#Janky
Maybe because I’m FABULOUS, bitch. What exactly don’t you understand after all this time?
Let’s just keep it real. With only one week left, technique is more important than whether they can breath or not.
#Nationals.
And technically, I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal in CA unless it’s a plastic bag with a big zip tie.
Oh. My. Gawd. Get a snap of this big a** bow and then tell me I didn’t just die and go to Heaven.
Nobody pushes my baby around. Except me today when she blocked my closeup in the video. Mama’s werkin’ here, honey.
And I quote.
“Our girls are so crazy. Those crazy girls.”
Mikey Minden said it. Not me. I’m just agreeing with him.
And that pretty much sums up this week’s episode of Dance Moms if you need to leave now. Thanks for coming. Drive safely.
But if you can stick around, let’s get right to the deets…because there was certainly enough crazy (…Spoiler Alert: And FAAABulousness…) to fill an hour.
Beginning right out on the sidewalk as soon as the credits rolled.
After some pregnant lady stuff almost knocked her off the show last week, Kira was back with the other Moms outside 3rd Street Dance, feeling much better and discussing their plan of attack for the final competition before…say it with me…Nationals.
Using two thumbs and her invisible cell phone, Melissa asked Kira if she had seen any of the juicy dirt on social media about the upcoming weekend, because Erin Babbs and her dreaded MDP girls were coming back to try and steal another win out from under from the ALDC. Needless to say, Kira was up to date.
Don’t you worry, Mel. Even when she was being intravenously fed fluids through a tube in the emergency room, I’m pretty sure Kira had that other hand swiping through somebody’s Instagram. She’s good like dat.
I did get a little bit of anxiety when I noticed that my MomCrush Jill was MIA, but it was quickly explained that she had returned to PA for a family graduation. Kendall was still in California with the rest of the ALDC troupe (…her choice. Jill didn’t forget her…) and Melissa was quick to let everyone know that she was in charge of the youngest Vertes in Jill’s absence, just in case any Twitter haters thought they could spin the situation into 140 characters or less on child abandonment. Which was good to hear, because I’m sure somebody out there was already thinking it before Melissa even finished the sentence.
Side note: Speaking of. Srsly with some of these Twitter peeps? I mean. I barely have enough time to watch this show and then recap it. And I like all these little Dance Moms kids (…old AND new, thank you…) as much as anybody else. But spamming and retweeting 1,000s and 1,000s of tweets and tweeting your hate tweets about how you hate little kids who hate tweet and making a secret Twitter club of grown a** adults who smack talk and hate tweet little kids who hate tweet?
We get it. We know who your #ChoiceDancer and #CandiesStyleIcon is. I like her, too.
But here’s a thought. When you start posting more photos of a complete stranger from a television show than you do your own new grandchild…maybe it’s time to go off the grid.
I’m done with this subject. Forever. Or this week. We now return to your regularly scheduled funny stuff already in progress.
And the good news for the rest of you? That rant took up so much time and space that I don’t have room to post Abby Lee Miller in her racy lacy Lane Bryant bra this week.
The Pyramid of Shame was back again. Was it just me or did those 6 tiny pictures taped to the gold bricks look like the first day in a Freshman dorm when you haven’t had time to decorate but can’t go to sleep in a strange place without at least one photo of all your BFFs wearing plastic New Year’s Eve 2014 glasses on the wall?
That Pyramid looked so lonely up there.
Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the bottom. Kalani and Mackenzie were in the middle. And Maddie was on top. Rinse and Repeat.
Q. Has Abby been using the same Pyramid since Season Three? Because, I swear.
Oh. And the grand opening of the new ALDCLA was still on schedule for next week.
Good job, Bob. You single?
That’s the one from last year where little kids are the judges and the dancers get unicorn stickers and smiley face emojis instead of points. And everyone drinks from those plastic glitter Target cups that magically keep your beverages hot or cold.
In the last Cage Match Battle before Nationals next week…
When Nationals takes place.
Kalani’s solo was entitled ‘Shades of Grey’ like the book (…but hopefully not as nasty…) while Nia’s was simply called ‘Bye, Felicia’ like Drag Queens and Real Housewives always say when you get up in their face like a stupid hoe.
Props. Lord Almighty. When will they ever learn? Clearly, nobody on this show reads my blog. Look at how crazy Melissa looks right now.
As the girls got to popping their Umbrella-ella-ellas backward and forward into each other’s eyeballs, we scooted over to MDP to see what wassup with Erin and all those red head sacks. Because that’s what she was using for her ‘Last One Standing’ dance.
Red fabric satin gift bags from the Dollar Store turned upside down and cinched nice and tight around the girls’ necks with about 75 feet of Evil Villain Cape flapping in the breeze like this guy from the Batman comic books:
With two days left before…you know…the ALDC umbrellas were a hot mess. After three of them either broke or turned inside out within the first 8 count, Jessalynn called them “Janky” and I grew to love her even more. She’s a freakin’ hoot.
True Fact: The Oxford Dictionaries added the word “Janky” to their listings this year, so clearly JoJo’s Mom was ahead of the curve when this was taped.
Right around here was also when Abby gave a 20 minute dissertation on Kalani’s character for the dance that I completely spaced out on midway through. It was something about Disco Dancer Roseanna Roseannadanna from Saturday Night Live who broke the hearts of all these gay men at Studio 54 in the ’70s or something. I dunno.
Honestly, I knew Mikey Minden was coming up next with Nia’s new music video shoot and I kind of lost my focus due to all the upcoming Fabulousness that was about to get sprayed in my face. I had to emotionally prepare myself and put plastic on the furniture.
And then it happened. And it was sparkle-tacular. ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
Mikey did this a lot, while this other dude kept checking his texts…
And then Mikey did it some more while that other dude tried rebooting his phone…
The video was all like OhHeyGurrrrl…
And her Miley Cyrus accessories.
No lie: Carmen Electra even showed up to be in the video.
Not with this sense of urgency, of course…
Side note: Throughout the episode you never really saw Abby show any support for Nia’s blossoming musical career, but I also didn’t see anybody from Baywatch begging to run in circles with a pink umbrella, so…
Side note: In the ThrowBack Tuesday Special which aired directly after this DM show, Kendall made fun of Jill’s new Malibu VertesBarbie hair by making this face…
But at least I own it.
After a brief crafting session out behind the studio where all the Moms tried to MacGyver some dowels into sturdy umbrella exoskeletons (…did you notice that Holly was more than willing to help even though Nia wasn’t in the group number? There’s no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM,’ people…but there’s a ‘FRAZIER’…) everyone headed back to the hotel to pack.
Finally it was Showtime!
The ALDC showed up carrying their open umbrellas because, you know…umbrellas, I guess. Good thing their props weren’t park benches or that giant prison fence from two weeks ago, even though the MDP girls could probably have offered assistance and helped hoist them out of the bus after they finished doing their 100 push-ups in the hot sun.
Don’t ask.
Naturally, all the Moms from both sides came face to face outside the building and sniffed each other up and down like I dunno what circling a sand dune. Jessalynn noted that all the MDP girls looked like cousins, which I believe was SiwaCode for something about inbreeding, though I could be mistaken. But probably not.
Some random MDP Mom (…I have no idea who these women are, so we’ll just call her MDPM #1…) accused the ALDCMs of just being in it for the money and then somebody said something about Nationals again.
Side note: How much do we love these little judges? They are IN. TO. IT.
It’s Britney, Bitch.
The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was first up with her solo and she nailed it. It was all jazzy, urban-y, Nia-y and everyone loved it. Except for Abby, who just kept shaking her head and looking at her iPhone.
Kalani followed Nia with a dance that somehow interrupted Abby’s cell service long enough to get her undivided attention for the entire routine. Abby even called Kalani “breathtaking” when the number was finished.
After the solos were completed, Abby snubbed Nia so hard that it made me squint while all the MDP Moms watched in delight from the sidelines in the back hallway. I’m not sure what that was all about, or why you would want to do something like that in front of your competitors.
PS. Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week:
Behind the scenes in the makeup room (…which all the Moms were putting to good use this week, BTW. You see everyone buffing themselves back there?…) the MDP gang burst in to stir things up again.
Do none of these doors have locks? How does this keep happening?
They didn’t stay long though, because the group routines were up next.
The MDP Red Hood Dance had the Red Hood WOW Factor, while the ALDC routine had Mackenzie’s umbrella doinking out a spike and almost puncturing the carotid artery on the left side of her neck. At least she wasn’t wearing pigtails.
Check out this kid in the audience sucking down a Pixie Stick while random MDPM #2 gets #11 lines in her forehead by frowning too much:
And then the little kid judges handed out One Direction buttons and honorable mention construction paper certificates made out of macaroni and glitter pens.
Solos: Kalani came in 3rd. Somebody that didn’t get any camera time came in 2nd. And then Nia took home First Place. Nia Sioux. That one.
First Place! For this kid right here, yo! #SLAY.
Abby gasped in horror, but the way they edit some of this shizz lately it could have been a shot taken when a kid from another studio backflipped off the stage and went out on a stretcher in a neck brace.
Or Abby could just be a hater. Who knows. I’ll let the #ChoiceDancer people deal.
Group: Turns out the MDP girls cut off their own oxygen supply for no reason, because they ended up only taking home Second Place. Which meant that the ALDC got back their mojo AND their First Place macaroni plaque all in one night!
Backstage, Abby hugged Kalani so hard she almost went to the emergency room with her Mom again as Nia and Holly just stood there and watched. There was definitely not an even distribution of AbbyLove spread around the room this week.
And then the rules changed.
Again.
Just because Nia won First Place, it didn’t mean that she would be doing a solo at Nationals. Even though those were the rules 59 minutes ago when the show started.
Solos were still up in the air.
In one week.
At Nationals.
See you then, suckahs.
Lord Almighty. I’m out.
