies…) got all of Abby’s attention.

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No wonder Holly has taken matters into her own hands nowadays.  Enough, already.  Don’t screw with a Mother’s Love.

As all the various dances were rehearsed over the next few days, the Moms were running out of patience with pretty much everything that was going down around them.  This was not the plan when the Original Recipe Moms all left Pittsburgh.  Especially the part that included New Moms in the mix.

We also got a delightful flashback to a Classic Dance Moms Moment from last season when Kira flipped out on Tracey one night when all the Old and New Moms were out having cocktails.  You remember.  It was that time when the two of them ran after each other down some random hallway while Holly hoarded every wine glass on the table and Jill and Christi wore matching fur coats.

Gah, those were good times.  I miss Chloe.

With only four days to go before competition, Abby got a surprise call from Blake Morris.

On her cell.  On speakerphone.  Because that’s how it’s done in Reality TV.

Blake is the Father/Manager of “internet artist” MattyB.  Which is totally the way he introduced himself on the phone and which is also totally the way I hope my Dad will one day have to identify himself to strangers.

Who’s MattyB, you ask?  Srsly?  Clearly, you are not a 9 year old girl if you have to ask that stupid question.

Now, before anyone spams my inbox, let me preface this by stating that I am also a cute little white boy.  So it’s ok for me to point out that MattyB is the cutest, littlest, whitest boy that youtube has ever seen.  Ever.

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And he raps, yo.  Granted, he does it in that new little white boy line of clothing from J.Crew, but when you’re 11 years old and have ONE BILLION social media hits under your nautical web belt you can freakin’ get gangsta in a Pokémon onesie for all I care.

This kid owns youtube right now.

He also owns a really good head of pre-teen/pre-DBag Justin Bieber hair.

(Spoiler alert:  Enjoy it while you can, cowboy.  Your Dad’s a really nice guy, but…)

Dad wanted the ALDC girls to audition for MattyB’s new music video.  OMG.

Nia got all giggly.  MackZ just ran in circles bumping into things.  Kendall professed her love for MattyB.  Even though he is slightly height challenged at the moment, once his voice changes and he has a spurt or two, she would be willing to revisit the possibility of marrying him and having 100 perfect-haired babies.

As soon as the introductory speakerphone call was over, Abby and Melissa were all like AwHellNahMackenzieAin’tDancingBackUpForNobodyCuzShe’sAlreadyAMusicStar until Holly casually mentioned the whole One Billion Thang and then all of the sudden they were pulling out headshots like they were popping Tic Tacs.

It was pre-tween chaos.

Quickly followed by a commercial for Born In The Wild where we got to see pixelated crotch shots of women having babies in the rain forest.

What the What?  Is nobody working in the Lifetime offices on Tuesday nights anymore?

I can’t.  I just can’t anymore.

(Check out Nia’s hair while we’re here…)

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Finally, it was Music Video Audition Time!

Blake and Video Director Marshall Manning showed up at the studio to give the girls some deets on the upcoming audition process.  It’s nice they could take a break from their JCPenney catalog plaid shirt photo shoot, because that’s totally what they were doing before they arrived.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nobody in MattyB’s posse is allowed to tuck their shirt in.  It’s in the contract, I swear.  Check out every scene from now until the end credits.  If I’m lying I’m dying.)

I really liked Marshall.  He was all Hollywood and Boy Band and Joey Tribbiani from Friends in one neatly trimmed package.  There was a lot of good hair this week.

Marshall wanted the ‘essence of a child’ for this video, which I prayed was the dancing kind and not the kind that had just been delivered on a bed of wet pine needles in the back woods of Maine.

Go back and watch that commercial.  I just can’t in HD anymore.

The next day, choreographer Erik Saradpon joined the MattyB party to lead the auditions.  It was guest stars galore this week, I tell you.

There was also a third gentleman who was not allowed to speak or give his name who sat in between Marshall and Blake at the American Idol table, as well as a waiter from Vanderpump Rules wearing a sleeveless (…untucked…) lumberjack shirt and ski beanie who was in charge of the iPod.

But my all-time favorite dude (…maybe in the entire history of television so far…) had to be MattyB’s Stunt Man who stepped in to lip sync into an invisible microphone while shaking it like a Polaroid frat party picture.

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I swear.

Lose the pants, take away the oversized striped hoodie t-shirt and some of the underaged girls dancing backup and that’s exactly how I look in the shower every morning.  And exactly how I didn’t want that sentence to sound when it came out of my mouth.

Side note:  From now on when the conversation gets this uncomfortable I think it’s best if I just awkwardly back out of the room and remind everyone how amazing Nia’s hair looked this week.  Because it did.

On.  Point.

The girls danced and did some vocals to secure their spots in the video.  Some could sing.  Some not so much.  JoJo was so thirsty for a part in the production that she almost tackled the fake MattyB a few times before he threw himself threw a glass window to escape like a true stunt man.

And then finally…again…it was Music Video Showtime!

And Maddie was back for some reason.  I’m pretty sure they just CGI edited her back into the final scene this week for her Sia fans, because she didn’t talk or move the whole time she was standing next to Kendall in the parking lot.

The whole theme of the video shoot was a 1950s Doo Wop diner looking thing with 1940s Andrew Sisters looking hair, because we all know what a big deal rap music was to all those crazy rebellious kids from the 1940s and 1950s.

MattyB was in the hizzle now and you could literally hear a high pitched squeal almost shatter the ozone above all 50 states every time somebody put his face on screen.

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The girls were all dressed as waitresses and paired up with the cleanest looking greaser boys in MB varsity jackets I’ve ever seen.  MackZ ended up getting the lead waitress role while the rest of the girls were put into different on-camera tiers based on screen time and speed of delivering food to the tables while it was still hot.

As production began, Abby was now the one MIA so Melissa gave her a call to figure out her location and see what was taking her so long to get to the shoot.

The short version, since we’re going OT here:  Abby was having second thoughts about MackZ being in the video without any top billing, given her Mariah Carey pop star status and all.  Unfortunately, Melissa had already signed some kind of contract that gave away MackZ’s Star Status and First Born to MattyB and his Dad.

Abby quickly arrived at the diner, pulling Blake aside and asking him to speak with some attorney that she had sitting on hold regarding MackZ’s sumthin sumthin, but Blake was too busy to be bothered.  Plus, Melissa had already signed a different sumthin sumthin.

And Double Plus, MattyB has One Billion hits on social media and you don’t.

None of you do, actually.  How’s that feel right about now?

Then Abby gave Melissa the Stink Eye.  Big Time Stink Eye.

Abby was having second thoughts about the whole thing and was contemplating yanking all the girls out of the video, which would basically shut down the production.  Except that it was almost completed already.  And MattyB had already tweeted out the finished project to his bazillion groupies during the episode.

And it’s already up to 900,000 plus views on youtube.

Again.  Editing, people.

But Nia’s hair was amazeballs and Holly isn’t taking any more crap this season.

I guess next week we’ll see how it all works out in Part Two.

Are you ready, JoJo?

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Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!
Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!
Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!
Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!
Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!
Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

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